Get Real With The English Sisters - Mind Health Anxiety
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Get Real With The English Sisters - Mind Health Anxiety
The Hidden Truth: Emotional Blackmail in our Daily Lives
Did you know that you could be a puppeteer of sorts, tugging at people’s emotions in disguise without even realizing it? Our latest podcast episode uncovers the unsettling realm of emotional blackmail— a phenomenon that's more common than you'd think, slipping right into the fabric of our daily interactions, especially in parent-child and romantic relationships.
We promise an enlightening discussion on the tricky difference between rewards and emotional manipulations, sharing insights on how a simple act of empathy could help defuse potential conflicts. Unveiling the cunning mask of emotional blackmail, we delve into its grim repercussions, demonstrating how it can be mistaken for happiness, jealousy, or even cultural norms. With punishment and rewards being the prime weapons of emotional blackmailers, we hammer out the need to recognize and respect boundaries and feelings to sustain healthy relationships. So, join us on this enlightening journey, and let's ensure we're not hurting the ones we care about most.
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Are we all emotional blackmailers? Yikes, yikes. Maybe we all are, without even realising it. I think so To some extent. To some extent, some more than others, maybe living with an emotional blackmailer. Listen to this week's episode of Get Real With that. English Sisters, please follow us on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts, and please do do take a few minutes to give us a review, because it really helps us grow. We're now in the 24% of top podcasts, so we're absolutely delighted, and that's all thanks to you downloading it and sharing and spreading the word, and you can also come and watch us on YouTube YouTube, yeah, so let's dwell into this topic.
Speaker 1:I mean it's kind of a. It's like. I mean it's a scary topic. It's emotional. Coming to terms with that, you could be doing it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, personally, each one of us could be an emotional blackmailer without realising it. Yeah, just the word blackmailer, I mean it's so horrific really, isn't it? You think, like your secrets are gonna be exposed and you know you have to. Actually, normally, you know, with blackmail, you have to pay someone, but in this case the ransom isn't money, or you know, it's emotions, emotional manipulation, exactly so how we manipulate people's emotions, basically, which sounds terrible and no one would be wanting to be accused of that. No one would be wanting. But there are many times, well, I certainly wouldn't. No, I wouldn't either. But I think if you ask almost any kid, you know when they, when they grow up, they say, do you think you were manipulated by your parents in some way or other, they probably say yes, yeah, because it's that you do.
Speaker 1:If you do well in your exams, you'll get. Like mum told us we would get a bike if we did well. Do you remember? Yeah, I don't know if that's actually emotional blackmail, though. Well, he's kind of. That's like you get a prize for doing well, yeah, and if you don't do well, I think in that case you know the reward is that's more a reward. Like you know the carrot store, you give the horse a carrot. I think that's in a different way. I think here we're talking about like so if you do well, you get the bicycle and I'm going to be really proud of you. But she was always proud of us, no matter what, even if we didn't do well, yeah, I think that's probably the difference.
Speaker 1:There is a big difference here, I think in this case is that if you don't do well. I'm not going to talk to you or your yeah, but it was a kind of emotional blackmail. I know she was very sweet and everything, but it was. It was implied that if you didn't do well, you wouldn't get the prize and then if you didn't get the prize it would be quite shameful really. It was shame, there was shame attached to it, so it was some kind of emotion attached to it, even though it was more like what you say the carrot and the rewards, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know what you mean. Yeah, I mean I never really felt the pressure that, if I you're like, for maths for me was always a big, big problem. I never felt like that if I failed maths I wouldn't get the bike Because you didn't fail ever. You felt that you've got every good, you've got quite good marks for everything else. Anything else, yes, but imagine if you hadn't. I think she would have still given us that bike. I don't know, she might have said next year, next year, work a bit better, yeah, work harder for it.
Speaker 1:In a way, though I know, I know what you mean, but I think here we're discussing more like emotional blackmail that goes on perhaps not only within parents and you know mums and dads and also, though, within relationships. I think it's more relevant, like in personal relationships, like what you would do with your partner, exactly, yes, exactly what you would do with your partner. So how many of us would you give the silent treatment? Would you silent treatment, go off and storming off if something's not quite what you wanted? Exactly that kind of thing, yeah, so, for example, your partner has prepared a lovely meal for you, but you come home and you're feeling tired and you've had a hard day at work and you don't necessarily want to sit down and eat and talk and talk. Yes, sit and talk, you just want to go quiet somewhere and chill.
