Get Real With The English Sisters - Mind Health Anxiety

Exploring the Power of Shared Suffering and Vulnerability

December 05, 2023 The English Sisters - Violeta & Jutka Zuggo Episode 94
Get Real With The English Sisters - Mind Health Anxiety
Exploring the Power of Shared Suffering and Vulnerability
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

How often do we try to bury our pain, to suffer in silence? Ever wondered what healing could happen if we dared to share our suffering? Today's podcast episode is all about the power and importance of sharing our suffering and vulnerabilities. We wrestle with why it can be so tough to open up, especially when past experiences have left us feeling silenced or dismissed. Our discussion explores the transformative impact of someone simply acknowledging our pain, and how even a stranger's understanding can provide comfort. We also explore how online forums can provide a lifeline of support and relatability, showing us we're not alone in our struggles.

We also dive into the challenge and reward of sharing our vulnerabilities. It's no easy task to reveal our fears and pains, especially when those around us are struggling too. Yet, it's precisely in this sharing that we can find solace and strength. More often than not, our loved ones are navigating their own fears and showing their love in unexpected ways. We delve into how to navigate non-life-threatening but painful experiences, and highlight how the internet can be an invaluable resource in these moments.

Finally, we explore the profound role of authentic connections in our lives. True relationships require us to be candid about our emotions, and it can be a struggle to find someone we can trust to share our concerns with. Yet, this discovery can fundamentally change our lives. We also don’t forget to remind our listeners to give us a five star review on Apple Podcast - we’re in this together, after all. So join us, share with us, and let's find healing together.

Hypnotherapy coaching sessions can help if you are struggling with anxiety.  Please email us at englishsisters@gmail.com if you would like help with an issue, mentioning this episode of our podcast for a special discounted rate. We work with clients worldwide over Zoom or Skype. Buy our Book Stress Free in Three Minutes available on Amazon and Kindle, to help support our work. Thank you!

Please follow us and make this podcast a healthy habit for you, your family and friends to listen to weekly by sharing this with as many people as you can!
Thank you!
Love and smiles from The English Sisters.

As always we love to here from you please email us with; Get Real with The English Sisters as the subject, at englishsisters@gmail.com

Watch the show on our YouTube  Channel
Follow us on Social Media
Share this podcast with your friends.


Apple Podcasts
Spotify
YouTube Channel
Follow us on Social Media

Speaker 1:

How to relieve suffering so that it doesn't become overwhelming and such a heavy burden that you feel you can't cope. That's what we're going to be talking about.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, we're going to be discussing why suffering in silence is actually giving you a lot more pain than if you learned to open up about it, and we're also going to discuss why we understand that perhaps opening up is difficult.

Speaker 1:

Because it can make you feel vulnerable and maybe in the past you weren't heard, so you feel as if you have to put a wall of defence up.

Speaker 2:

Yes.

Speaker 1:

So that's going to be this week's episode of Get.

Speaker 2:

Real With.

Speaker 1:

The English Sisters. If you enjoyed this episode, please do subscribe, follow us and come and check us out on YouTube too, because do you know what? It's making a world of difference to us? It really is.

Speaker 2:

Right, so yeah.

Speaker 1:

If you suffer and you're saying that, if you suffer, if something happens to you and it causes sufferance and you keep it all in or maybe you've tried to tell someone about it and that you haven't been heard it can become so much worse.

Speaker 2:

Well, yes, it can become a lot worse. It can literally eat you up. You know from inside, these feelings of anxiety can be so much stronger than if you actually speak up about it.

Speaker 1:

But we do know, as therapists and as human beings, why sometimes speaking up is not easy and you choose not to say because you might tell someone about something and they just turn a blind eye.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, because maybe in the past you did speak up about something, whether it was, whatever it was something that made you suffer, whether it was at school or with your caregivers, your caretakers, your parents, whoever it was and you just didn't feel as if you were heard or you were.

