Get Real With The English Sisters - Mind Health Anxiety

Recognizing and Navigating Red and White Flags in Relationships

December 26, 2023 The English Sisters - Violeta & Jutka Zuggo Episode 97
Get Real With The English Sisters - Mind Health Anxiety
Recognizing and Navigating Red and White Flags in Relationships
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

Do you often find yourself brushing off warning signs in relationships or job situations? Perhaps it's your desire for a certain outcome or a fear of change that makes you ignore these red flags. We dove deep into the repercussions of neglecting these signs, emphasizing the importance of trusting your gut instinct and recognizing the significance of shared values and beliefs in relationships.

Challenging the statement "together you're stronger," we shed light on why a relationship should be more about complementing each other rather than completing one another. We also shed light on compelling scientific evidence that proves being in a loving relationship can lead to a longer life. Wrapping up the discussion, we emphasized the importance of discerning not just the red flags but also the white flags - indicators of positivity and potential. Tune in to this insightful episode as we navigate through the dilemmas and help you make better decisions in life.

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Speaker 1:

red flags, yeah, and why we often choose to ignore them. I know our psyche, our brain, just the lady or just not really pay that much attention to them, and they're there, flying away. Hey, there's something not quite right here. But we kind of say, oh okay, listen, we sweep it under the carpet and that's what we're going to be discussing Maybe the honey beneath the hind red flag. So that's what we're going to be talking about. Yay, get real with the English sisters, join us wherever you get your podcast and do do remember to subscribe and hit that follow button. You can also leave a comment on Spotify or YouTube, and we love to hear what you've got to say about this podcast or any other. It's amazing to hear from you. It's great. So, yes, it's red flag business.

Speaker 1:

I think I've had a few red flags in my life. But have you ignored them? Probably definitely ignore them. I don't even think there used to be that expression of red flags. It was like you would instinctively. No, I don't think I did ignore the real ones. They used to call it intuition. Yeah, like that feeling.

Speaker 1:

The problem is, I think you have to be a little bit aligned with your instinct and if you're not, you might tend to push those feelings away and not validate them to yourself. I think you have to be, yes, in touch with how you're feeling and sort of take a moment to think about what's going on as well. But sometimes your friends will tell you, hey, that's a red flag, and you'll still choose to ignore it. Yeah, why don't you do that? I think it's because it's like. It's like because it's what we want on the other side. Is what we want? It's whether it's a relationship. In the end, you want either be in a relationship or you want to be with that person. Really not, yeah. So you ignore the red flags behind it that are coming. Yeah, so true, so true.

Speaker 1:

You ignore the fact that something niggily is telling you, oh, that's not quite right. But then you'll make excuses yeah, oh, they were feeling tired, they had a bad day, they were I don't know, whatever. It's a bad moment for them. That's why they snapped, that's why they reacted that way, that's why they've got a temper on them. But is it really? Or because they've had a drink? Yes, there's multiple excuses that we create for them and, you know, maybe it's true if it's one time and I think if it happens once the red flag doesn't come out, it's a bit forgiven, yeah.

Speaker 1:

But I think if you see it as kind of like a repetitive, I think you can just once it's not good. Well, I don't know, it depends what it is. Because if it's like violence or abuse in any way, once is enough, once is enough. But like if it's just maybe snapping at you once because you know they've had one too many to drink, or you may say, well, that's okay, you know, and kind of forgive them and minimize it, and they say sorry and you kind of say, oh well, it's kind of your drinks, it's particularly stressed, but it's our part of the personality. But then you have to look and see is it part of the personality? Yeah, what are you saying? Is it their nature? Yeah, is this what you know they really like and is this what they want to be like? Because if they say, look, I'm so sorry I snapped at you, I really, you know, I think I need to work on myself. I'm going to, you know, try and control my temper a bit and my feelings, yeah, yeah. And then they start working, yeah, firey person Working on themselves or going to a therapist or something, well then that's okay, isn't it?

Speaker 1:

Because everyone has room for improvement. It's not as if you don't. That's a white flag that comes up and saying, hey, you know we're okay, peace, and we're going to work through this together. But it's the minimizing of red flags in your life in general that can cause you a great deal of anxiety and in the long run, it's definitely not a good idea to minimize. No, and I think the reason why we want to minimize them is because we want to stay in our comfort zone, which is in what we know.