Speaker 1:And so you say that to your partner and then you say I've had a horrible day. Actually, do you mind if the partner spent quite a lot of time preparing the meal and they want you to take part in that, they want you to enjoy the meal with them, they want you to enjoy the meal, and so, and give your best at the meal, yes, listen to them and listen and talk and say the lovely demand your attention, but you don't really feel like giving that attention, and then a big fight starts, you know. So you might say well, darling, thanks, don't really want to do this now. Wish you'd let me know, because you know that, like every Monday night or something, I'm going to be tired because I have a particularly hard day at work. I know I've been a Monday night, might have been any night, it might have been a Saturday night, and you're just not feeling up to it. Well, yeah, you're right, it could be any night. Yeah, it doesn't have to be. Just because that, you know.
Speaker 1:It's, in a way, it's a lack of consideration from the partner, because, first of all, you haven't bothered to go and ask what your days are, yes, yeah. Then. Or ask if you want to do that, yeah, shall we organize this? Yeah, but if you wanted it to be a surprise, and you say, of course, darling, I understand, if you want, I'll plate something up for you. You can go and eat in your room If you're not hungry, we'll eat it tomorrow. Yeah, and we'll postpone it for tomorrow. We'll have it tomorrow. And it's normal for the partner, who did take care in preparing that meal for you, for them.
Speaker 1:You know, I would be disappointed too, but the difference between me and an emotional blackmailer in this case is that I would say, ah, shame, you know my hubby doesn't want to enjoy this meal because he's too tired. Oh well, never mind, I am a bit disappointed, but I'm not going to slam the door and cause, you know, I'll talk to them or not talk to them. I'll probably say, oh dear, all right then. So what happened then? Today You're really tired, or just say, right, okay, I've got to understand that the other person's point of view. I might have had a chill day, but they haven't. So that's the difference, I think, between yeah, I think, emotional blackmailers.
Speaker 1:A lot of it happens as well when someone wants to go on a holiday by themselves, with friends or for sporting reasons, and the other one doesn't want to go. Okay, and then there's a lot of blackmail placed on that, where the partner says, yes, you can go, but then they might not talk to them and they might cause a scene, and then they might, you know, they say, yeah, sure go. You know I don't own you. Of course you can go if you want to go, but then the body language and everything else is saying, no, I don't want you to go and you shouldn't go, right, so they create fear. They create fear. Yeah, the fear is that if I do go, I'm going to be guilty of this and I'm going to get you know, I'm going to get, like, punished for it. So they use fear and guilt to get their victims in a way to obey them.
Speaker 1:That's what emotional blackmailers actually do. So if you are living with one, you can recognise it. Yeah, because sometimes I think most of us do it a little bit because we might give the silent treatment a little bit but you might just, you know, hate that sign. I have never given that, but I have received it and I really do hate it and you might, you know. But in the end sometimes you know you have to do that as well. Sometimes you do have to give the bit of a silent treatment to go and cool off or to have that time to yourself to, you know, realise what have I done? You know, is this correct? That's different to silent treatment. Say, look, I need time to think about this, but you're going off If you're both shouting and then just one goes off in a half and just just silent. Sometimes I think that's needed as well to show the other person that you do not agree with them, without starting to shout and scream and, you know, cause a big fuss. But another thing is just okay, you haven't done what I want you to do, so now I'm going to give you a silent treatment. Thus, yeah, yeah, yeah, the emotional blackmail. I'm just reading it here.
Speaker 1:She says that they won't use your secrets against you, like what we were saying before. They will control you using your emotions. So they use your own emotions, so they use your emotion of fear of losing them. They use your emotion of guilt because you can start feeling guilt. They're using your emotion. So one would think, why would we let them use our emotions? Yeah, it's a fear, so we're doing this to ourselves in a way. Because that's the creepy part, because nobody really can tell you what to think or what to feel. But they can sure make you feel it because that's how they do it, because of what they're doing, because of the blackmail and the manipulation that's going, they're making you feel that they're using threats.
