Get Real With The English Sisters - Mind Health Anxiety

Confronting and Overcoming Self-Sabotage: How to Embrace the Life You Deserve

March 06, 2024 The English Sisters - Violeta & Jutka Zuggo Episode 108
Get Real With The English Sisters - Mind Health Anxiety
Confronting and Overcoming Self-Sabotage: How to Embrace the Life You Deserve
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

Have you ever caught yourself turning down opportunities, big or small, only to wonder later if fear was pulling the strings? This episode peels back the layers of self-sabotage, that sly villain lurking in our shadows, ready to snatch away our chances at success and happiness. We will take you through the winding paths where self-sabotage hides, from the innocuous to the monumental. You'll hear how a poor hair day can lead to canceled dates and how a night of revelry might ruin a crucial work presentation. With a blend of relatable stories and listener experiences, we'll confront the tricky patterns of self-defeat and the role of friendship in holding up a mirror to our own counterproductive behaviors.

Learn how to tackle the challenge of dismantling self-sabotage mechanisms that end up seizing the opportunities that life gives us. It's a journey that requires introspection and, quite often, the strength to step into the unknown—perhaps leaving behind familiar friendships or facing their backlash. Our conversation will not shy away from these tough transitions, emphasizing the support of our community and the significance of standing by one's convictions. As we wrap up, you'll be invited to reflect on your life, identify your own self-sabotaging tendencies, and embark on a path towards personal growth with a newfound confidence in your value.

Hypnotherapy coaching sessions can help if you are struggling with anxiety.  Please email us at englishsisters@gmail.com if you would like help with an issue, mentioning this episode of our podcast for a special discounted rate. We work with clients worldwide over Zoom or Skype. Buy our Book Stress Free in Three Minutes available on Amazon and Kindle, to help support our work. Thank you!

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Speaker 1:

Self-sabotage, yeah, self-sabotage. And why do we do it? Why do we go down that path of stopping ourselves just when we're about to take off? Yeah, that's what we're going to be talking about in this week's episode of Get Real With the English Sisters. Thanks for all your support and please do follow us and leave a review, because every little review counts. It does make a difference. Get this podcast out there, right? So let's get into these reasons why we self-sabotage and what is self-sabotage anyway?

Speaker 1:

I think that's a good thing. Well, it's because it's a rather technical question, not a question of phrase, isn't it? Well, I think we all know that, like you know, if a company one company sabotages another, there's been some nastiness going on. You know business. Yeah, like you know, maybe there's been like a mole inside the company spying or something you know like some kind of sabotage, something that you know. It comes from the word saboteur, to stop, to mess with something so that you'll stop it happening. So if a company's gonna have a great success, blah, blah, then something or someone stops. That you know. So we kind of understand that. But the actual concept of actual self-sabotage is something that maybe we speak a lot about in psychology, but not so often. Thank goodness, it's coming out more now through social media. Yes, yes, thank goodness, we're recognizing the signs more. So what are the signs? Signs are that we stop ourselves. We stop ourselves, and there are so many millions examples of things like that. So we're about to, just about to, go on a date and we stop ourselves from going because we think, oh, we don't look good. Oh gosh, that's awful, that happens, isn't it? That does happen. How many times you just write you just, you know, no, I'm sorry, can't make it. Yeah, no matter. And why? Why do we say no to that? Because of a silly thing, perhaps we think our hair is not perfectly right, or, you know, I just can't handle it. It's because of low self-esteem in the end, isn't it? Because we think we're not up to the role that we're trying? Yeah, no, you're right To go for. Yeah, unfortunately, a lot of it is low self-esteem, yes, and maybe how we grew up as well.

Speaker 1:

There are so many examples like what you said. The date example, or like a work related example could be. For example, you know you've got a big, important meeting the day that, the next day, or a presentation yeah, and you go out and get drunk, yeah, and so when you, when the morning comes, you're not at your best, that's the say the least. Either you phoning sick or you present yourself and you make a mess of it. Yeah, thus you do not get that extra promotion, or you do not have the success that you deserve, because, unconsciously, you really do think that you don't deserve it. Or, like you meet a great guy or a great girl. That's a sad thing, isn't it? That's very sad Because it's an unconscious behavior, so we're not really aware of it, so we can't really deal with it, so we keep doing it.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, sometimes our friends might spot it, you know, especially nowadays, when people are more aware of it. I think that's a good point, yeah, and they say, hey, have you realized that every time you're about to, you know, do something, you find an excuse not to do it, you procrastinate or you don't go out with that person, or you know it can happen as well, like you're just about to get married with somebody that is like an exceptional person, for example, and then you might try and find reasons why not to get married to this person. Pick a fight yeah, you might sleep with someone else. Exactly, do something that you know is going to be bad enough to break it up. And then you know you. You can have your friend, for example, saying you do you realize why this is happening? Maybe it's because you haven't had a good example. As you know, growing up, your parents has happened, your family may have been dysfunctional, even just a little bit, and so it didn't. You don't believe that somehow you can, you deserve to be with this really nice person, decent person that really loves you. You don't believe this is going to work. This happened so many times in these romantic comedies because it reflects real life. It reflects real life so much.