Speaker 1:

It was brushed off, whereas if your pain is not acknowledged, because sometimes you just have to acknowledge someone's pain for them to already feel better. Instantly, because a lot of our pain is actually real, but a lot of the pain is actually in the brain and it's created by the brain for us to warn us about something.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, you're so right about that, yeah, and if it's acknowledged by another brain, by somebody else, but really acknowledged like you have, that somebody is really listening to you, somebody that can also understand what you've been going through, that's going to make.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, but I think, even if they can't understand because I don't think anyone can understand your particular situation Suffering is individual you are right. Yeah, it's individual and you can fit. I think if just someone is there for you and they'll listen to you and they'll just say I'm here for you and they go down to where you are, so they go down to your level and they just sit with you or whatever, listening to what you have to say, it's already so much better, I think.

Speaker 2:

But that's not easy, is it? At times Especially yeah.

Speaker 1:

We want to offer advice or we want to say, yeah, that happens to me, and then you go on to your own little rant about what happened to you and you're forgetting that you're supposed to be with that person. You know how many times did someone say, oh, I feel bad about this, and then the other person just says, oh yeah, me too. I had that terrible thing happen to me and it was awful.

Speaker 2:

Well, that is nice because they're relating to it, but it might not be the same.

Speaker 1:

It's not the same as taking away from what you're actually experiencing at the moment, and then it just becomes their kind of show.

Speaker 2:

And that's why you learn to suffer in silence, because the whole discussion here is why have you learned to suffer in silence, and why and how you can get out of this loop? Even if you can't share your story or your sufferance with somebody that's close to you, you can definitely share it with somebody that can listen, and whether that's a professional or whether it's just joining a forum.

Speaker 1:

Sometimes doing a forum online can be so helpful. There's so many online groups and forums that can really help you, because you'll find people that maybe have been in similar situations to yours, even though not exactly the same, but you'll get examples of what it's like, and you'll feel more heard.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely, yeah, I mean, suffering is part of life, suffering is inevitable, but don't make it a permanent destination. Don't make it a permanent destination. Learn from it, grove from it and let it go. This is what I was reading these quotes about on the Mayo Clinic. A psychologist was talking about it. No matter how strong you are, suffering alone is so much harder than sharing some of that burden.

Speaker 1:

And a lot of the times when you are suffering alone, because you're suffering, you might want to push people away from you as well, because you'll feel as if that's the only way you can just kind of cope with the pain or the suffering being on your own. But that tends to make things worse.

Speaker 2:

It definitely makes things worse.

Speaker 1:

There is no outlet, you just have isolation. You just feel isolated.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, you just feel lonely in your own suffering, whereas it's really not necessary anymore. There are so many people that can get you. They can become part of your tribe, they can help you out of this loop of the suffering alone.

Speaker 1:

I know because sometimes it can be something really trivial. It doesn't have to be really. It can be a breakup or maybe a relationship that kind of never was. You might have had a crush on someone and it never actually happened, but you still feel really deeply for that person, so you might be mourning the love that never was, and someone else you might tell someone else that your friend is like well, yeah, nothing even happened. You didn't even go out with that person in the end. What are you talking about?

Speaker 2:

You only had a few.

Speaker 1:

You were only just chatting for a few times online, so what? And you're not heard. But for you it was maybe something really important because you were starting to fall for that person and for you and it's a big deal and you're not understood. Yes, yes. And then sometimes it can be something really serious. Obviously that's more serious, that could have more implications for your health, for your life or whatever.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, but even then, a lot of the times other people might just brush it off you might have said something and say oh well, you know, yeah, okay, lots of people have suffered from that illness or suffer from that nowadays.

Speaker 2:

You'll be fine, just stay positive, You'll be fine. And so once you get that so many times, in the end you learn to be quiet. Yeah, you don't really want to talk about it, and the truth is you're really frightened and scared. But it's difficult to open up If you just get somebody else that just says, yeah, you'll be fine, because the problem is they're scared too, like if you receive a diagnosis or something that's quite scary. Your loved ones are also frightened, so they'll tend to build up kind of like a wall around them as well to protect themselves and just think, no, that person I love is just going to be fine, and chances are you are going to be fine. But you're also really really scared, and to have somebody actually say, yeah, I know it's okay for you to be really scared at this moment in time can be really really helpful for you because, you can share, without just having that bright phase and say, yeah, yeah, I know, everything's going to be fine.