Speaker 1:Or how many times has one partner said to the other husband, a wife or partner, whatever they are said yeah, go out, you have a good time, you go out, and then when you come back, it's all annoyed and angry and slamming doors or not talking to you. That really is a classical case, because that's even I think you know there could be also the threat Well, if you go out with your friends tonight, then this isn't going to work for me, because I need someone that really does give me the attention. And so they make you think, ok, then I won't go out with my friends tonight. You know that this, I can't go out with my friends tonight. And then you say, oh, come on, it would just be this once, and you go out, and then there's a big fuss calls when you return. That is a classical case.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's horrible really, isn't it? Well, of course it's horrible. It is horrible, but I mean, so many people live in relationships like that without realizing it, and you may be, you listener, might be in one of these relationships, and if it happens every now and again, but if it's, if you notice that it's, it's a lot of the time that your partner is manipulating you and most using emotional blackmail to make you do what they want. Because it's strong, you must be aware of it. Yeah, yeah, it's a strong word, but in the end, that's what they're doing In this case. That's why we're using it, because it. It's a warning sign. Yeah, it's a warning sign for your relationship.
Speaker 1:It could also be, like it could be I'm just thinking about career wise it could be that they want you to work in a certain field or work so number of hours this isn't just in relationships and you might be wanting to, like, do part time because you're really, you know you've had enough and you're really overwhelmed or whatever reason, and that they just won't accept that. So they might say, yeah, sure, do part time, but then all their body language, their actions in the days and weeks to come show that they are not in agreement with this and they do not want you to do this. And in the end, you might just think you've come to your own conclusion and say, oh well, yeah, okay, I will. No, I won't do it, I'll just work. It's not a good idea. I just work full time, I just stay where I am. So it could also be, if you wanted to start a new business, they could do this to you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, emotional blackmail, and you know, in many, in many aspects and many areas of your life. Or if you're starting to frequent you friends, they could do it because they might not like them or they might think that it's usually it's because the emotional blackmailer themselves are insecure and that they, the only way of them feeling that they're good enough is to control you. That's where it all stems from. Yeah, that is so true, and perhaps they've also in their background, in their lives they've been also. This is a habit they used to do. They learn how to do that. They've learned this from somebody. That's how relationships function. Yeah, they're from the parents, from their caregivers, somebody who they've experienced this themselves, and thus they, they, they project it onto their new relationship as well.
Speaker 1:So, if you're aware of it, you can also, you can learn to stop it. I think if it, if it's worth it, if the relationship is one that you value you value, yeah, and you really care enough about you, can become aware of it and sometimes realize when you're doing it yourself as well, and then realize when your loved ones might be doing it to you. You could be both doing it like in a yo-yo, you know, to each other. Yeah, I mean, aside from this, a blackmailer can also disguise the implied threats by making a promise. So I mean you know they can disguise the threats. Well, that's why I say the bike was a bit like that the promise you'll get the bike at the end. Really, yeah, I do.
Speaker 1:I honestly think it was a bit of emotional blackmail going on there Without realizing it, because that was common, it was the best intentions and it was a common thing in those days. That's so common in even in today. Yes, so if you graduate, you'll get this, yeah, I'll give you a car, I'll get you this, yeah, exactly, I'll get you that. So it's not done with evil intent or anything, it's not done with evil intent. No, it's just, it's meant as a reward, it's meant as a nice thing. But it also shows, if you don't do that, I do not see you in the same way and you're not worthy of that bike. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. And then she, obviously, mum, even if we did got grades a bad grade, she still gave us the bike.
Speaker 1:So, but as a child, you feel that guilt upon you, you feel that emotional blackmail on you. You're also happy. So that I think that's where the dark side is, because you're happy, because you think that's where the disguise is. Yeah, the disguise is because you think, yes, I'm going to get this and I'm going to, you know, do this. But then if I don't do it, you know, that's where. That's where the fine line is, where the tricky thing is yeah, yeah, that's like the disguise. It's like your partner if they said well, if you don't go out with your friends and you stay with me, we can eat whatever you like, we can even watch a movie you've meant to watch for so long, you know. And so it's like, oh, we'll do whatever you want If you don't go out with your buddies tonight and if you don't do this, or if you don't go to that holiday, what you really wanted to do was go out with your friends, yeah. Or you wanted to take that vacation and you wanted to experience something, you know just, perhaps even without them, or do something with them, but yeah, so you'll have the threat or come as a disguise. That's exactly true. The bad thing, yeah, so, yeah, it's not laughing, but it's no laughing matter, as usual. No, there are. No, there are. Yeah, you can. You know, you can.