Speaker 1:

It happens so often that I think it is something that the more we hear about this word, the word about self-sabotage, the more we can begin to understand that it really does come from the self and we can start analyzing our own patterns of behavior, seeing how often we can see when we can say hey, why are you stopping yourself here? What's going on? Yeah, you can notice why you can talk to yourself like that, instead of having negative self-talk, which is often what leads to self-sabotage, you start thinking, oh, maybe I'm not worthy of this presentation or worthy of this. I don't even think it's that conscious. You know, I think it's more unconscious. Most of the time you just do things and feeling bad, don't you? You don't even know. Like you just go, I just have a drink at the pub, or I just go out and I do this and it's like you don't even. I mean it's sometimes it's obvious, like you're on a diet and you eat a whole bucket, a whole tub of ice cream. We do know there's a reason why you've self-sabotage there and you're aware. But ultimately, you know you have to start understanding how many times this happens and look for these repetition things. You should write it down. Well, yeah, if you're somebody that finds writing down useful, writing down is actually, yeah, could be, that could be something, or just so, every time you don't make it to do something, you write it down. I didn't do this, I didn't. You probably have a long list. In the end, you're a self-saboter. You would have a long list if you do tend to go for these things. Yeah, yeah, because exactly I mean, yes, it's, it's, it's a whole thing, it's. You know, here I was reading about it. You know, in psychology they're insecure, attachment, stars, low self-esteem, your fear of getting hurt, as well as another thing. So you might be self-sabotaging your own.

Speaker 1:

Um, even like things like I was thinking just getting a pet, your fear of the pet dying, your fear of the pet, yeah, procrastinated so much before getting a dog, I was so scared of it exactly. I was meeting, I was thinking, oh no, you know when it, when the dog dies, I'm gonna be so upset I can't handle it. You know why do this? But in the end you were limiting your own joy totally. I won't be able to take care of it when I go out all these things.

Speaker 1:

I mean, it's in a way, it was a good thing because it made me, when I did get the dog, yeah, yeah, yeah, our dogs. It made me realize that it's a really big deal and they're like a part of your family. Yeah, they are. It's almost like having a child. So, yes, you have to think about it really seriously. So in a way, it was good.

Speaker 1:

But also for many, many years before that, I had like self-sabotage the idea and I said no. And it's given me so much joy to be, to have to have Otto in in our lives. Yeah, exactly before Otto, it's given us so much and so much sadness as well, because when Teddy died, it was terrible and I've never really felt that kind of grief, which is really strange because you think you know that their pets are not people but the grief is there. The grief is the same. Yes, it makes no difference so strong, yeah, the grief is it, but it's still worth it. I wouldn't have given, I wouldn't have changed anything. It's definitely worth it and it's made us, you know, more rounded as people.

Speaker 1:

So, yeah, yeah, even with things like that, that you you think that could make me ultimately happy, I will self-sabotage it. You, you kind of. You know you've got a, and so self-sabotage comes through fear sometimes as well. Fear would be unknown, yeah, definitely fear, I mean, even like you're gonna go on a date. You're fearful as well. Your fear of failure is there, your fear of messing up. You know that maybe the relationship is going really well and you think, oh no, if I take it to the next step, they might not like me anymore, or they might. If they see me, that's happening so much hasn't it. If they see me for who I really am, for who I really, they see me without any. You know, just me, just me. And if they actually see me? Will they still like me, let alone love me? You know, those are all the kind of questions that we have to open our heart up to and realize that we are probably self-sabotaging.

Speaker 1:

I think probably for 70% we self-sabotage. Do you think it's that much? Yeah, I think if we said, like that film, the yes man that says yes to everything, yeah, a lot of the times we just say no to things. We don't even realize we're self-sabotaging. So it's not just people that have, you know, psychological problems. I think everybody does it. You reckon, yeah, it's just like so common in everyday life. We all self-sabotage all the time. Yeah, I think so. I think our lives could be absolutely, really incredible if we didn't. Yeah, you're right. Actually there's the other extreme, where you say yes to everything and you're absolutely exhausted and burnt out. No, no, no, no, so, no, no.

