Get Real With The English Sisters - Mind Health Anxiety
Feeling Anxious? Feel calmer and get much needed anxiety relief. Listen to Mind, Health, Anxiety with The English Sisters the podcast show for mental health that will give you the tools you need to manage your life and your anxiety. Anxiety and overwhelm is on the rise today and most of us experience it in some form or other. The English Sisters, Violeta and Jutka Zuggo are clinical hypnotherapists, business women, authors, wives and mother’s of wonderful grown up children! As hosts of their show they chat about real stuff that empowers, excites and inspires well-being! Always looking to share their point of view and expertise on how you can manage your anxiety and mental health so as to enjoy life! Sharing their experiences to help you live a calmer, happier, fuller and more relaxed life. If you are in need of anxiety relief and want to learn how to manage your mental health, follow Get Real With The English Sisters - Mind Health Anxiety so as not to miss an episode! New episode weekly every Wednesday!
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Get Real With The English Sisters - Mind Health Anxiety
Unmasking Manipulation: Navigating Toxic Friendships and Fostering Supportive Relationships
Have you ever wondered if your friendships are truly healthy and supportive, or if there's something more sinister lurking beneath the surface? Join us as we share our personal experiences and insights on how to spot emotional manipulation in friendships and ways to protect yourself and your friends from these toxic dynamics.
Throughout this eye-opening episode, we delve into the signs of manipulative relationships and how they can lead to feelings of insecurity and self-doubt. We also examine how some friends might pressure or judge you, disregarding your boundaries and well-being. But don't worry, we've got your back! We'll also teach you how to be empathetic and supportive while still prioritizing your own growth and happiness.
Lastly, let's not forget that sometimes we might be the ones unknowingly manipulating our friends. We encourage you to take a step back, reflect on your actions, and ensure that you're acting in the best interest of your friends. With awareness and understanding, we can cultivate healthier and more supportive relationships that bring out the best in everyone involved. Listen now and don't forget to share this crucial episode with your loved ones!
Hypnotherapy coaching sessions can help if you are struggling with anxiety. Please email us at englishsisters@gmail.com if you would like help with an issue, mentioning this episode of our podcast for a special discounted rate. We work with clients worldwide over Zoom or Skype. Buy our Book Stress Free in Three Minutes available on Amazon and Kindle, to help support our work. Thank you!
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Are your friends good for you? My friends are, but they haven't always been, i must admit. Yeah, in the past. That's what we're gonna be talking about today. If your friends how to find out if your friends are emotionally manipulating you Yeah, some way or other and it can be quite sneaky, it can be quite sneaky. So tune in to this episode of get real with that.
Speaker 1:English sisters Love you all and thanks for commenting on, yeah, on our podcast and on our videos and on Instagram. It really does make a difference. It keeps us motivated to continue. So, yeah, keep on writing, keep on sending us messages and please do follow. So here we are.
Speaker 1:Yes, i don't, it's a bit tricky, isn't it? It's sneaky. I think you might not realize it. No, and you want to keep your friends, don't you? friends are special. Yeah, i mean, they've become part of your family. They are like they are family. I mean, friends are friends and family. They can be more than family. That's right. It's friends and Family. They're together, aren't they? That's what I wanted to. You know, that's what I I've always hoped for and And wanted.
Speaker 1:But, yeah, i mean, i have in in my past, you know when, especially when I was younger, i have dealt with friends that I did find that were manipulating. You know who they were? Yeah, i think it's. How do you realize it though It's subtle, because it's subtle, you don't realize it I think one of the ways of realizing if something really good happens to you and they're not that happy Yeah, that's sad, isn't it? Yeah, because you want to share that happiness. You want to come running over and and you know, i got that or I did this, yeah, and you want, you want them to celebrate with you and you, but they might, they might celebrate a little bit, but then you'll soon find that when it's like straight back to what they wanted or what was on their agenda, that's what I noticed with one of my friends. You know, it was always back, straight back to what, you know, she, she wanted at that time of her life. So I couldn't really feel as if I could share, yeah, so did it stop you from sharing in the end? Yeah, in the end I just didn't share. But that's once. You realize it. Yeah, i mean, i realize it more when you came along and I noticed the difference because, yeah, because at first, when I was just living, you know, without, without you, because you were in England, i didn't quite realize it that much. Yeah, because so were sisters. We're like best friends. We are like best friends, yeah. So I didn't quite realize the difference of. I was just like thinking, yeah, i guess that's kind of normal And I think that's what happens to a lot of you out there.
