Get Real With The English Sisters - Mind Health Anxiety

The Power and Vulnerability of Asking for What We Need

October 17, 2023 The English Sisters - Violeta & Jutka Zuggo Episode 87
Get Real With The English Sisters - Mind Health Anxiety
The Power and Vulnerability of Asking for What We Need
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

Ever thought about why we struggle to ask for what we need? It’s a loaded question, one that we peel back layer by layer in this episode. We dive headfirst into the world of 'mind reading' in relationships, and how our upbringing often instills a reticence in us when it comes to expressing needs and desires. From exploring the 'busy vests' nurses wear to the complexities of communication in relationships, this episode is a deep dive into the vulnerability and power involved in asking for what we want.

We then turn the spotlight onto the cultural and individual differences that color our communication styles, drawing parallels with how pets read body language to underscore our points. Our discussions pivot to the workplace, where we underscore the importance of learning how to ask for what we want - a skill that holds us in good stead both professionally and personally. We wrap up our enlightening discourse with a call to action - encouraging you, our cherished listener, to like, subscribe, and follow us on YouTube. So, sit back, tune in, and prepare to view 'asking' in a whole new light.

Hypnotherapy coaching sessions can help if you are struggling with anxiety.  Please email us at englishsisters@gmail.com if you would like help with an issue, mentioning this episode of our podcast for a special discounted rate. We work with clients worldwide over Zoom or Skype. Buy our Book Stress Free in Three Minutes available on Amazon and Kindle, to help support our work. Thank you!

Please follow us and make this podcast a healthy habit for you, your family and friends to listen to weekly by sharing this with as many people as you can!
Thank you!
Love and smiles from The English Sisters.

As always we love to here from you please email us with; Get Real with The English Sisters as the subject, at englishsisters@gmail.com

Watch the show on our YouTube  Channel
Follow us on Social Media
Share this podcast with your friends.

Apple Podcasts
Spotify
YouTube Channel
Follow us on Social Media 

Apple Podcasts
Spotify
YouTube Channel
Follow us on Social Media

Speaker 1:

Do we really need to spell things out all the time? Do we really have to ask for things, or should people just sort of kind of know what we want? Just know by, like how we you know how we, how we are kind of, how we are. So Mind reading, I suppose Kind of. But sometimes you think, especially if you're with a partner, you would expect them to know, and that's what we're going to be talking about in this week's episode. Get real with the English sisters, join us and please do leave a comment and subscribe and follow us on Instagram and Facebook or wherever you like, really wherever you get your social media fix Right. So let's get down to the nitty-gritty about. Do we have to ask? I mean, sometimes it's like that you feel, why don't they know what I need, especially when it's a partner? I think I'm laughing because we're exclusively mostly when it's a partner, mostly when it's a partner. Sometimes, you like, even at work. You would think surely they should know, they should know I'm overworked, they should know this. Can't they see that I'm so busy? Why are they coming to me now and asking me for this? They should know. Do I really have to ask for more time off? Or you know you would expect, but especially when we're talking about partners, yeah, but I think you've been on the nail there also with work, because I remember that my daughter's boyfriend was telling me that he is where he works in the lab. He's often he gets like a line of people waiting for him to help them and when he's really busy doing an experiment or something and he thinks can't they see? Yeah, you know, literally do I have to wear a vest, like what they did that test in? I mean, they said sometimes even wears their headphones on purpose because he's got his own work to do. So he says that of course he loves helping other people, but he says he finds it very difficult to actually get on with his own. Yeah, because it's true of you being constantly distracted.

Speaker 1:

It's like that experiment in the UK where the nurses actually had to wear vests and they and they, and it was like a red vest and it said do not disturb med, like they're doing their medication round. That was it, because they were actually giving out the meds because after a study was done that so many errors were made in medication leading to life threatening situations because of the distraction that was going on within the nurses and they were just constantly excuse me, excuse me, this was happening with, with, with from doctors, from other colleagues, more than, from, you know, any of the patients, and they said that wearing those vests actually help them do a really much better job. And the margin of error was down to like 0.3 or something compared to I don't know what it was before, but it was high enough for them to some kind of alarm to go off. You know thinking, why are the nurses getting distracted like that? So, that was like a little thing in brackets, but I think it's along the same kind of lines as the nurses would think, can't you see, I'm busy, we're busy. That we're doing the rounds? Yeah, constantly, I'm busy, I'm busy. They just put vests on and said I'm busy, do not disturb me. I bet you they still got this though. Well, no, they said it was dramatic. The people would see these doctors and colleagues. No, no, they're probably the odd one. No, because you're giving out medications, it's an important thing, you have to be careful and concentrate with the right dose, et cetera.