Speaker 1:

I think for so many things there's so many tiny little windows of opportunities that open up and you might flicker, you might see a holiday I'd like to go on there and then you self-sabotage and you just put it away and you don't do it, or you might. There's another little thing you might, if you're looking for love, you might see someone that you think's nice but doesn't exactly fit your requirements. You self-sabotage, yeah, so that's also a point. You're putting your promotions at work, self-sabotage, self-sabotage a lot because you think, but maybe that's too difficult for me or I'm not sure I can handle that, or you know. So do you really want to change? Because people always try to stay?

Speaker 1:

Maybe the problem is that we look at when we sabotage. We see the picture that it's a bit too big. I think we have to, like, say, okay, let me just take it step by step without getting lost in this big picture. Like you go on a date and you say, oh, he might not like me, might not love me, she might not like me. Look, let's just take it right now for what it is. One, you know one date. Let's go on that date with the job as well. You can always say I can accept it and see how I feel. If that's possible, you know you can also take it slowly. Do you know what I was thinking?

Speaker 1:

I was thinking like even with your wardrobe. If you say, if you go shopping with a friend or something, or you shop online and you buy something and you kind of think it looks nice on you but it's not quite your style. And then you think, oh no, that's not for me. You could keep returning, or you just put it down. There's a part of you that kind of really wants that.

Speaker 1:

Yes, yes, that, that the change, whatever it is, yeah, yeah, the garment, the blouse, the dress, the trousers, whatever it is, you really want to see that side to yourself, but you don't even dare go there because you're self-sabotaged, because you think you're not worthy. That's not the kind of thing that I would wear. You know, it's the kind of thing I would see like an influencer wear or some, or my friend wears that, but I wouldn't be able to wear it. So, like you limit yourself, yeah, so in your style, in your wardrobe choices even there I think it goes so far, yes, I think. Well, we know that clothing is a part of our, you know the way it's our body language. So how we express ourself is also through our clothes and our accessories. So, yes, that is a way of expressing ourselves and saying, really, I'm not worthy, if you know I'm not worthy of that. Yeah, like, even like.

Speaker 1:

Another example is like with with body, with body image. Like you might think, you might really want to go and join a gym, but you think you're kind of not worthy, you're not that kind of person that does these kind of classes. Yes, yeah, I mean, when I first went to the gym I was so intimidated by it. Yeah, me too, I'm not. I'm not this person that does you know, that goes and does this kind of thing. It's just not me, yeah, and if I had, if I'd listened to myself, I would have been. I would have never known that world and never gone into fit Intect. It is no, no, no, no, which would have been detrimental to your health, exactly.

Speaker 1:

So there's so many things I think we self-sabotage on without even realizing it. Do you think it's? Sometimes it's perfectionist can do this as well. Well, perfectionists, definitely, definitely, because they might not try and do something because they know they're going to fail the first time. Exactly, yeah, I think that's a big part of it as well. There may be, you may be, just because you have a low self-esteem. You may self-sabotage. But also you may self-sabotage because you're a perfectionist and everything has to be done so well, so perfectly, that you cannot accept the fact that it might not go as planned as you have in your, in your mind's eye. So you might self-sabotage, yeah, because you think you can't get it, that 100%, yes, so there's no point doing it at all. Well, for me it has to be good enough, because I'm not a perfectionist. But if you are, I do and I can empathize and understand that that's something that you may have to work on.

Speaker 1:

Being a perfectionist, I think you're going to have to realize that you are one and take it with a pinch of humor, understanding that in your own personal life and in your work life you're going to have to see things in a different way, I think, because you will sabotage your own Sometimes. Even like making a decision, like the important decision of, like buying a property, you could self-sabotage. You could just be almost there and then think, oh no, you know, I might not be able to make the payments. Absolutely, that is a very common one. It's really scary to think that, yes, I've got a really stable job now, but what happens if in three years, I'm unemployed? Yeah, that's a fear, and it's a fear that becomes a reality for everybody, because hardly anyone's got to say you know, fix job contract now, that's for life. So it's just these little risks that we have to be willing to take. I think that obviously they have to be measured and calculated. You have to calculate the risks, the risk benefits and everything, what the benefits are. But yeah, in the end there's probably more benefits in going ahead than not going ahead.