Speaker 1:You don't really realize it And you think that is normal. I mean that that's also like happened to my son recently now and he's 23. I know he's not going to be listening to this. I can talk about him and I know I mean, he's openly spoken to me about it as well But, yeah, he's having a tough time now with some of his so-called friends. He's found that they are not really. They haven't really grown as much as he has, you know, and like he's gone to live by himself, yeah, yeah, and they're not really following and they're not really celebrating what he's done. And it's a bit sad, yeah, because they just want. They want.
Speaker 1:I think what happens with friends as well is sometimes, if you are actually the manipulative friend and you might not realise you're doing this, yeah, yeah, because it can be subconscious. So you might be thinking, oh, i would never do that. But, you know, take a closer look and look when you're realising. You'll realise it when your friend does something. And then you think, oh, but that's not what I had planned, you know, for us together as friends Say, like if your friend, you know, finds a partner or starts going out with someone and you're on your own and you might think, oh, that's not, no, that's a drag, because now we're not going to go as singles together in the past season, and then you might not realise it, but you might be starting to put your friend off that person by sort of sabotaging and saying, yeah, but did you notice how he or she or they did that? and pointing that out And like, like, you know, like You're manipulating, you are manipulating. Yeah, you're not really working for your friend's best interest. I think that's the question you have to. Hey, hang on a minute, let me keep my mouth closed until I know that what I'm going to say is going to be 100% in my friend's interest. This is what's good for them at this moment in their lives. Yeah, it's not good for me. It's not good for me. You know, you've got to leave you out of it And it's probably harder to do. You know it's easy to say, but it may be hard for you to do, because I think you're right. You know it's not because you're mean, you're being manipulative Sometimes. You just don't realise it. You don't realise it.
Speaker 1:Your friend could be at a different stage in their lives, like my son. He's actually gone to live alone now and he needs a different kind of life. He doesn't want to go out clubbing, for example, but the other day found himself in a situation where all his friends would just come on, come on, come on, and he was thinking why are they being so pushy about this? Why do they care so much if I come clubbing? I mean, there's a whole little group of them. Why do they care? They think they care because they just want everything to be like it used to be, to stay the same, to stay the same And like your son's grown out of it, yeah, yeah, and they can't appreciate that he's grown out of it. They don't want him to grow out of that. They want him to go and do the same things that they're doing. I know My advice to him was just take a moment, you know, reflect.
Speaker 1:Don't lose these friends, because they're friends that you've had since childhood. But if you do feel you need time to, you know, take time out from them, and maybe it is that you know you don't. I don't want him to lose them, but I do think that if he has to have like a break away from them, it's probably good for him at this moment, because they're not supporting, they're not supporting, they're not, they're not helping him in this new adventure of his life. No, and that's fine, they're not supporting you. If you, you can ask yourself the questions Is my friend supporting me or do I find myself always having to support them?
Speaker 1:Is it always their agenda? Exactly, a lot of the times it's their agenda, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, or your own, you know? or if you're thinking it's, am I just looking after my agenda? Like when I told my friend, oh, i want to have a family, you know, and because I wanted to start a family even though I was young, i remember, you know, oh, no way, what the hell are you thinking about that? for? Oh, no, you know, we're young and we're going to have fun. Because it wasn't, it wasn't in their agenda. Yeah, it would have stopped what we were doing together and it would have caused a radical change, and change is not welcoming many, many human minds. I was going to say yeah, and most of us, we don't like change In marriages.
Speaker 1:It can happen as well, when one partner changes the other partners saying that you know, hey, i want to, i want to think to stay the same, yeah, and they might start manipulating you Without realising it. That's why it's sneaky. It is kind of sneaky So, but I think if you're aware of it, you can become hey, you know, you can have the little alarm bells and you can be sympathetic and empathetic towards your friends. They look hey, i know what's going on here. I know you're probably not that happy the fact that I'm changing and I've done this, but hey, i've got to do this. And I think if they see you're assertive and you know where you want to go, they're probably in the end They'll say, hey, yeah, you know what I guess. Well, i see.
