Breaking Free from the Curse of Parental Expectations: Define Your Own Path in Life

Do you ever find yourself feeling guilty or anxious about not meeting your parents' expectations? Discover how to break free from this "curse" in our eye-opening and empowering conversation. We'll explore the subtle ways parental expectations can manifest, such as a simple facial expression or a reward for meeting their standards, and discuss how understanding that our parents' expectations may have been shaped by their own upbringing can help us develop empathy and ultimately break free from this cycle.

Join us,  The English Sisters podcast duo, as we discuss the importance of defining our own roles in life rather than letting ourselves be defined by the expectations of our parents. We'll address the implications of these expectations on our futures and those of our children, and invite you to share your experiences with us. Don't miss this chance to find relief from the guilt and anxiety of not meeting parental expectations and learn how to create your own path in life. Tune in, to Get Real with The English Sisters, and become part of our podcast family.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Breaking the Curse of Parental Expectations
• 9:40 Breaking Free From Parental Expectations
• 20:41 Your Role in Life

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

the curse of living up to your parents expectations and how, yeah, how, how it can leave you with a sense of guilt and anxiety for so many years in your life. So today we're going to be talking about that and hopefully we'll be relieving you of some of that guilt and some of that anxiety. I'll be able to take that curse off you. Yeah, well, that's a good way we're removing the curse. So tune in to get real with that English sister, the number one podcast for anxiety relief. That will leave you smiling. Yes, yes, yes, yes, indeed, the curse. I mean, we've had so many clients that have come to us with this curse upon them, haven't they? Yeah, it's not a laughing matter. No, without therapy skills, we've been able to relieve them from that pressure. Yeah, indeed, what do you think actually happens? I think what happens in most of our clients cases and what happens is probably to most of you that you might not be aware of is that when you're very, very young, your life depends on your caregivers, and so what they want you to do and the expectations they have of you is what is what you need to do in order to survive in that environment, and so you're always going to try and do that in order to be, to be okay, in order to feel safe in that environment. So if you know that your parents or your caregivers wanted you to get a good grade at school and if you didn't get that good grade you would probably maybe get abused physically or verbally, you will try and do everything in your possible, you know, in your possible capacity, to try and get that grade. Yeah, but I think I mean that's quite, that's quite serious abused. Well, i mean, and it does happen a lot and it may have happened to you and you know it's, it's a very serious thing, but sometimes it's not apparent. You just know your parents might pull a face and you just know that you haven't met their expectations. You're right, yeah, so it can be subtle, it can be ever so subtle, so it's just like, oh okay, but it's not. But you know that when you know, when you get a good grade, oh well, that's very good, or maybe we can go to to the movies this weekend, yeah, so immediate prize, yeah, reward, or there might be some kind of reward or some kind of even just a smile on your caregiver's face, on your parents face, that you, that you acknowledge as, oh, i've done the right thing, yes, so when you don't feel as if you're doing the right thing, you think, oh, no, and then that's when the guilt sets in and the bad feelings set in and that, unfortunately, they can go through. They can stay with you for the rest of your life, even when they're no longer necessary. So there is no need for that guilt, even when your parents, you know, aren't here, but even when they've passed on.

Speaker 1: 3:12

We do have people that, later in life, that still have the feeling that they weren't good enough for their parents, which is ever so sad, ever so sad. Yeah, saying, oh, my mom wouldn't have wanted this, or my father wouldn't have wanted that, or yeah, that that's yeah, and I think the the kind of guilt that can follow, i think the the thing we're trying to say here is that when this does happen, unfortunately maybe it's been a cycle that has gone on from before, so maybe your parents or your caregivers grew up like that as well. It's generational. Yeah, that's exactly, you're right. So in order to break free, you have to literally, you know, cut the chains, cut the ties, break free from it. So stop, stop doing what your parents want you to do basically, yes, yes, you're going to have to be the first one to say, right, this is a generational thing, a culture thing perhaps, but I am going to be my own person it takes courage. It takes courage. I think it takes it.

