Becoming Your Own Best Friend: The Power of Self-Compassion and Building a Supportive Network

Have you ever considered the possibility that you might be the wisest, kindest, and most supportive friend you could ever hope to meet? On Get Real with the English Sisters, we're delving into the transformative power of self-compassion and the art of being your own best friend. Imagine the shift in your world if, for just one week, you treated yourself with the unwavering kindness you'd offer your dearest companion. We'll explore the societal and cultural barriers that often prevent us from adopting this mindset and share the insights on how this practice can be a lifeline, especially when navigating life's tougher moments.

Friendships and relationships take the front seat in our meaningful discussion, where we dissect the dynamics that make each connection unique. Balancing acts aren't just for the circus; they're crucial in maintaining the equilibrium between your roles as a spouse and as an individual with a rich support network. We've all been there, trying to be everything to our partner—confidant, lover, and best friend. In sharing our personal experiences, we shed light on the necessity of a support network that extends beyond your significant other, providing different perspectives and a fuller, more rounded life experience.

Stepping into the psychological arena, we challenge you to a one-week experiment: be the hero in your own story, the friend you've always needed. We'll discuss how the roots of our upbringing and external factors contribute to our emotional resilience. By embracing self-support, we predict a week of self-friendship will spark a lasting commitment to self-care, leading to a more joyful, resilient life. We're grateful for each of you joining our conversation, and we're excited to hear how the self-friendship challenge will unfold in your lives. Get ready to discover just how much you can flourish by becoming your own greatest ally.

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Chapters

• 0:01 Self-Compassion
• 7:44 Importance of Relationships
• 13:53 Cultivating Friendships and Self-Compassion
• 22:28 Being Your Own Best Friend

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

what if you were your best friend? If you treated yourself like your best friend would treat you or does treat you, how would life be different? Yeah, I wonder what would happen if we all were our own. You know, we, we were our own best friends. What if we just tried and it thought, not a thought, experiment, experiment and we did it for one week? I wonder how our lives would actually change. That'd be interesting to find out, and that's what we're going to be talking about in this week's episode of get real with the english sisters.

Speaker 1: 0:39

Thank you so much for listening. Do take time time to subscribe, and we're also on YouTube and on Instagram. Come and say hi at Get Real with the Ingrid Sisters. Yeah, we really love to see your comments, so really do write to us and get in touch with us. Yes, right, so what is this we're going to be talking about?

Speaker 1: 1:00

I mean, I just think that from the moment you get up in the morning, if you were your best friend, what would you say? Oh, you look amazing today. Well, I don't know. Is that what best friends always do? Like you think? Do they all lie through their teeth? If you've got a good friend, if you've got an honest, good friend, a real best friend. A real best friend is also real and they don't just, you know, they look like well, they probably say you're not looking great. Yeah, let, let, let, let scrub up and and let's get nice. You know, they could, they could, they would they do well, I would tell you, well, I would definitely tell you we're sisters but we're also best friends. Yeah, we would. I would definitely say, no, you're not looking great at the moment. Go and put your makeup on or go and brush your hair. You know, get smart, but not if you were under the weather. I wouldn't under the weather. If you're under the weather, be kind to you. Well, obviously, yes, because, like now that you've had a fall, for instance, I've had a fall. I fell over that thing, god, I fell over this. What's it called? This little wooden yeah, trunk, the trunk, yeah, it's like an antique little wooden trunk that my husband. So I said. I said, if you're not up to it, you know we won't do a podcast this week. Yeah, you did, and I'm like your best friend, whereas you said, no, we should do one. But then if you felt okay to do one, which you do, I do feel okay, thank goodness. I mean, I hurt my like. I fell against my ribs and flat on my face. I was terrified from my eyes, yeah, but they're okay. Yeah, thank goodness. I went to go and check them out again and apparently it was just a little.

Speaker 1: 2:51

But it's like what you said it's not time to be hard on yourself when you've had something happen to you. No, no, no, I'm still in recovery. Yeah, yeah, so if you were your own best friend, that's what you would say to yourself. Don't be mean. Yeah, be nice to myself. Yeah, be nice to yourself. Take the time to heal, you know. Be patient. Well, that's what I do do to myself. Yeah, because I do realize I'm aware of what goes on in one's mind when you're not sort of like advocating for yourself.

Speaker 1: 3:20

It can be a nasty place to be If yourself, it can be a nasty place to be if you're your worst enemy. For example, you're always criticizing yourself and always even being sarcastic about yourself, which is sarcasm. It's horrible. It's horrible, but it's horrible when you receive it from others, but it's also horrible when you give it to yourself, isn't it? I think so. Yeah, I think it's very detrimental to your mental health. It's not, but I think so it is proven it is definitely not good to do. I mean, it causes a lot of anxiety. I think, yes, it does. It would definitely cause a lot of it's. It's. It's a horrible thing to do to yourself or to have anyone else you know, um have these kind of thoughts. The only way of not having them really what is it? The way of not having it is Is to be your best friend, yeah, yeah, to be your own best friend and to become aware of what's going on, or to remember that.