Speaker 2:

So any of you out there that have had some kind of a diagnosis whatever it is like a health scare you probably know what I'm talking about now and you can relate to this, and you can also understand what your family members, what the people that you love, and your friends, when they do say that it is because they're terribly scared themselves and they don't really want to open up.

Speaker 1:

They don't want to go there, do they?

Speaker 2:

They don't want to go there.

Speaker 1:

They just want to get on with their own day and not worry about that.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, because it makes them feel as if you know it's a reminder that we're not here forever.

Speaker 1:

Also, it can maybe make them feel inadequate, because they might feel as if they don't know what to do to help you. So they might they're scared yeah they might just they might show their love in different ways as well.

Speaker 2:

They might like make you a cake or make you your favorite dinner, yeah, but they just don't want to talk about that thing and say, like I don't want to talk about that diagnosis you've received because it's just too scary for them as well.

Speaker 1:

They might make you a nice meal or do something sweet for you, and they're kind of saying I'm here for you in a different way. So I think if you can learn to catch onto those you know, to identify those subtleties as well, you can see that person, you can still feel like that person.

Speaker 2:

You're sharing your kind of suffering in, even if it's not in a diagnosis.

Speaker 1:

I hear Englanders, let's have a cup of tea.

Speaker 2:

Yes, yes, it's not, and that's like saying I hear you, I hear you, yeah, you're right, yeah, and then you might talk about something completely different.

Speaker 1:

But you're together.

Speaker 2:

But you're like, yeah, you're sharing that moment and obviously, if you can, you can also say, hey, I know this is a scary you know thing, I'm also scared. I can appreciate the fact that you might be scared and I'm glad you're telling me I'm going to be fine. But maybe sometimes I need you to also just, you know, hug me or, you know, just acknowledge the fact that I'm also frightened and that that could be. Yeah, that's in the case of a health scare, and. But there's also other things that what you were saying, like relationship, like when it's absolutely anything.

Speaker 2:

You break up, you might have been married for a long time and then you break up and then you know you're just feeling devastated.

Speaker 1:

There can be moments extremely hard if it is like that and you're going through divorce or something you've been together for like 10, 15 years or whatever, or more yeah my people might say oh well, yeah, I mean my third marriage.

Speaker 2:

You know, and and that's not, you know, that's supposed to help you you're like feeling okay, I'm sorry I shared this information at the moment because you've been literally cut off and this just happens all the time. It can also happen if you're a very empathetic person and you're constantly listening to what your friends have to say and you give them all your attention and you're there for them, and then the moment you share something, you feel as if they're not really listening to you. Then you're not, because the truth is, you're not really being heard in the way you need to be heard and yeah, so that can also happen, but I think that's when you have to go outside and look yes the groups or, you know, forums, that what you say.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, people that can get you.

Speaker 2:

They can understand what you're trying to say. They're. They're not just gonna say it's all fine, you know you'll, you'll get married soon or you'll find a new love or whatever it is, you'll get pregnant quickly. These are there. These are delicate moments in one's life and they're a moment. They are suffering you. You are suffering, whether you're trying to get pregnant, you want to get married or you want to, whatever it is, whatever moment in your life that you're in, there are moments where you, you know you can share. If you can share, you'll feel a lot less anxiety. Really, basically, if you can share these moments.

Speaker 1:

I think you feel less isolated and less anxious and less stressed by it if you're sharing it with the right person.

Speaker 2:

I honestly think internet is a blessing in that way nowadays. Yeah, it's one of the definitely, and you can share even delicate things.