Speaker 1: 4:22

First of all, i understand it. Yeah, understanding, i think, first of all, your first step is when you become aware of this. Yes, exactly, once you're aware of it, once you're aware, it's not easier, isn't it? Yeah, it could not be just your, your, your caregivers, your we're saying caregivers but your parents, whoever it is that raised you. It could not be just them. It could be that they were also in the same position. They grew up like that. So you know you're you, you can also become a little bit more empathetic and and understand that as well.

Speaker 1: 4:59

I think if you understand that and you come from a place of empathy, thinking, well, that's the way they were brought up too That also helps you in understanding that, yes, it's going to take courage for you to to find your way and yes, it's not a normal thing that has been done in your family and and to have empathy for that, because there may be feelings of, yeah, i think that's a good point empathy. If you do have empathy, it's a lot easier for you to break free from this curse, because you begin to understand where they're coming from and why they're doing that, and that, really, that they know no better. They know no better and you can see them as the flawed human beings that they are, as we all are, the imperfect, the imperfect people they are. They even though they are. They have been your caretakers when you were little. Now you can, as you grow, when you become an adult and you're probably adults if you're listening to this you can begin to see them as as the people, just the normal human beings that they are, and what they've, what they did, was what they knew.

Speaker 1: 6:16

Yeah, i remember, like when we were little. I'm always used to say that we were, we were the golden children. I mean, we were very lucky. We grew up with a lot of self-esteem because we got it from both our parents really, but not all the time, sometimes from one parent a bit more than the other.

Speaker 1: 6:34

Yeah, but I remember that there was a lot of pressure on that because there was so much as if you have to, you have to be good, you could never like, be naughty or just appreciate or capricious, no like, say, oh, i want that sweetie, i want that. No, no, we knew it has to be quiet. Yeah, we knew that was not expected of us because we were so good. If you would ever hear especially our mom talk to other parents, she would say, oh no, my children are so good. Yeah, they would never do that like that. So of course that expectation it becomes like you overhear these things. Oh, we would never do that. We would never like I don't know, just say we want sweets or make a fuss about wanting something, a toy or something. We would never do that. So we knew this was implied, this was the expectation and we knew if we complied and we behaved and our parents would be happy, yeah, our parents would be happy with us, they'd be proud of us and even though we did grow up in an unconditional kind of, it was unconditional love because our parents were adorable and they really did love us so much.

Speaker 1: 7:47

However, these expectations left us with a feeling of guilt if we did ever want something and it did kind of influence you and it repressed you in a certain way, because I don't know what kind of a child I would have been if I hadn't had that kind of pressure, maybe I would have. Probably that's why I did try and rebel. I was, i was much more rebellious than you were because you were just tiny bit older than me, so you had even more pressure as the oldest child, more pressure than me. I was kind of like a little bit left to your own device, to my own devices. Well, not really, but a tiny bit more than you were. So I had a bit more less pressure, but anyway, yeah.

Speaker 1: 8:35

So sometimes it's just these subtle things that you just hear yeah, but when we I mean when we were older, then we can, you know they couldn't put a foot wrong, anything we did. It was so wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, you're wonderful, you're amazing, you're beautiful. Yes, so we got all of that, you know, shallered upon us, but, yes, and you, but we so, and we were able to make our own decisions. Also, maybe because our parents were immigrants and, like our dad just wanted us to go and work in a supermarket, basically, oh yeah, he wasn't bought. But our mum wanted us to go and study and have a higher education And have a higher education, but she didn't really. I mean, she never really made you feel as if you hadn't done that. She just wanted us to be happy, basically, really, yeah. When I said, mom, i don't, i want to drop out, i don't want to go to uni, i want to change my life, i want to travel and do different things, she just said, okay, darling, whatever makes you happy, so that was nice knowing that. So we were lucky. Yeah, so that was lucky. That's like the ideal situation. Yeah, but there are so many of you that have not had this ideal situation.

