Get Real With The English Sisters - Mind Health Anxiety

Understanding Shapeshifting and Self-Betrayal: A Journey Towards Self-Improvement and Kindness

October 31, 2023 The English Sisters - Violeta & Jutka Zuggo Episode 89
Get Real With The English Sisters - Mind Health Anxiety
Understanding Shapeshifting and Self-Betrayal: A Journey Towards Self-Improvement and Kindness
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

What if the person you betray the most in your life is surprisingly yourself? In today's enlightening discussion, we take a deep dive into the concept of shapeshifting and how it connects to self-betrayal. We examine how we unconsciously morph ourselves to merge with the crowd, and in the process, betray our individual identities, leading to dissatisfaction and emptiness. We'll guide you on how to recognize this harmful habit and how to navigate away from this pattern.

We'll also address another significant form of self-betrayal - self-criticism. Self-criticism, especially in our relationships, can be detrimental and serve as another form of self-betrayal. We'll discuss how we can train our brains to be kinder and how recognizing this self-betrayal can be a liberating moment that opens the door to personal growth. Make sure to visit our YouTube channel to watch the complete video version of our enlightening discussion. So, let's embark on this journey to self-improvement by understanding ourselves better!

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Speaker 1:

Are you a shapeshifter? That's what we're going to be talking about. Yeah, that's it. It's all intertwined with self-betrayal and not really respecting who you are as a person. Who you are as a person and what your own values are and how you know your beliefs yeah, like what you really want as well. Yeah, so listen to this week's episode of Get Real With the English Sisters. Thank you so much for commenting and following us and leaving a review. It really makes a difference. It really does. So let's get cracking.

Speaker 1:

It's a bit of a difficult one, shapeshifting. Well, I think we've all done it at some point. Probably Just a fit in? Yeah, because it can be like it can help you fit in. Well, you can feel as if it helps you fit in yeah, but you don't really ever find your real crowd like that, do you? Well, no, it's like a fake crowd. It's a fake crowd and you're trying to please somebody else, but I think when there's that part of you that is not pleased within yourself, it's sad. It's sad and it leaves you with an empty feelings. I don't know if any of you may have experienced this. It's like you know, you shift to be something or some, a version of yourself. That's not true. In the end, I think you're not happy. You're not happy, of course. You're not happy because you're not being yourself, are you? No, there are some people that for them this has never happened in their lives because they've always said no way, you know. But there are other people that you know, trust me, they actually live their lives a lot like this. They live their whole lives like this, yeah, yeah, and they might realise, like, really later on in life, who have I been shifting for? Who am I In their 50s and 60s? Yeah, because often when you get older, in your 50s and 60s, you often realise what on earth was I doing? Yeah, that's why you hear about these strange divorces all of a sudden, because one of the people in the relationship suddenly realises hey, this isn't me. No, you know what have I been doing? Who have I been shifting for?

Speaker 1:

It's almost like you've been brainwashed into being someone else, but by yourself, by yourself and by culture. A lot of the times, almost self-hypnosis. I suppose You're hypnotising yourself into believing that you should be a certain way just to please others. Yeah, it's sad. It's sad. We all do it to some extent. But when it's down at a deeper level and you find yourself frequenting people and friends. You're not being true to yourself. You're doing activities that you particularly do not enjoy. You might be there's so many things involved here. I mean it could be even a deeper level. Oh yeah, well it is. You could be staying in a job that you despise. That would be terrible. That would be terrible, and that does happen more often than not. But do you think you know that you despise it? Because if you're a shapeshifter, maybe you don't even realise you're doing it. It could be almost subconscious that you've never really got in touch with yourself. I think, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1:

When I talk about shapeshifting, I think yes, that is more like when it's related to like. You pretend to enjoy something you pretend to want to I don't know go to parties when really you just want to be on the couch. It's like you're pretending that you enjoy activities so as to look as though you're a different person to all the people you pretend to. You love going shopping with the girls, but really you don't like it. So you're being someone you think someone else will like yes, more than you've. You know. Really you just want to go and read a book, for example, or you just want to go and I don't know.

Speaker 1:

I think a lot of relationships are founded on that, aren't they? On shapeshifting for one or for the other. Well, that's not a good foundation, though. We have to come to realise that is self-betrayal, and it's horrible to be betrayed by other people, but it's even more subtle and much worse when you start betraying yourself. So there's something to become aware of, because if you betray yourself, it's you do things you're not really you don't want to do and you don't like doing, but you'll do it because you think the other person likes it and wants and expects it from you, which can even be really creepy. Yeah, so there's a sadness that forms inside you, and that sadness can tend to harden over time, but it's not impossible to melt that sadness and it's not impossible to get out of this circle of self-betrayal. The important thing, once again, is acknowledgement and to become aware of it. I think that's the key to everything, everything in life.