Speaker 1:

You know you can share anonymously as well to share things like when you, when you're doing something, you feel uncomfortable because you have to go to the bathroom all the time yes, you know it could be something like that. Or you say if you're going out in a group, you feel uncomfortable because you always have to check where the bathroom is and you have to always be going towards it and you might feel embarrassed because you have to, you need the bathroom, yeah yeah, it could be something like that you would.

Speaker 2:

It's nothing physical things that a physical thing that isn't.

Speaker 1:

They're not dramatic, they're not life-threatening, but not like you have to go every five minutes or anything, but it's something that's causing you anxiety and you you may think you know we have clients like that. Yes, you may think that my friends won't understand if I have to check the bathroom where there is where are the toilets?

Speaker 1:

yeah, exactly where the restrooms, yeah, especially if you're going for a long time. Yeah, you might have social anxiety and your friends don't quite understand and you might feel, when there's too many people, you might feel you know palpitations and you might start to get anxious and feel panicky. And I think there where, if you can share with other people that have had similar experiences, they'll tell you yes, but this is, I use this, this and this to cope with that and you'll feel I suppose you'll feel like more.

Speaker 2:

You feel less lonely, you feel less lonely.

Speaker 1:

You feel as if other people aren't as perfect as what they make out to be as what they make out to be, because they might have probably got all the same, like what we wrote in our book they do everybody uses loo paper, everybody uses toilet paper.

Speaker 2:

Everybody goes to toilet, we're all the same deep down.

Speaker 1:

But we and we have all these little quirky things. Some of us acknowledge them and we admit them. Other people just keep them in and they don't acknowledge them and then afterwards they'll come out, 10 years later they have a heart attack or they get some disease because they're keeping everything in and they're not admitting that they're feeling vulnerable or weak or that they have these weaknesses that most of us have. And we're taught to put a brave front on a brave face and, you know, not show the world that we have these weaknesses.

Speaker 2:

I mean, you could even think about younger people.

Speaker 1:

You might even be frightened of doing your CV because you haven't got much to put on it.

Speaker 2:

It could be something as basic as that that you think anyone else would say it's not meant to you. You know, the working world is a big deal, that is really.

Speaker 1:

I mean you, whoever, wherever you are in the world. You know, whatever age you are. You're listening to this. I'm sure there's something that you will have think. Yeah, problem shared is a problem half yeah, yeah, yeah if you share what you, how you're feeling and you feel acknowledged, it's gonna be a lot more important.

Speaker 2:

There's nothing more lovely than having someone actually really understand what you're saying and why why are you laughing sometimes?

Speaker 1:

because I'm laughing because I was thinking I was just babbling on to my happy the other day and yeah, I'm sure it wasn't even listening, no, and, but it still made me feel better yeah, no matter what it was. Yeah, I thought you didn't listen to half of what I was saying.

Speaker 2:

He's probably in his own little world but was it something that was causing you some kind of suffering and anxiety? Yeah, I had to resolve.

Speaker 1:

And I was just thinking here I am babb. No, I was thinking like sometimes I get scared when I have to do this, gets me stressed out, and he's saying yeah, yeah yeah, yeah okay, well, you felt like I remember it now.

Speaker 1:

It was when I was thinking I can't eat on the go. Alright, I can't eat, like if I'm walking fast, like when we go for a walk or a go for a long time. I just can't eat like I get really hungry. But I can't just eat like when I'm really rushed because, like, my stomach closes. And he was just saying, oh yeah, sure, but you can't eat on the go. Oh no, I've no problem with that.

Speaker 2:

I was thinking I was thinking he's not even that bothered. Well, I suppose he probably didn't realise. It is a trivial thing. It was a trivial thing, but it was one of your nymphs.

Speaker 1:

It was important he was making me have a harder time keeping up the energy.

Speaker 2:

I guess energy levels up.

Speaker 1:

I'm just thinking that even you know silly little trivial things like that, even if you share them sometimes, if they are as trivial as that, you can share them with people and even if you feel as if you're not that acknowledged I suppose, I suppose I do feel acknowledged by my husband. You do yeah, even if I thought in that moment he wasn't that listening, it's still like a lending ear that you are.