Speaker 1:

So it's what we know as the status quo. We really do not want the. We really do not want to face the truth of it all. Exactly, yeah, that's it. We don't want to face the truth, we want to hide away from it, no matter what it is. And why do you think we want to do that? It's because we don't want to face ourselves, maybe work on ourselves. In the end, we don't want to work on ourselves.

Speaker 1:

And then also, it's always difficult to change. You know, we know that the human you know human, I mean we know that we, as people, we hate change. So once you're in something, most of us want to make it work and we want to stay and we want to stay put rather than facing an unknown danger. You think, well, okay, this person is like this and this, but I know kind of like no, the enemy, kind of thing. You think, well, I know them, but I don't know another person that I may encounter. I don't know what it's like to be out there or go back into the dating, yeah, to be alone and all those fears that can come up. And I think that's why, you know, we would tend to minimize the red flags in a relationship or minimize the red flag in a, in a business or in a new job as well. Yeah, I think it's also that.

Speaker 1:

The other yeah, I think one of the red flags is people haven't got the same values or beliefs as you. Definitely, they believe something completely different to how you see the world. Well, if you're flexible enough to believe like if one person's religious, the other person's not, and they're both okay with that, and they're flexible enough to be respectful of each other's habits, and if one person you know needs to go and pray, etc. I think that's okay. But if there's a red flag, if one person is extremely religious and you just think, well, I love them so much anyway, it'll be okay. But then you might find yourself in that relationship where you really don't want to be pressured into following that kind of religion yeah, especially if it's strict. You know that I mean, we've had cases like that as well. So that's also could be a potential red flag right from the beginning.

Speaker 1:

As you say, but values and beliefs, but would you, if you really like the person it's also, you fall crazy in love with them. So your mind plays tricks on you. We know what the saying is love is blind. So there is that moment where you are literally blinded by your and that program is blind a couple of times. You're having a little baby together now, wonderful, you got married and now you're having a baby. Let's hope it works out. If it's all real, I don't know if this is a real program or if it's just a real program. It's a real program, okay, great, let's hope it works out for this couple. That would have been a red flag of you with the parents of those. The people going into love is blind and they hadn't found love before.

Speaker 1:

The TV program, tv program. And they find it in these booths that they can't see each other. Get to know each other first. That's not bad actually. I mean the whole concept of actually not being blinded by the physical appearance and not allowing that to influence you, your hormones, and that's not bad actually, even though, get to know the personality. Yeah, I've watched that program once out of an like psychological interest with it.

Speaker 1:

I was quite interested by some of the aspects, because it is no. The fact is that when you do see somebody, you cannot not be Involved in how they look physically, in the physical attraction. You can't, yeah, whether you might think, oh no, that's not the right person, there's this and that wrong color or wrong color hair, I mean, you know anything? It sounds ridiculous, but we're like that. It would be unrealistic to believe we are not, isn't it? It's, it's. This is the truth.

Speaker 1:

We're attracted to certain types, aren't we? Most of us have a type of person we're attracted to. Yeah, my husband was definitely not the type I was attracted to. But if you've got to know his personality, I don't know about if I, if he'd been behind doors and I'd Maybe. He's generous, he's kind, he's sweet, he's also really fiery and there are certain aspects I think his best aspects would have been good. Well, obviously, if he's behind a booth he's trying to woo. They're still a kind of courtship going on. There's a big courtship. There's a lot of flirting going on behind those walls. He's gonna be showing me his best side Charming, charming. Yes, I'd probably still be charmed, but I don't know. I mean that was a bit of a bizarre case my one. But yeah, I mean he's worked out. In the end it has worked out.

Speaker 1:

There were none of the red flags like really bad red flags. There were some of them which now At at my age now I probably would have been more picky. I would have always got this like tendency to be I mean, he's Italian. He bursts up like a little flame, anything, but then it goes out easy too. So he does have this kind of release of stress really quickly and then it just finishes. So I was a bit shocked by that At first, but now I've got used to it. But maybe now if I had to choose a kind of personality, I think I'd probably choose something more similar to myself, because I'm very calm generally. Um, so yeah, I don't know, but I mean we can't really do that. We're not going into sliding doors here. We're talking about all these, but it was just different. Yeah, but if I had to advise someone today, I'd say don't be too picky, because if you're too picky you'll never find anybody.