Speaker 1: 4:19

So, just if you find yourself that you're being wicked or cruel to yourself, think what would my best friend say to me if I told her I had, or him I had, this problem, or them. What would they say to me? They would say, it's okay, don't be hard on yourself. Or hey, no, you do need to scrub up a bit. You do need to take care of yourself, because it'll make you feel better, because sometimes you need that. You need the motivation as well. Yeah, you need that motivation, or that moment of truth to give you a bit of a kick and say, oh, yeah, sure, yeah, and you know it's for your best interest. You know they're not saying it because they're being mean to you, yeah, just saying, oh, maybe you should go to the gym for a bit, or why don't you start walking half an hour a day? You know they're saying it for your, in your best interest, so it's for your own good kind of thing.

Speaker 1: 5:08

So why is it so difficult to be our own best friends? What kind of culture have we bought we've been all been brought up in? I don't know. I don't know this. Should you would you would think this would come naturally to us. It should be like, as babies, we would all be our own best friends. Well, yeah, babies don't give themselves any stick. We don't know, no, you wouldn't know it. But they certainly know what they want. They're certainly confident and they know what they want. Yes, and it's only when it's so.

Speaker 1: 5:34

This is a learnt behaviour. We learn it as we grow up. Yeah, and that's what we have to become aware of. We learn to be shamed, to be shameful, to be unkind to ourselves, to criticise ourselves, to be cruel to ourselves. I don't know why, but we do.

Speaker 1: 5:53

It's a culture, isn't it? Yeah, it's a culture. It's what we learn from the culture, what we model, what we see in others, how we, we, we hear perhaps our caretakers talk about themselves. Yeah, I think it's kind of ingrained in us because it's kind of it's kind of meant to stop us, to stop us from being our really true selves, to be, to have our true potential, in a horrible, wicked way. So you think it's like a whole. It's like it's a whole thing to keep the masses, to keep us at bay.

Speaker 1: 6:27

Wow, like a conspiracy thing, like it's not, it's like it's almost like that. It's like don't get all these sayings, don't get too big for your boots, don't get cocky, don't do this, don't do that, don't be promiscuous, don't be. It's always. Don't, don't, don't, don't, it's never. Do, do, do, do. Do what you want. Be who you want. Be free. Well, we know that freedom would be. You know chaos for a lot of governments and they do not want that, and neither does you know mainly many of the churches either, in the religions.

Speaker 1: 7:02

Um, however, do what's in your heart, be who you want to be. No, that's certainly not. Certainly not the way we grew up. Listen to your heart, listen to yourself. It's. Listen to your parent, listen to your teacher, listen to what they know what is good for you, listen to your social media. Yeah, now it would be. Listen to your social media more than anything. Listen to your advertisers who are constantly advertising at you for certain things. Be telling you what you need and what, what's wrong with you and what's wrong with your skin and what's wrong with god knows what your abs and what kind of nutrients you need.

Speaker 1: 7:44

Yeah, honestly, you know, you wonder if we all just woke up and we all all had best friends and just said, no, I am my own best friend. Now, what would I do? Why do I have to talk to myself in this way? I think that's why it's so important to have best friends that really are, you know that really do lift you up. I think if you haven't got a best friend that lifts you up, I think go in search of one urgently and be your own, be own number one and then yes, it, it is lovely.

Speaker 1: 8:20

It's so hard to be your own best friend sometimes, especially if you've been brought up in a way that's always put you down. It's really, really difficult to get out of that mental space and you know to turn things around. You can do it, but it's harder than if you have someone that's always advocating for you and you know being there for you, obviously, yeah, because we are social beings. This is a culture today of like. You know that as humans, we have never suffered so much from loneliness as we have ever, ever in the past. So what I'm thinking of is that, yes, it's easy to say go and find a best friend. Best friends, uh, like jewels. You know, you, you have to cultivate. You have, first of all, you have to know how to cultivate real life friendship, yeah and uh, and that that's normally a process that does take some time and it's not that easy, you know, to just say so. It could be easier to say, okay, in the meantime, if I start being my own best friend and I start becoming aware of what I'm saying to myself, then I may be able to be kinder to others, thus make more friends, and then, who knows, maybe one of those three acquaintances, two new acquaintances, could turn into something more more, yeah, potentially more of a best friend.