Speaker 1:If they don't support you, in the end you have to really question are they real friends or were they just using me? Yeah, was I just handy at that moment in my life? Yeah, was I just imagining this friendship? Because I think as humans, we have the kind that we do tell ourselves little stories about, you know, our relationships and our marriages and our friendships, and the story in our head is often very different to the reality. Yeah, and, and yeah, you're right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like with another friend, i realised that and you know there was a lot of teasing and under the form of like it was a joke I'm just joking, you know, when they went, when you, when you're hearing that a lot, no, no, it was just a joke. It was just a joke. Yeah, was it really just a joke? Yeah, my daughter had a friend that was like always having jokes about her appearance as well. Yeah, down a little bit and then, oh no, but I was just joking. Yeah, that's typical, isn't it? Yeah, that's a sign. That's one of the signs If you find that your friends always saying, oh no, it was just a joke. Hey, can't you take a joke? Well, why are you joking all the time about what I'm saying or my physical putting me down? Yeah, why You're my friend.
Speaker 1:You know we're supposed to love each other, support each other. You know not really supposed to be doing things like that. You know teasing and bullying and that's not, that's not what friends do. Real friendship is so different to that. Yeah, real friendship.
Speaker 1:It would be for the person to be honest and say oh look, i know you want to have a family, but I don't. You know, i don't have this money or I can't, or I don't want to, but I really want you to be happy. Yeah, i want you to be happy. I know our paths will probably separate because you won't have as much time for me to go out and I'm going to be sad. But what can I do about it? Maybe we can. How can I help you? Maybe we can find a solution together. That would have been a dream, yeah, if I'd had words like that. That would have been a dream because, yeah, i feel like I would have said things like that, because if they said I feel I'm going to feel really lonely if you're going to do all of that and I'm going to feel really sad, and then you can help them because you can say look, you're going to be coming on to an uncle or a wife and we're going to have great times together and just because it's changing, it doesn't mean anything. Yeah, and you can. You can, you know, help the person understand that you still love them, because a lot of it I think a lot of them in the police. It's insecuritycome from insecurity and fear as well. So, absolutely, if you can understand that and they can understand it, then you're far better off with you. You're definitely far better off. But sometimes people don't want to understand it and then that's when you have to.
Speaker 1:I think if you want to protect yourself, you have to kind of distance yourself a little bit. You do That's when it's, that's what they say You have to. It's sad. Yeah, you have to find a new tribe. You have to. You will. They'll just come along, people that will come along that are more in sync with what you're doing in your life. And, yeah, it is a bit sad. Yeah, yeah, it's sad because you don't you never want to cut off ties completely. And no, what I well, what I did eventually was like what I remember talking to you about in the end. It was just like slowly taking more time out saying oh no, sorry, can't make it for that and can't make it for this, and just becoming more, less, less available really. And because I felt like I had to protect myself. Well, yeah, and I thought why you know why I actually have to protect myself against this from from my, like, best friend. It's not. It's not something that you'd want to think. You have to do. You have to think no, we love each other. Come on, yeah, support each other, that's it. But yeah, yeah, i was listening to a podcast today the dear therapist one and there was a lady on it who said she'd been in a marriage With Esther Perrell.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, no, no, no one is a dear therapist, a dear therapist, okay, and It's got two therapists on it and they were saying how, this is the lady on it was saying that her husband Constantly she said twice, but basically in the letter She said he'd been constantly betraying her and Having affairs and that he kept on wanting to say sorry. He kept saying sorry, it won't happen again. And I've got, i've got loads of things going on at the moment. You know, you must understand and all of this, yeah, yeah, no, that's not gonna work for me. I don't know it. Maybe it worked. What happened in the end was that because I'm halfway through it now What happened is that the therapist advised her. They said but you know, how do you feel about all of this? And she said, well, i'm just thinking about Him.
Speaker 1:And it turned out that because in her family, it was always the father that were being taken. You know, was was the important one, yeah, one, and her mom's feelings were weren't important, and she'd learned that her mom had to go through the same thing. So it's like history. Oh, yes, yes, that that was classical. Yeah, they're like in the past, and maybe in some cultures today It's still very common. Yeah.