Speaker 1:

No, it's not about the red flags that go any other direction, like with me as well. With my husband I wasn't. I mean, we were friends. I wasn't particularly attracted to him. No, not physically. No, no, yeah, the attraction grew afterwards. Yeah, both of our relations is a bit odd.

Speaker 1:

For me it could have been like a red flag. Well, no, there's no way you're gonna go. I'm going near that person because I'm not attracted. There's no physical attraction. And yet there was a lot of physical attraction afterwards. So it's a bit tricky with the red flags. I think no, but I think we're getting the wrong definition here by red flag. I don't mean just because you don't fancy him, because he's got a red hair or a ginger hair or black hair.

Speaker 1:

We're talking about some red flag. In this case it's like they start yelling in traffic, for example. That might be a red flag. For me it's a bit about violence, yeah, like swearing. They're in the traffic and you think, oh, they're being really nice. It's like you've been going out with them for a long time and then you suddenly see this bout of road rage against a poor, somebody, who's driving, who's elderly person driving, for example.

Speaker 1:

For me that would be a red flag. I would not like to be. That's what you mean. Or if you, for instance, if you like, yeah, if someone likes, because it's all subjective, isn't it? Red flags are rather subjective. Somebody else would see, because someone might not say that's nothing, that's nothing. I do that all the time. Why are they yeah? Or if you go to Geneva, somebody would see them treating like the waiter's, really poorly about. Yeah, I hate that. Yeah, that's a definite no-no. It would have been 50 years ago, for whatever. 30 years ago when I met him. Or today, it was being extremely generous and lovely with everybody. No, I would have hated that. That would have been a debt. I would have been scared of that. I would have been out like the clappers. It could also be in relation. Or you could also.

Speaker 1:

Another red flag is that maybe you get together with someone and they're already in a relationship, but you fall for them and then they say the relationship's over, it's not really. Yeah. That would be definitely a red flag for me personally and I think for a lot of people and you tend to minimise that and say, well, you know they're going to get away from it, that other person, they're going to break up soon. Is that what you mean? That kind of relationship, yeah, that's definitely, but that could work out as well, couldn't it? It could work out, yeah, because they might leave you for a while. We have had many cases where it has worked out and where you go through great anguish because you think, no, it's not going to work out.

Speaker 1:

I think you have to study it properly, though. You have to understand what's really important for you and listen to your gut instinct. If you Well, not if you trust it, but I think you have to trust it. I think all of us do have this feeling, so if we learn to be a little bit more in tune with it, I think and ignore the fact, more intuitive, yeah, more intuitive, that's right.

Speaker 1:

You know that person and they may be I don't know like you're ideal on paper. They may have all the things that you like physical, material things you might think you want and think, oh, they look, they're great, but then, when you meet them, there are certain things that you just think, oh no, boring. Well, yeah, for example, boring. I never thought of that that could be If somebody's they say they can bore you to death. Literally. That is an expression once again. So we don't want to be with somebody that we don't find intellectually stimulating at all. I mean, they don't have to be like a Nobel Prize winner, but they have to be something that you find funny, humorous, some kind of some kind of thing going on, don't they? I mean, if we're talking about relationships In the workplace, I was thinking about the first job I took.

Speaker 1:

There was a big red flag there because it was supposed to be for people that just finished their A-levels, right, yeah, I remember that first job you took. Yeah, and I had already graduated from university and I took this job in a big bank insurance company the mortgage part of it, and it was. And I went to the interview and I said but is there room for growth? And we're, like you know, we're not being paid more, like in like six months time, and sure, sure, yeah, no problem. But you kind of knew it wasn't true.

Speaker 1:

And then my boyfriend at the time, my husband said just wait for your letter, don't go for it, it's a big red flag, it's not for you, come on, but I was impatient and so I went for it and it wasn't the right job for me in the end, but it did teach me a lot. It taught me not to ignore it. It taught me and it's because I really wanted a job, so I read the fact that I really wanted just to have a job it makes you override, it makes me just think, no, it'll be okay. Yes, that's the same if you really want to be in a relationship because you feel lonely and so that's going to make you override the red flag. So you've got to learn to listen, I think, learn to trust in yourself once again. Learn to trust in yourself, learn to recognize what you consider to be a no, no and say no. You know a red flag.