Speaker 1: 9:40

We're very much aware of that, very, very much aware of the pressure of just a few words can have on you. So you know, it does take a moment to become Yeah, and I think, if your parents become aware of this as well, that it's not. Sometimes it can just be a look and you can. You might even think you're not imposing things on your children, but you are without even realising it. So, just, you know, just make a take a little moment to reflect on that, because sometimes your child or your, you know, your son or daughter will, they will ask you. You know that they want to be something else that you're not expecting, and you might have that moment where you got that like judging Yeah, well, or it's just a facial expression, like what you were saying before, just a little wintz, just anything. I mean when you're, when you're very young, you look to your parents face so much and you're like even your senses are even heightened to look for these facial expressions, because you depend on those facial expressions literally to survive when you're very young. And so if they're facial experience, if they wintz, or there's a grimace or there's something that tells you, wait, that's not right. Your path may change. Your path may change. You say, mum, i want to be an artist. And they go, ah, really. And then, oh, did you come make a living out of that? Yeah, yeah, exactly, with a little smile like that, yeah, they might even laugh at you. You can't make a living out of that. But that suggestion saying I don't approve, yes, exactly, yes, yes, yes, you're right When you can make a living out of that And nowadays we know that it's even easier to do than it was in in, probably in your parents' time, because with the internet, things have become more accessible.

Speaker 1: 11:44

So, yes, yeah, there are many different. You might say I want to work online and do something online. Oh, wow, you know that's. And then there's a silence. And then there's a silence, yes, or what about the thing that? Or I want to be a doctor. Oh, that's wonderful. Oh, we would love to have a doctor in the family, a doctor in a lawyer? Yes, why don't you become a lawyer and you're the doctor? You know, that's what they say here in Italy Or otherwise.

Speaker 1: 12:15

Even in other cultures it's very useful to have a doctor in the family and a lawyer, or otherwise, unfortunately, you know, if you're not the sex that your parents were, oh, i always did want a boy. Or I always wanted a girl, yes, now, let's talk about that. Or if you're How, yeah, at Kemenk, you feel when you know, yeah. Or if you don't fall into any of those cacti's and you want to be your own person, oh, well, you know, but, mm, yes, that's sensitive. If you don't, i sent point five years a boy or a girl or anything, you know? um, mm, and that's if they're nice, because then you could get real backlash. You know, yeah, that's if they're nice, yeah, so it's all.

Speaker 1: 12:54

And then that feeling of guilt and oh, i didn't meet their expectations. You know, it's like having a brick on top of you, a sack of bricks. Yes, yeah, that when you release them and you think it's not their fault. They know no better. They know no better. They're simple, flawed human beings. That's how they grew up and that's how they were conditioned to think So heavily, so heavily. Or because, maybe because they were immigrants, and then they want better, they want a different life for you and they believe that if you do become the doctor or whatever, that's gonna be good for you, you know. And then maybe they can talk to their family back home about you and be proud of you and say my son, my daughter has this. And What they don't want to say, my son and my daughter are dancing now and having dancing lessons, or something they want, something solid, something they can find. Yes, and let's not talk about having children if you decide not to. Oh, my goodness me. Yes.

Speaker 1: 14:01

The thing about I think, the thing about parents like that is, even if you do fulfill their expectations in one way, because they have such high expectations for you, there will always be something that's lacking, exactly So they will never be happy for you, but never 100%, no. So when you accept that, that's when you can break free, because you can think well, even if I fulfill, take everything off the list. Everything my parents want, there's still going to be something that's not quite right for them, not 100%. Oh, i got that, but I didn't quite make that position. I got this and I've got a girl, but now it's time for me to have a baby boy. I've got, i had a wife, but now I want a divorce. A divorce, oh, you know, there's all these different things that can.

Speaker 1: 14:54

The only thing you can do is just realize that, yes, you were put on this planet by your parents and by, and you were taken care of by the caregivers, whoever they were. But now this is your time to be on this planet. Yes, your time to shine. It's your time, and you're the only one, as an adult, that can fully understand your needs, what you need to be doing. You are the only one that knows.