Speaker 1:Apparently, according to Dr Susan Forward, an internationally renowned therapist and emotional wellness expert, most black males use different devices to manipulate you, you know. So it's through punishment. They offer punishment, they offer rewards, like what we were saying before. Exactly, yeah, and those are the two main things that she was discussing that they do offer, you know so I mean offer punishment is a threat. So if you go out, then you know what you're going to get when you come back. Or if you buy that, that, for example, whatever you want to buy and they're not in agreement with, or if you do something that they don't want you to do and it's implied that they don't want you to do it, and then you do it and then you'll get. You'll get, you will get punished when you get back, either getting a silent treatment or a big row or screams, or, if you're younger, you might get grounded. It's quite a common thing, really, unfortunately. Unfortunately is yeah.
Speaker 1:When is it dysfunctional in a relationship? That's when, I think, when you start noticing it occurring very frequently, you know, and it's also sometimes, I think it's also, like you know, disguised as jealousy and normal. It's normal for your partner to not want you to hang out with, like, your friends, your girlfriend, your boyfriends, because they're jealous. You know so, maybe, but is it really? And then is it? They probably are jealous of your view spending time with other people? Yeah, but they use the like. In that case, maybe they use the like, the hierarchy of what, what was expected before in certain cultures, to to condone that kind of behavior and say it's normal to be like that because you shouldn't you shouldn't been going out with all your girlfriends or boyfriends now because we're in a stable relationship and you should be hanging out with me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what I was thinking about.
Speaker 1:Or if you've got someone that you hang out it's a funny comedy on now if you've got someone that you hang out with a really good friend, for instance, yeah, yeah, and your partner's jealous of that because you've got such a good relationship with this person. So maybe from the opposite sex or the same sex, if you're drawn towards that and the partners jealous of that, it's. You know the excuse is oh, you should be hanging out with me more, but you know, and you're not doing anything wrong, you just having you've got a different kind of relationship because one person cannot provide everything you need in your life. You're gonna need friends, you're gonna need partners, you're gonna need a bit of everything really to have a balanced life. That's true. That's very, very true.
Speaker 1:One person cannot fulfill and all of the roles often the emotional blackmailer will want to do that when they want to, because then you'll find that when they need to go out and do their things, it's all fine, it's all fine.
Speaker 1:And then if you don't want them to do that because you think it isn't fair, then that's when they'll give you the emotional blackmail. Then, once again, yeah, so it's to become aware of these kind of manipulations when they become very, you know, dysfunctional. If it's happening all the time, I would say you should point it out and you know, and, and you can go and have the therapy as a couple as well if you think that your relationships worth saving. But otherwise, really, I mean you should look long and hard. Do I really want to live with an emotional blackmailer for the rest of my life? Well, especially if it's if you're in a relationship yes, definitely.
Speaker 1:A lot of the times it's just with your friends as well. They can. You can find they do that a lot. Friends can do that. Yeah, you can have friends that you can be manipulated by an emotionally blackmailed by they want to do something and you might not want to do it, and they make you feel as if you're unworthy, you're not good enough if you don't do it. Yeah, there's a lot of guilt attached to it afterwards and, yeah, just not not the right way to be going forwards if you want a healthy, strong relationship that you know has the right boundaries I think as well and that respects each other's feelings fully.
Speaker 1:So you want to be aware that you're respecting the person you love's feelings and but also be aware that your feelings being respected and how you feel is just as important, just as an equally important. Well, it is because I'm thinking also that you might have a partner that, say, love sport and they're away for a lot of the time, say the weekends, when you want to have quality time with them. But in the end, in a relationship, you have to respect the partner and you have to respect what they, what they need to do to feel good or what they enjoy doing as well. It can't just be only you and work and the relationship that you know there's a multifaceted life isn't yeah, and it could be that you might be doing. You might say, no, I don't want you to go and play football this weekend, I don't want you to go and pay goal for whatever it is, yeah, yeah, but then you're not really respecting their wishes, because that's how they think. You might not want them to do it, but if they, if that's what gives some pleasure and that's what's gonna help them relax and have a better life. Ultimately you have to say, okay, you know that you're going there and that I know I love you, so I know that's what makes you happy. Really, if you love them, they should make you happy. Exactly, it should be happy for them. Well, you can, you can be happy for them, I.