Speaker 1:

I think you know, because the fact that you don't trust yourself enough, and I think you should always allow for people. You have to allow that people do grow and change. But then there's some people that, like, have that narcissistic personality yeah, they have in them to want to do that, but then there's others just won't, they won't allow for it. No, no and yeah. So there's no point in thinking I'd change them, yes. Well, that's another thing and a lot of the times when you do see a red flag, we all think in our heads oh, we'll change them or we'll help them. It's like the Red Cross, you know syndrome we'll help them, but a lot of the times you don't help them and what happens is that you end up living this life where you're constantly justifying their behaviours, their actions, and you're not really, you're not really living your fullest life.

Speaker 1:

I think, together with somebody else. That's supposed to compliment you, support you and you're part of a team. I think if you don't feel that you're part of a team and you can, you're like in this life together, then it's not a real relationship. I think Together you're stronger. Well, yes, you're supposed to be stronger. It's not just you trying to bring in the strength, and sometimes you have to be stronger for the other person, in obviously certain cases, but not always. But there's give and take, isn't there? And then together you're stronger than if you were by yourself. Yes, it's, the other half is supposed to be the other half to compliment you, not that you are not a unity in per se and you are sufficient, but I think the expression just simply means that, doesn't it. It means it's an added I mean together you're stronger, you're even better. Yes, it's a better version together.

Speaker 1:

Anyway, now that we've figured that out, sure, that's getting cool in our controversy. Well, I think that if anyone's in a loving relationship, you'll probably think it might cause controversy, but I think if you are in a loving relationship and you might realise that, yes, you might have certain traits of your personality that are better with another person, because they can either help you in some way, like they complement each other, exactly, exactly. Yes, we want to go down to the cooking metaphor. Yes, it's like why is it so controversial? Because it's Controversial, because we, like what you said before we're complete by ourselves, by ourselves. And it's like if you're in a team, you know there's always going to be. Or if you're doing anything in life, if you ask for help, it's always going to be better. So, if you feel stronger, it's always people that live together live longer, people that are in relationship.

Speaker 1:

It's scientifically proven? Yes, it is. So there's obviously truth in it. Yes, there's truth in the fact that we like to live in a tribe, but you don't want to be looking for a person that's going to make you whole. Oh, no, no, that's what you don't want. That's what you don't want. Yes, it's not. Yeah, well done. Yeah, that's very well put.

Speaker 1:

That would be a red flag. Yes, that would be a red flag. To be like your whole self, so that you're comfortable in your own skin and comfortable in yourself and then you're not looking for that person to like fulfill. That would be a red flag in you. Yes, that the other person would spot Should be able to spot that. That would say, oh no, like they're really super needy, then I'm not going to be able to fulfill their needs. Yes, that's right. Yeah, that's something that somebody else has to look out for. In any case, where you think I need that person to make me whole, yeah, no, you're so right about that. So I think we can wrap it up. We can wrap it up. We can wrap it up and say let's listen to the red flags, that you Listen and learn, listen and learn and watch for them and don't minimise them. What were you going to say?

Speaker 1:

I'm thinking a lot of people that have been in tricky situations, that have got themselves into terrible situations, like being, before they're like, sexually assorted as well, and things like that. They've had red flags and they've ignored them. They've ignored them and they said that They've had too much to drink and they're getting a car with someone, or they've had. They just go. You know, they go home with someone that they don't really know, or they know their friends, they know it's a red flag, or they go down some other place and many times actually, for women that have been abused in the past, they say things like I had a feeling that I shouldn't, I should close the door and I should not let them in. But then I overrode that feeling because I knew them and it wasn't polite to do that, it would have been rude. And so that's where you know.

Speaker 1:

Then you override the red flag is telling you, hey, don't trust that person, even though you know them. They might be a co-worker, don't let them in. But you think, oh, it's rude and that's happened so many times. So watch out, well, watch out for all the red flags in your life and welcome in those white flags, I suppose, look for them. Look for them because there are people around you that are showing lots of white flags and you might not be noticing them. They might be just the perfect person for you. Yeah, oh, the perfect job. Perfect job, perfect job, perfect thing? And you might think no, but yes, lots of love and smiles from the English sisters. See you soon.

Ignoring Red Flags in Relationships
Recognizing Red Flags in Relationships
Recognizing Red and White Flags