Speaker 2:

Yes, yes, in that particular case it is. But for example, like my son, he suffers from chronic migraines, which means that he could be having a migraine twice or even three times in one week and it can be literally invalidating. And I was telling him you know, I think you should share this with somebody that can really understand you, because I've also suffered from migraines, unfortunately, in my life. So I do understand, but I've never quite had as many as that. So sometimes it's like what? Another migraine in the same week, and it's hard, it's bad to be never ending, it's bad to hear that.

Speaker 2:

And so I said to him you know, perhaps I think you should go and look up a forum, is it? What can a forum do, mom, I need people, like when I tell my friend, nobody understands what I'm talking about. So in the end I just pretend I'm fine. They only ever see me when I go out in the evening and I'm fine. I never, ever talk to anyone. And if I do, they say oh yeah, I've had a headache as well. I know what you're talking about, he said. But my headaches aren't just like one headache, you know. Once every six months it's like chronic. So I said look for somebody you know look for forums. And I helped him and we found a forum and when he found he joined it and then he was actually he cried out of relief. When he saw the forum he said I can really relate to that. So I mean, it was like a moment of opening up and reading what other people have to say, even if they're complete strangers, can make you not feel alone.

Speaker 1:

So there is. I think it's also because you he found heard by you. Definitely because I made the effort to look for something that might be able to help him.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, you're right, it was probably that as well. Yeah, most likely he felt understood, he thought wow.

Speaker 1:

You know mom's taking all this effort to do this for me.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, she actually joined the forum to support him as well.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, so she's obviously thinking about me, so I think that's where that's a two way thing. It's also the forum, but I think it was also because you were showing particular understanding to me Trying to help trying to help. Yeah, you're right, he's suffering.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, that couldn't really that. Yeah, obviously. Yeah, that helps as well. If you've got somebody at home or a friend that actually goes to a special effort to try and find something for you, then you're not alone Sometimes when you are in this particular, if you are really distressed or suffering, you really haven't got the energy or the resources to go and bother no, yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1:

You can't. You just can't cope with it. You can think, oh no, I can't do that now.

Speaker 2:

I can't, you can't yeah.

Speaker 1:

You don't even want to go there to bother looking for something if you're in pain and suffering. So that's where I think that's where community comes in and having other people, so you may not be the one suffering now, but you may hear this and think yeah, I know someone is going through a tough time. Community you've hit it on the nail.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it's important.

Speaker 1:

It's important to be aware that it might not be happening to you, but you might be able to help someone that is happening too.

Speaker 2:

Yes, just literally. Yeah, just for everybody. Opening up and talking, talking about it, that can really help. Yeah, even if you think like.

Speaker 1:

Nobody. I'm fine, but you might be fine, but someone around you might not be. Yeah, so sharing a past experience, you might be the one to be able to be there to listen to that person and hear that person. Yeah, you're so right about that. So let us know what you think about this episode, if you feel that you know when you share your suffering, if it helps and if you maybe consider sharing it more in the future.

Speaker 2:

Definitely. Share it more, if you can, with your community. Yeah, if that's possible, learn to open up more and be more vulnerable, because in the end, if you are vulnerable, that's the true way to connect, because nobody wants to connect to somebody that's shiny and perfect. They want to see that through your defects and your faults, they can find, like those cracks they can actually cling on to and connect with. They don't want something that's perfect either. They need something that they can connect with some truth when people want real.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, they want something that they can also.

Speaker 1:

They want something that's real, if they're a real person.

Speaker 2:

If they're real, they want that. If they want just a shiny fake, relationship. They're not the right ones for you and you can't share with them because they're closed off.

Speaker 1:

Well, thank you for listening and please do go and leave us a five star review on Apple Podcast, because it does make such a difference to our community. So see you soon. See you soon, love and smiles and hugs from the English people, english sisters, bye, bye.

The Importance of Sharing Suffering
The Importance of Sharing Vulnerabilities
The Power of Sharing Suffering
The Importance of Authentic Connections