Speaker 1:And if you find out, if you find that you're not happy, you maybe should look at your own life and think what am I? Why do I have to rely on this person so much? Where, where am I lacking in? Yeah, maybe it's time for me to look for something that that makes me feel. Yeah, that makes me, and so that I can understand my own cup. Yeah, I can understand my partner now because I have. I mean, this has happened so many times. When your life is more fulfilled, you become less anxious, less jealous, less, I think, manipulative, if we want to call it.
Speaker 1:You know less with your partner, because your life is full too, and every aspect of the wheel is is well, maybe not every aspect, but most of it is completed. You know the play, the work, fun, playing fun. It's the same thing, as I've repeated myself, but you do want a lot of it, don't you? Obviously work and play and relaxation all has to fit, definitely so, yes, I think, if you find yourself in a relationship like that, where you are being manipulated and you are being so, what would you suggest? If you do find so, as we're hypnotic therapist, yeah, would you suggest for them to be able to do, I think, become aware of it, look for the signs. And then, I think, if you're listening to this podcast and you are being emotionally blackmailed, you'll recognise that some of the things we've been talking about, you know the silent treatment, slamming the door, threats, punishments. You'll know what we're talking about, unfortunately, because you've experienced them. So I think, yeah, I think you're gonna have to learn.
Speaker 1:Sometimes, unfortunately, you might not have even been aware that you were. You might just think that's a normal, healthy relationship. Unfortunately, because, yeah, but now maybe you're kind of thinking, hey, you might be thinking this is up to listening to this, thinking is this normal? No, not really. Am I be emotionally blackmailed or am I the emotional blackmailer?
Speaker 1:Hey, that's what I do. Yeah, I give silent treatment, I do this, I do that and thinking, oh no, you know, you don't want to be doing that anymore. What can you do to not do that anymore? Well, you can become aware, for a start, that you're actually doing it and thinking that's not good. You know it's not. It's not the way. It's not the way to go ahead with my relationship. You're not gonna come to have a beautiful relationship with somebody if you're doing that because they're staying with you, because you're threatening them, because you're punishing them. No, you want them to be with you because they love you and you want to have to work on your own self doubt and your own issues.
Speaker 1:Yes, I would suggest you go to therapy. Really, that's a best suggestion ever and to grow into it. Yeah, look into your own. If you, if you can't go to therapy because there's none in your area, whatever, just you know, listen to podcasts like these and grow personally, grow with your own, do self-development, read stuff, understand yourself more. There's so many books as well that you can read to help you, to help increment your self-esteem. Yes, absolutely, there's so many things available to you.
Speaker 1:Right, I think we've come to a conclusion and let's all say goodbye to emotional blackmail. Yeah, let it be the end of that. Whether you're doing it, whether you're receiving it, let's say no. Say no and that's a no. When you put your foot down to emotional blackmail, they usually really get really scared. Yes, yeah, usually most of them are scaredy cats. In the end, they're scaredy cats and they're and they're used to manipulating you and getting their own way. But if you actually say no and do it and don't you know, don't care about the threats they're giving you in the end they're back down usually, yes, they will, especially if you make them aware of what they're doing and you tell them what they're doing. Yeah, it's a bit like the bully scenario, isn't it? Yeah, well, when it all comes out in the open, they're disarmed, they're disarmed. It's rather a shock, because they may not be even aware that they're doing it Exactly.
Speaker 1:Okay, thank you for listening. Yeah, and we look forward to hearing your comments, and please do come and watch the video on YouTube, where you can also comment, and Spotify has a comment section as well, so you can do your comments there. Yeah, so that's interesting. Yeah, absolutely, we will answer and we really do look forward to hearing from you. Yes, so hit that subscribe button if you're on YouTube and follow us if you're anywhere else where you get your podcasts. Lots of love and smiles from the English sisters Bye, bye.