Speaker 1:

But anyway, yeah, I mean it's about asking is asking is a kind of a tough one, I think, because it puts you into more of a vulnerable position, I think, when you have to ask. Yes, I think that's why we don't like asking for things, because we kind of feel a bit vulnerable about it. Yeah, don't you think that could be the reason? I'm thinking? Maybe it was how we were brought up as well, culturally. Yeah, children don't ask, don't be quiet, kind of thing. Yeah, that could also be like from our generation. We're more like, perhaps more prone to this, not wanting to ask, but I think this goes through all kind of generations.

Speaker 1:

I think it just makes you feel vulnerable. For example, you're in a situation you're with your partner, you're feeling sad about something, you've had a bad day and you're almost feeling like crying. I mean, that was a bit like me. Like the other morning, for example, with my husband, I was, I've had this bad shatty campaign, seatic, I think it's saying, and it was just so annoying and I've had it already for like a month and I did all the exercises. I thought I got rid of it and then the other day it just came back again and I thought, oh no, not again, I just wanted to go on with my regular activities.

Speaker 1:

And now I'm like blocked again and I was having like a little feeling with you sorry for myself, having a little tear come down, and then I could see he was just saying, oh yeah, just sort of like ignoring me having his breakfast, and I actually had to think, oh, I'm gonna have to ask for a hug now, I'm gonna have to actually ask for it. And I thought in my head, do I really have to ask for it, can't you see? And then when I asked for it, then he got up and he came back and he said, oh right, and he gave me a lovely hug. But kind of made me feel even more vulnerable having to ask for it. So did you feel better afterwards or not? But yeah, I kind of did.

Speaker 1:

Why did you have a little bit of resentment? Why can't he do that? Yeah, I had a bit of resentment. So then it made me think about it because I thought why can't he just do these on his own? But you like these hugs, these kind of signs of affection, yeah, but there's other signs. He can't. Of course, he always goes for action. Yes, call the doctor, take action. I knew all the action. I'm already doing everything else for my health, so I knew the actions I had to take. So what? That's his love language. So you do have to spell it out sometimes, and it's worth making the effort to spell it out, it is worth it. And then I kind of like doing it more and more now with this, so maybe you can teach your partner the kind of things that you like, so that eventually you won't have to keep asking for it. No, of course you can teach. You would think like I wouldn't be able to do this. I would be married for more than 30 years. You would think I would have had, I would have taught him by now.

Speaker 1:

Because this is not a new relationship, because sometimes you forget the same things. Yes, yes, you're continually evolving and you forget to ask you, just like I forget that I used to make a certain recipe, like years and years ago, and I completely forgot. I had that like my weekly plan, you're right, my meal plan. You think, oh yeah, we used to eat that wherever it was Rice and veg. Seems as if it's got nothing to do with what we're talking about, but it has.

Speaker 1:

Because the same as you may forget yourself what to do, your partner also evolves and they forget your needs, or maybe your needs, or they don't realize it. That's how you want to be loved. And then sometimes, the longer you're in a relationship, the more like you form habits and you get into your head more. Yeah, your own head more, yeah. Yeah, that's true, yeah, and you might forget that the other person needs your help more than what you actually think they do, because they don't ask for it. Yeah, because they don't ask for it. Yeah, you're right about that. Yeah, I am getting more. I'm like giving more hugs out as well, especially after we did that podcast on physical type. Yeah, so I mean, that was good because you're implementing it and I have been too.

Speaker 1:

It's amazing to think that, yes, asking for something does make you more vulnerable, but then it also opens you up to receive it. Ask what's your last good. I should receive something like that. Ask it, ask and you will receive. Yeah, I mean you want to always receive, and maybe that's where the problem stems, that you might have had the fear of rejection. Yeah, obviously, that's what when I say I feel like you're more, you're more vulnerable because you might get rejected In the case of a hug from your, from your partner, it's unusual. You'll get rejected for that and this. You're having an argument or something.

Speaker 1:

But in the case of, perhaps in all the situations where you have to learn to ask more for things, then you could you could well be rejected. Yes, you could well have some kind of a rejection at work, for example, if you say, no, I'm sorry, I want to ask for a promotion because I deserve it. Well, yeah, especially in case of a promotion, there's always more money and that you could be. Why don't you value my services? Can't you think how much money I'm bringing to the company? Yes, you could just raise my. You know, give me a promotion, yeah, whereas if you if you maybe the person that doesn't like to ask for it you want them to kind of see that you're worth it and see the value you're getting. That. That is definitely an issue there.