Speaker 1:And she and she, and they said but well, how did you feel about your Mum being treated like that by your dad? and she said I always thought it was unfair and it wasn't on. And she said well, what about you now? then? how do you feel about yourself being treated like this? and she said I don't know, she couldn't. She couldn't access her own feelings. She couldn't access her own feelings about it because she blocked them off. Don't you block them out? because when she was a little girl, she had to block them out. She wasn't allowed to feel anything and they never asked her how she felt.
Speaker 1:It was also Always about how the father felt, the man in the house, yeah, so I was thinking that in Manipulative relationships, it's often like that, the person that's manipulating you. If you have, if you, if you haven't got the strength, yeah, stand up against this. In the end, you'll just push your own feelings down and think that they're there in, you know that they're right about you, yeah, and you'll feel insecure because because, at the end of it, yeah, you will. Are you feeling? and she said, well, i have to ask myself about. She has to ask herself, said I have to ask myself about how I'm feeling. But I don't know how I'm feeling about this because I always think about how he's feeling. I feel as if I'm not worthy enough. Yeah, yeah, she Felt as if she wasn't and she was doing something wrong. That's why her husband was having these affairs. Oh, yeah, and it was because, yeah, validation.
Speaker 1:She's been taught that by her mom, who indirectly taught her that, yeah, so be aware of that's been happening. You know, beat beat. Just become aware of it and think Are you not validating yourself? could there be something going on there? Yeah, yeah, you used to be put down by others. It, even now. You know you think your opinions. I'm not worthy. That's why they don't want to be my friends. That's why they're not Considering me. That's why they're not. They don't want to, don't want to listen to what was been going on in my day. You know, your notice that a lot of the times as well. You know these manipulative friends Don't really want to listen to what you've been doing. They want to talk about themselves and they want you to listen and give her advice, yeah, and be there for them, and it's constant, you know, talking about what happened to them and So, yeah, that's another sign, isn't it?
Speaker 1:Yeah, have I seen anything? Yeah, well, i was just looking out for the further, for more of these signs. You know the signs that they you know, we've said it they always hurt you under the guise of a joke. We've spoken about that one. That's hurtful, that's really helpful. Yeah, because then you can't, they leave you out Without any defense like an armed. Yeah, that's like what they call it. It's like joking. Yeah, what's that? What's what's the term for it? Yeah, i can't remember it now, but yeah, it's like, yeah, that's nasty. They dismiss your feelings as unimportant. Oh, that's horrible. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's just bad. Is what I've got? Exactly? Yeah, and I was getting that as well.
Speaker 1:You know, i remember when I went through the miscarriages and after I had my first miscarriage, i remember I was really, really upset because I really wanted to get pregnant. And I remember, you know, my friend came to my house and I was telling her about it and it was just like, oh, okay, but it's over now, isn't it? And I was going, well, yeah, but you know, it was really horrible, yeah, but okay, and then it was just on about this massive deal, something, and I thought, gosh, that's, i've had like two minutes to tell you about this. And then I just closed off. But that's when you realized that I think that was a fine tool. I think that was a big, that was a yeah, because I thought I'm telling me about it. I said that's it, that's it. Yeah. I thought, gosh, you know, that's so inconsiderate. Yeah, it was just not. Yeah, it was just dismissing, as if it was unimportant, as my feelings of sadness, oh well, well, it wasn't meant to be anyway, was it? It was just that's that's I've. You know, yeah, terrible, really.
Speaker 1:They disregard, disregard, your boundaries. That's an important one. That's what was happening to my son. Well, yes, because you said boundaries, i don't want to do that, i don't want to do that, i don't want to do that. And they, they say they're saying, oh, we know that, like he's living on his own now. He doesn't want to have a party at his house every night. He doesn't want to. He wants to hang out and chill with his girlfriend, and he's told them that many times. No, i don't want you round. You know, thursday, friday, saturday, i just want some time alone. Now that I'm finally by myself, they'll come over, you know. Come over to have banging on the door. Let us in. Stop being an idiot. Let's have a beer together. And he's going right. Yeah, he did it once or twice, and then he's realizing what's going on.