Speaker 1: 15:23

Sometimes it's going to take a few days for you to process this and to think about this. Even when the podcast is finished, you can potter around and start thinking about this and wonder how much of me am I really, or how much of me has been influenced, and maybe I'm not doing what I really want to be doing right now. And, if you can, you can slowly start making changes. Yeah, you can start taking these breaks off your back Slowly. Yes, you can start by I'm burdening yourself, yeah, taking deep breaths and removing the guilt. You can just imagine it's just melting away. It's just melting away, yeah, melting away Brick by brick. You can just imagine it melting away. And then you can also, you know, just remember to do everything slowly, even if this is because this may be a wall that has been built for a long time.

Speaker 1: 16:32

So it's one by one, ecologically, looking around you, making sure that you're not gonna suddenly make a rash decision. Yes, and you're going to do things gently, gently and wisely, but taking great care of what you need. Yeah, and sometimes it might just be like, well, i'm not gonna tell them that I'm doing this and just admitting it. Admitting it, because sometimes, when you do want to live up to your parents expectations, you're always eager to tell them, even if you know it's not going to be quite perfect. But you have to kind of get it off your chest, you have to kind of tell them. So, even if you just decide, well, i'm not gonna say that, i'm just gonna keep that quiet, but I've decided to take up a course in something different, or I've decided to enroll into another subject at some university. Yes, exactly, yes, yes, you can.

Speaker 1: 17:30

You can make these changes and you can do it subtly. You can do it subtly and you can do it like on the choir, because, yeah, sometimes there is no need to create this big shock, like what's it called? like you know, pounding, like hurting the person on purpose. Yes, yes, yes, because if you think they're trying to do this with their best intention, hopefully, and even if it isn't their best, if it's not their best intention, usually 80% of the time it is because they want something for you, maybe without realizing it, or they want to fulfill something in themselves that is lacking in them, and they want you to kind of fulfill it for them as their child. Yes, which is this? is the? this is? I'm doing all these hand gestures, if you're watching, if you come and see it on YouTube, because this is how it plays out, you used a lot of the times it's because it's something that they didn't, it's their dream that they couldn't fulfill. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, it's a dream, that's so.

Speaker 1: 18:36

That's why we're saying also yes, you have to have courage, you're gonna be brave, but you can also do it gently, understanding their flawed, imperfect human beings that may have had this dream that wasn't realized in their life, and they want it for you, for your life. And so to be gentle about it, you know, is not to come. You know, come rushing home and say, mom, dad, i've made this up choice, you know stuff it. You know that's gonna be difficult for them. Just do it like you know, start it like what Violetta was saying start that course, start that you can keep your old job if you've got a job already and then start pursuing this new adventure, something that you feel it that is for you.

Speaker 1: 19:24

And if you understand what we're talking about, you'll know, you'll know exactly what it is within your personal life or your professional life or your you know, whatever it is that you want to pursue, that you know there's no need to rub salt into a wound. You just do it quietly. You know you can, you can heal, you can yes. And if you've already tried quietly for many years, well then, how is the time to express yourself and to reclaim your life and to yes and to say okay, because they're maybe some of you that have expressed it quietly and done it and it's not working. Yes, okay, then, and then just accept that you just have to pull the band-aid off and accept that it's okay for your parents not to be excited and about your life because it's not their life. It isn't their life. No, so if they're not jumping up and down for joy, well, you're jumping up and down for joy, and nice. They jump up and down for joy and reclaim your life. I say that to. Yes, yeah, i say that to reclaim your life.

Speaker 1: 20:41

Understand what your role in your life is, because you're the adult, you're the adult and it's your life. And also bear in mind that if you do have children in the future, that'll be your legacy to leave to them. Yes, and do you want the same thing to be happening? do you want to find yourself repeating these generational patterns or do you? would you like something different for your child, or something better, something better? and you're the start of all of it. Yep, you're the star of your own show. Remember that you are the star of your show. Let us know what you think and if you've had this happen to you, you're going to all your feeling the gill in it. Let the care right right to us and leave a comment on Spotify as well or on YouTube, and please do leave a review on Apple podcast, because it really helps our podcast grow and we want to help you grow as we grow to exactly become part of our family. Become part of our family. And lots of love, love and smiles from the English sisters.