Speaker 1:

With the promotion, I think that's one of the main things that people think about when they think about asking in their job. But it could be just things like not as big as a promotion, but just like you kind of want praise, like you want to, you would like your boss or your superior to come to say, oh, you really good job there, but you don't get it because they just expect you to do a good job because that's what you've been producing so far and they, they kind of expect that of you and that's just like, oh, tick, he, she with them. They did it great. But you would like some kind of so that that that can make you feel vulnerable as well, to actually go up to your. You can ask for that. Yeah, it's kind of like a bit difficult, isn't it? But you really say I want praise. I don't think you say I want praise, but you might say what yeah, did you, did you like the presentation I did last week, or something, and I say, sure, yeah, great, great job. You know, you might actually ask for more feedback in that case and try and do it sometimes professionally. Really, you just want to say, yeah, you're great, you did a great job.

Speaker 1:

And some people need this kind of praise more than others and it doesn't make you weak or different. If you do need that kind of praise, it's really can really be helpful in a job to get that kind of praise. I think it's very encouraging and it can make you feel more motivated, and a lot of the time you might not get that praise. So, but I think if you can learn to sort of save you've got any feedback. They might think in what you're, what you're doing, but eventually they will give it to you. They'll give it to you.

Speaker 1:

So they don't give you negative feedback, because some bosses, they only look for the negative. Yeah, that's why it's like sometimes a bit scary when you use a word feedback. Yeah, because they will typically think, well, actually you could have done better, when all you wanted was, oh, good job, you know that was great. So, yeah, you're right about that. You can get the negative feedback. Maybe she's saying it in the way where you're happy with the person. Yeah, I think you're right about that. I think you know. I think it went quite well. What do you think? Yeah, that's it. What do you think about the last turn? I was really pleased with it, maybe something like that. Yeah, because if you do ask for feedback, you'll probably get the negative, probably get some positive and some negative If you're already in the position, because obviously, if you're not thinking about this, you've obviously got someone you work for.

Speaker 1:

That's always you and giving you lovely feedback, yeah, or saying, oh, that was lovely, great, thanks. I think maybe that you're not getting it and they say that that's what most people want, yeah, more than any financial reward. Exactly, they just want to say, oh God, that's a great job. I mean, I know somebody who works in the family business. He needs that all the time. He needs great job, fantastic. So I've learnt that and now I do that, and we all do it with that particular person because we know that's, that's what they're going to thrive, that's what's going to motivate them, and very often I can hear himself, you know, like saying it to himself this is a great job, we're so, you know, we're fantastic. Yeah, we're doing good. And so then you can, you can also add that. So maybe that's a way of getting around it as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just do think that in relationships especially, you have to remember that the other person isn't a mind reader. Yes, definitely that.

Speaker 1:

Sometimes they have been brought up differently to you. There could be cultural differences as well that you may not be used to. Yeah, so I mean you've got cultural differences Totally, totally. Yeah, there's no making you a cup of tea love, like in England. Oh yeah, he's a thinker of tea, no way. And since there is the office wants you to make him a cup of tea, exactly, yeah, it is that cultural background and especially from 30 years ago, it really was, you know the, the, the, the sweet sex, as they call it here that you know the women that were the ones that were the caretakers and making all the stuff. So it was very different to like when we were brought up in the UK, where it was a man who would massage a lady's feet and make the tea and spoil them and spoil them more Because the ladies did so much work already, exactly, and it was the opposite. So it's like hey, so it's been a lot of teaching there and that's, that's just totally cultural. It really is. Yeah, it makes such a difference and sometimes people don't consider a cultural difference.

Speaker 1:

What's what's maybe considered like yes, you should ask for a promotion, you should fight for your right. Definitely In Western culture. Yeah, it's considered very rude, rude. Yeah, you know you don't do that. You wait, you wait, you wait to be given, you wait to be praised, you wait to be whatever, any kind of acknowledgement. So you have to sort of take that into account as well when you're thinking. Definitely, you really have to spell it out Sometimes. You really do, you really really do. You have to ask and you shall receive. Yeah, and you, you will receive.

Speaker 1:

And a lot of times it's important to say that it can make or break relationships, cause sometimes these things can just fester if you don't ask for them and you can just think this person really doesn't care about me. Yeah, they really don't get me, they don't care. They've just seen me go off, looking so upset, and they're not coming running after me. You might expect that in your culture. You might think, oh, they should be running after me now and they might not, because they might not. I just think you need space, exactly. Maybe they don't want someone running after them and they think, no, I want to be quiet now. So they think, okay, they're giving respect, yeah, that's so true, that is so true.