Speaker 1:

So what can we do to actually stop self-sabotaging?

Speaker 1:

I think the number one thing is to recognize it and to maybe just look a bit more, be a bit more mindful about our lives and think you know what have I said no to? What have I done to ruin an opportunity for myself? Exactly, yeah, look at it through the lens and see. You can look at it in all areas of your life. You can go from your personal life, your relationships with your parents. You know how many times have you picked a fight with your parents because you're self-sabotaging something? How many times have you picked a fight with your partner because you're subconsciously you're scared of something happening or you're scared of their reaction, and the list can go on to work, to work and to work relationships to your business, if you have a business. How many times have you had an idea and then you thought, no, it's not good enough.

Speaker 1:

Some of the best ideas we've heard in the past have been people who thought it wasn't good enough and someone else has adopted them Exactly. Yeah, how annoying is that? Yeah, so, yeah. So become aware of it, recognize these patterns of behavior and next time you find yourself in that position you know, reflect on it. I would say definitely, reflect on it, yeah, and realize that this could potentially be and I was thinking give self sabotage a kick in the butt. Yeah, absolutely, because it's not, it's going to limit you, it's not going to be your friend and embrace, embrace new opportunities and embrace, you know, your own self-esteem. Give yourself a hug and say, yes, you are worthy of these things. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1:

Also, like, if you're in a group of people that aren't very ambitious and they're not like, they're not in a very good place themselves, and you're starting to learn something new or wanting to do something new, that can be tricky too, and also kind of self-sabotage yourself, because you kind of want to still stay connected to them and still, you know, be moaning about your situation. Or you know you have that common thing, have a commonality. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whereas if you're starting to step out of it and maybe taking some courses or doing something new, and you know your friends are saying why are you doing that? You know, don't come and hang out with us. And then you might think, oh yeah, and then you've got an exam the next day. You might go and hang out with them and yourself sabotage Just when you're about to get out. Yes, sneaky, sometimes it is sneaky, yeah, that happens.

Speaker 1:

A lot of work as well. If you have a like, if you've applied for a different position, if you're in a big company, for example, your colleagues that are actually with you might sort of you belong to that little club or that little group. You'll go to lunch together, et cetera, et cetera. And then you you you're applying for this promotion but you're also part of you is frightened of losing that connection that you had with your, with your little lunch buddies and your lunch friends and your colleagues. And that can be scary too.

Speaker 1:

But you, you know what's going to happen in life is, the more you evolve, you will become, you'll you understand yourself more and unfortunately, you may have to have find a new club, like find a new club of friends, because sometimes these people that you, you had these connection with, won't support you when you evolve, when you go forward. Wait, sometimes they do and they're right. Yes, yes, and that's amazing. That's amazing and you'll grow together. Yeah, and you might encourage them. You might say look, you're self-sabotaging too, so why don't you apply and get this or why don't you do that? And maybe we can.

Speaker 1:

You know, stay friends and that's great, but a lot of the times it's not like that and they may feel, they may feel, I don't know, like a little bit envious of you or, yeah, as if you're breaking up from them in a way, as if you're betraying them because you've decided to go ahead and do this, and they feel upset as well. Yeah, and that's something that you sort of have to prepare for a little bit and make sure you don't. You know you don't want to hurt anyone, but at the same time, you can't hurt yourself by staying somewhere that you know is not right for you. Yeah, you can't stay stuck. Exactly, you can't stay stuck. You might be in a relationship that your parents adore, but you are no longer happy in that relationship. So it's not to avoid hurting your parents and your family. You don't want to be the one that suffers. You know, in that, as we're talking about an emotional relationship, exactly and that's common too where people might stay somewhere because they don't want to hurt others, you know. So that's something to become aware of as well. I think so too.

Speaker 1:

So what are your thoughts? Have you been self-sabotaging? I think we're going to take a close look at our own lives and see what we've been up to, because the subconscious mind is quite sneaky and it does things to that as realising there's a lot of sabotage going on. Let's see what. What comes out. We'd love to hear from you in the comments. Thank you so much for bothering to comment also on YouTube coming out, because it does take a bit of effort. We know it does. Yes, we do appreciate it. Yes, we'll take the light back. And another one is to go that further little step to just comment it does take a little bit of effort. It does take. Yeah, it's appreciated and we do appreciate it Very much and we love you all and see you soon. Lots of love and smiles from the English sisters. Bye-bye. No-transcript.

Understanding Self-Sabotage Behavior
Self-Sabotage
Overcoming Self-Sabotage and Embracing Opportunities