Speaker 1:Why don't they understand me, mum? I've told them so many times. Why are they respecting me? I would respect them if they told me. I'd say, oh sure, so he can't understand what's happening. It's sad, isn't it? Well, being manipulated? Yeah, i didn't. That's probably why I thought of this podcast.
Speaker 1:They pressure you into things you don't want to do. We've said that they only talk about themselves. They constantly judge you for what you're doing. Yes, unfortunately, yes, they do judge you, and they put you down as well. If you've got a new idea or something, i say, oh no, that's no good. Yeah, that's not that. Yeah, i mean, it's all sounding very depressing, it's sounding terrible, but unfortunately, these.
Speaker 1:These are the signs you've got to be aware of. I mean, you can have a laugh about them as well, but it's like that And you can say, okay, i still choose to be that person's friend. I know what they're like, but I know it. Yes, i know what they're like, and there's a big difference between knowing and not knowing, being aware and not being aware and just feeling kind of bad every time. If you're aware of it, you can actually almost be sympathetic with them and say, oh hey, i know this is hard for you. I know I'm changing. I know that you don't want to, and you can give them a hug and say I know you all these and have a little laugh about it. Yeah, i know you don't want me to change and grow up and do whatever I'm doing now, but this is how it's going And you know you. Can you hang out with me? You want to still hang out with me? This is what it's going to be like. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:And then you'll often find that they'll open up and they'll tell you about how bad they're feeling. They might They might say you know. They might say I'm doing all of this because A lot of the time it's like when one if you've got two friends and you're both like you both decide to go and lose weight, for example. Yeah, yeah, we've had this with our clients You want to, and one person starts losing weight lovely, you know steadily getting into shape. They start getting fit, going to The other person the other friend is feeling left behind.
Speaker 1:Well, they might start losing the weight and everything and feeling fit. And then afterwards they stop and then instead of saying, oh no, you're doing really great, i didn't manage it. Yeah, they stop encouraging. Then they start saying let's go and have some cakes, let's go for pizza, yeah, yeah, let's go and drink. And you say, what are you saying? then I'm saying that we're on this journey together, but one of them is actually stopped. Yeah, that's.
Speaker 1:And instead of encouraging the other person to keep going and thinking, yeah, i'm going to get back on track as well, they try and pull the person back, to go back to the familiar, back to the familiar patterns, back to the familiar. Yeah, they used to do things together. Get off that track again. That's a new track. I'm not on it. You get off it too. I was on it for a bit, but I got off it Got off it. So now you get off it. You're my friend. Get off it. Yes, be in my place, don't be ahead of me, don't be different to me.
Speaker 1:And they might have feelings of envy and of jealousy because you're actually deciding to look really good and feeling really good and, you know, feeling different, more energized, and they might think why are you so energized? I feel rotten, you know. Or like you, like you love your job and they don't like their job, yeah, and then so you feel guilty. Or you get a promotion, yes, about talking about how much you enjoy your job, because they're always moaning about how much they hate their job. So it's all these different, incongruent. You know they don't like it, no, but if they're your true friend, you've just got to know that true friends will you know, will say, oh, i'm so happy, you're enjoying it, but I hate my job. I love the fact that you're having a good time. They will tell you the truth, they will talk about your good times and celebrate with you and they won't just talk about their bad jobs, the way they're doing, exactly. So that's the difference. Anyway, i think we've wrapped it up. We've wrapped it up, talked about everything.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you find yourself in, you've got a friend that's manipulating you, or if you find that, hmm, yeah, maybe some of the things I'm doing to my friends, because I'm sure we've all done it in some way or other, we must have done it. Yeah, we've done it too, we're just not aware of it. Every single person. We're all human here And you know. Just become aware, because I think the key to everything in life is awareness, absolutely. And once you're aware, then you're kind of free, you can open, you can use that key, you can do what you want with it. Yeah, so remember to follow us and please leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, wherever you get your podcast, because it really helps us grow. We've had a few reviews recently and they're really boosting the numbers of helping people find us more than anything. Yeah, absolutely, and share this podcast with your family and your friends. Please, friends of love and smiles from English Sisters, and come and say hi on Instagram. I'm at K-Real with the English Sisters. Bye-bye, thank you.