Speaker 1:

They cannot mind read. They just cannot. No matter how long they've been with you, they probably know and they can predict certain circumstances, especially after a long time. They think, oh, I bet do that or that, but they still can't mind read. No, that brings to mind a little auto that he kind of mind read. He does mind read how you pet. I think, yeah, little dog, yeah, they can sense when you're, when you need a hug, or when you don't, when you don't want one, when you want to be like quiet, like when I get up in the mornings.

Speaker 1:

If he knows I'm still half asleep, he won't come and jump on me. No, I really. Yeah, we came and jumped on me, all right, because when I, when I did, when I looked after him on holidays, that's because he was more excited. Yeah, yes, he's not used to it. Was he Disappearing off upstairs into the bedroom, he would come running up like no to me, if you can see or fall, maybe because you're wide awake in the morning when you wake up You're not half asleep like I am sometimes. If I'm half asleep and I'm just pottering around really slowly, he'll look like, really he understands it. He does a little yawn as well, yeah, and a lot of times when he's here, so I'm more lively He'll come jumping up on me. Maybe, yeah, maybe I don't realize it. Yeah, I am quite wide awake in the morning. Don't know about boys, still quite quiet, probably livelier than you. Yeah, yeah, probably Don't know, it depends on the days really.

Speaker 1:

So you mean that pets and like animals understand more in a way. In a way they like, maybe read the body language more, they know your patterns more like what you said. Don't you know me by now, they can get to know you a bit more. Maybe then because they don't have the language barrier. I suppose Because a lot of the times, the words we say and not not what we really want. Sometimes we might say, yeah, I just want to be alone right now, and sometimes that may be true, but sometimes what you really need is a big cuddle, and I Mean. I never say that because whatever I say I mean. But this is complex in many relationships where we know that Many people say different things but their body is Testing. Sometimes they do it to test the partner as well, to see if they really are in tune with them or not. Yeah, the testing phase, yeah, that's definitely true. Yeah, that that can be tricky for many, for many people, because it's even harder.

Speaker 1:

People say don't play games with me, just tell me yeah, tell me straight. Yeah, definitely yeah, whereas the animals don't have that. Don't play games because they know, because your body is telling you, yes, they're in sync with the body language. They can tell, they can, they can like, feel these emotions more, but with the language you get all these. That's why it's important to sit down and talk a lot about what your expectations are, how you want, if you're somebody that wants to just give it to me real, you know or if you don't mind having these little games every now and again, yeah, and sometimes maybe you need that. Respect the game, yeah, definitely. The game playing, absolutely. Sometimes that's what people need. That's what they need to be.

Speaker 1:

They don't like to be so straightforward. They know they can't. It's part of the relationship. I find it like almost offensive for them to be so straightforward and just to ask for things and just say, look, yeah, they say it's surely, surely do I have to do? You know? Do I have to really spell it out like that? So rude for me.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I mean, I think you, if you are in a relationship like that, you have to come to a bit to terms with it. You have to come to accept it acceptance and also to like be a bit flexible. Both of you so sort of come to middle ground. Yeah, saying like, okay, if I ask for something, give it to me, give it to me. Yeah, like you know, this is something I've thought about for a while. So, yeah, I suppose. So yeah, no, I think so like to be more respectful of each other. Yes, that's the utmost respectful. So, to understand each other's needs, more Personalities, go into their shoes a bit, more sort of see what they need. Absolutely, yeah, definitely. Well, let us know what you need and how you find.

Speaker 1:

Do you have to spell things out in your relationships or at work? A lot of us do, unfortunately, because I'm not really one that likes to spell it out. No, sometimes I am, it depends. No, that's a bit. No, you do. You know how to ask for what you want? Yeah, I do know how to do it, yeah. Yeah, sometimes it's a skill. The more you do it, it's a skill, baby steps. You start by asking for tiny little things yeah, for things like for cup of tea and high friendly. Yeah, small things, and then afterwards you can elaborate on to larger things, like other kind of issues that you want to deal with, especially in relationships or at work as well. Yeah, and please do hit the like button and come and follow us and hit the subscribe button on YouTube too, because it does help us grow and we really appreciate all of you. Our podcast is growing with you too. Wonderful, lots of love, lots of love From the English sisters. Bye, bye.

The Power of Asking for Needs
Communication and Understanding in Relationships
Effective Communication in Relationships and Work