Speaker 1:

If you realise you are betraying yourself, that's a big deal. You realise you are being a shapeshifter. You're doing things that are not in line with what you know instinctively, I think, on a gut level, you fully understand that it's not something you want to do. If you asked yourself the question do I like this or not? And you had your eyes closed, an instinctive answer would pop up it's yes or no. Yeah, and it's not to be confused with the fear of doing something because you may, because it's unknown and it's out of your comfort zone. So it's not to be confused with that. No, it's to be confused with is it something that I really, you know I'm betraying myself for? Yes, yes, it's like what I was reading here.

Speaker 1:

I actually said we turn our back on ourselves, turning your back. So if you could see a version of yourself looking at yourself and then you literally just look away and you turn your back and you walk away from yourself, that's sad because you're walking away from yourself. You don't want to walk away from yourself. You want to go towards yourself and hug yourself and look into your own eyes and your own soul and truly understand that you are worthy, you deserve your own self-love and to understand your needs, and that's a way, that's a path towards healing. If you turn yourself away and you walk away from yourself, that's a path towards trouble, towards trouble, and self-neglect and self-loathing. And, yeah, it's far away from what you want to get to. So you know we want to get more towards you, going towards yourself and hugging yourself.

Speaker 1:

There are the signs of, obviously, when you shape shift and you self-betrayal. It's like when you stay in a bad relationship and you know it's bad. There's a part of you that says this isn't good for me. No, and it also may be hard to get out of it because it may be cushy in some way or other, because it may be supporting you, either financially or even emotionally, a need that maybe you feel that you need to have like, filled, but it's not a healthy need. It's not a need that's actually helpful. No, once again you're the question is this helpful for me? Is there any other way that I can do this without having to betray myself? Yeah, without having to turn that blind eye towards mistreatment, because you know it. Yeah, because it's kind of conditioned into us, because we want to be part of a tribe and we want to fit in. So it's also natural to a certain extent, because you don't want to be like the weirdo, the one that's always, you know, doing things that are different to everyone else. But you can also think that in this world we need weirdos. We need people that are going to stand up for themselves and be different and then in the end, they will lead and find their own like pack of people that will follow them and be with them. Yes, you're absolutely right, they will find their own tribe. You will find your own tribe If you're staying in a bad relationship when I mean bad, it's just a relationship that's constantly chipping away at your own beliefs, what you really want to do, that the other person is constantly disagreeing with them or criticising them or not being supportive.

Speaker 1:

Then in the end you might just think oh well, it's normal, I've got to work at relationship. A lot of the times, you know people say that You've got to work. You do to a certain extent. There's compromise, there is working at relationship, but when it's about your beliefs that some of the fundamental ones then there's no working. There's no, there isn't. Really. It's that we're on two different levels and you're not with the right person. No, no, no. So that's to be mindful of that. Yeah, because it's when it's chipping away at your own beliefs, if it's bringing you down, if it's bringing you down if you're not lifted up and supported. Yeah, I think you have to be lifted up and supported by whatever tribe you're with or whoever you're with. Yes, that's it. People you're with have to lift you up and support you. They have to lift you up, you have to feel embraced. They have to lift them up and support them.

Speaker 1:

But if you don't believe in what you're also doing them like a disservice. Yes, you're doing them a disservice because you're pretending to be someone that you're not really and you think it's for their good and your good. But it's not really, because it's just a facade. Yeah, and you're sacrificing your own needs and you're not doing them any favours either. No, you're sacrificing your own needs and you're not doing them any favours. That's to be kept in mind, exactly, exactly. So what's going on? You know? What are you actually really trying to do?

Speaker 1:

They can instinctively know that, because we are mammals, we have this instinct. We know when things are genuine and when they're not, when they're authentic and when they're not. So the other person in the relationship knows that and probably feels in a way, they kind of know it's not working either, but they stick with it too out of habit, like what you were saying familiarity, convenience and just to be belong to someone. Often it's best just to be open really and just talk about things and communicate with each other. And if you see that it's not going to work out by doing that, you know just, you can just not do it as well, because sometimes it just won't work. There's no point. There's no point trying to communicate with some people If they're really fixated in the way and you've been shape-shifting to. They just won't, they'll understand you and they're going to feel betrayed by you as well. Yeah, because they'll think, well, hey, when we first got together, you were like, okay, yeah, that's cool. Yes, I love that, everything's cool. Yeah, and now you, you know what is this? You know it's a bit of a surprise for some times, you know, but it and that's different to growing and changing in a more natural way. Well, yes, because you do grow and change, you will change in relationships. Yeah, you'll have new experiences that you may be frightened to do on your own and you might together, you might feel united and you might, you know, really enjoy something. Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 1:

And another form of self-betray we want to go back to you know the different forms is being self-critical. Well, that's a big one, isn't it? That's a big one because this is your, your, once again, you're being self-nasty to yourself, you're being a bully to yourself. You're nitpicking, you're looking for defects instead of looking at yourself with a kind eye, and you're just being downright mean to yourself. That no one else would ever do that to you, probably. So why? The meanest of meanies, the meanest of meanies You're, you're being. That is an ultimate form of self-betrayal.

Speaker 1:

Once again, when you're self-critical the entire time, you don't give yourself a break. Stop, and I think every single person does that. I don't think there's very few people that don't Very few people. Yeah, on one level or other, there's always, you know, going to be something that you have to say stop it, stop it. That's me, stop doing that. Yeah, don't criticise me. I, you know, welcome me, welcome yourself. If I do this and if I am like that, that's okay. You know, sometimes you have to be a little bit revolutionary, I think, and start that start, start this process.

Speaker 1:

I think you know and begin to realise what self-betrayal is, and we're not really taught this. So this is all kind of mental health education that isn't generally taught in public or spoken about that much. So it's something that we, as therapists, understand that. You know it might sound a bit odd. I think the self-betrayal and the self-criticism is the number one thing really, because I think we all do that. I mean, that's just, it's just rife, that's right, yeah, it's right, that's right in all genders. Rife, rife, rife, totally yeah. So I think that's the number one, that's a number one, absolutely yeah.

Speaker 1:

Self-criticism, that's something we must become more mindful of and and and once you're aware of it, you can stop it. That could be the root of most problems as well that you have within yourself. Yeah, because you're just too self-critical. And now, wherever that stems from Perhaps a home environment, wherever it comes from, or just from your own self, because you, you see yourself and you're not happy with that image, or You're comparing yourself to someone else, yeah, your mental capacity to be someone else, that you're not really that person. No, no, you're not and you'll betray yourself. If you understand, you are betraying yourself.

Speaker 1:

The word betrayal is quite a heavy word, charged with the significance and meaning, and that's why we've chosen to use that word, so that it can have kind of an impact on what it feels like when you're being betrayed by a loved one, or it's that kind of same feeling when you do it to yourself. It's yeah, and you can have a light bulb moment and think, yes, that's what I've been doing and I don't need to do that. I don't need to do that. So you can be quite uplifting and be uplifting and you can liberate yourself from from being like that, exactly, just like that, just really easily. It doesn't have to take years and years of therapy, no moment of awareness. Yeah, a moment when you say, yes, is that what I've been doing? I've been doing that and I'm gonna stop doing that.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and the lucky thing is that we do have brains and we can change our brain chemistry and maybe at beginning you'll continue to do it. You can continue to do it, but in the end the chemistry in your brain and your neural pathways will change and they'll mold and there'll be more Neuroplasticity. Yeah, they'll come on, they'll become kinder to you. Yeah, exactly, they'll become kinder.

Speaker 1:

The more you do this is a pattern of repetition the more you've been self-critical, the more your, your brain, has accustomed to that and more of these Repetitive, repetitive thoughts are going to come through. But the more you're aware of it, the more you put a red light and you stop those thoughts and you introduce new thoughts, kinder thoughts. You walk towards yourself, you open that blind eye and you look, you begin to feel your real feelings, the easier it becomes, yeah, and the door is open to find your tribe and you'll find people that you connect with on a real level and and that truly fulfill your, your needs and yourself and make you much happier, much happier. You will feel lifted and and you can start by lifting yourself and supporting yourself. Exactly, and that's, that's the pathway to a calm mind and and, yes, anxiety free mind, exactly.

Speaker 1:

So thank you for listening. Thank you. What you think? Are you Betraying yourself in some way? I think we all are and we have to become aware of it. Yeah, absolutely, it'll make us much stronger and healthier Kind of people in the end. Yes, kinder to ourselves and to others. Thank you for listening. Thank you From the English sisters. Also, please come and see us on YouTube, where we have the full video version of the podcast. Thank you, bye, bye, bye you.

Shapeshifting and Self-Betrayal
Self-Betrayal and Self-Criticism in Relationships
Becoming Aware of Self-Betrayal