Speaker 1: 9:42

And what's happening today is that a lot of the times, people are relying on their partners and loved ones to be their best friends as well and to be the one and all of all kind of relationships, which I think puts a lot of strain on their partners. It's a hell of a lot of strain. I mean, I certainly do not expect my husband to, to, to be, to be. I mean, in a way, he is like you know, he is my best friend, but I do not expect him to have the same kind of qualities that you do, no, or another, uh, female friend which I would relate to much more than with you know, with him. I know his kind of what he, what his like limits are, the same way I know what my limits are, I'm sure, but I do not expect that of him. But what's happening today is that once you involve yourself in a romantic relationship, you can tend to want them to be your best friend as well. Yeah, and I think, what do you think about that? Well, I think it's true. Um, I mean my husband, we were best friends first and then we became a husband, and I know, yes, I was the one who told you you were in love with him. She didn't even realize it at first. She, she, she adored him.

Speaker 1: 10:59

Now, obviously, it's still not the same as your relationship with you with a best friend, with a female best friend. I mean, we're sisters as well, but we've got so much in common, but it's not the same and I don't expect him to be the same as you are. No, no, so I think it's different. It's different, yeah, maybe before, when we weren't going out together, then it was more like, yeah, a best friend. He was more of a real friend, more of a real friend, yeah, but then when the romance starts and it's like it's, it's different, isn't it? There's different expectations. Yeah, it's a romantic relationship and, yes, they are your best friends as well. I mean, I wouldn't say he wasn't, but not really. He's more like my husband, exactly, he's different. He's like my partner. He is my best friend because I can confide in him in certain things.

Speaker 1: 11:51

But I try and keep the romance alive by being still being flirty and still being romantic and, you know, keeping that spark alive, whereas I wouldn't, like you know, going to massive rants with him like I do with you. No, well, they don't. They're not that bothered Because he'd just get bored, bored. The truth is he would get bored. So I try and entertain him with with the conversation that I think he will like, as if I'm talking to anyone else. I'm not. I'm going to look at people's body language and see if they're listening. If they're not interested, I'm not just going to go and rant on about things that that I know that they won't be interested in what. That's actually interesting, what you've just said.

Speaker 1: 12:30

Now I try and entertain him, yeah. So I think that might even be quite controversial. You know the way you've just said it. You know also you have to entertain your husband. Well, yeah, so who gives a? You know, they caught them, caught them, yeah.

Speaker 1: 12:43

But today you would say, well, look, I don't have to entertain my husband or my wife, they can entertain us. I'm tired, I come home, what do I have to do? I won't entertain, I'll be tired and I'll be on my settee with my dressing gown on or whatever, watching my film. I know what you mean, but I mean when I'm giving my husband or my, my partner, my hubby, a quality time, I will try and entertain. You will talk about topics that you think are going to be of interest to him. The same way, I'm not going to talk to my husband about psychology. No, the way I would talk to you about psychology oh, wow, have you heard about the latest relationship? But advice or something. I might say two words, but then I know he's probably going to turn away and start thinking about something else or kind of pretend to listen, which is worse. So I just I won't. I will give him. I know he respects my work and he values my opinion, but I think that's the same with them, because he's not going to be talking to me about football. He might say the main points, but he's not going to be talking to me about football like he does to my son, to our son. So he won't be the same with me.

Speaker 1: 13:53

We obviously, every person, has a different relationship, but you are saying that now it's like More and more common For one person To be the be in all and they get all that pressure, these expectations on them. And we are seeing this more and more in therapy, that there are more couples that come to us and say, yes, but she's my best friend, he's, he's not behaving like my best friend and but then again, you know they are your friends, but they're also your romantic partners and they cannot do it all. You need a whole little group in order to satisfy your, your specific needs. So you know this, this culture of being and just having one person is it's not enough. Yeah, I think that puts a spark out. I think that's why so many relationships are now a lot, especially long. Yeah, they're like they're they're. There's no intimacy anymore, there's no sex between partners.

Speaker 1: 14:56

I mean exactly, you don't want to, you don't want to hear about, or your husband's feeling, or someone, yeah, and he's moaning, moaning because he's feeling fat, or he just talks to you because he's got this oh, I'm suddenly feeling so old now, or I don't, I don't know. Yes, all right, you console them, don't you? You say yes, or you're I'm thinking no, you do console them, I wouldn't. Well, I do. I say come on and I be the motivator. I say get on the treadmill. Then, no, that's not true, I it doesn't exactly like what you say.

Speaker 1: 15:35

But I would say be your best friend and do something about it. I would be quite harsh, I'd probably like I would be to myself Don't you know? Don't let yourself go. Go and do something about it. Also, because you're going to be happier In the end If I hear that someone's unhappy about an aspect, like if they think they've put on weight, and it's a physical and they can do something about it. And they can do something about it because obviously, if you have physical limitations or you can't because you've hurt yourself or you just can't manage it, you're overstressed or whatever. No, but if you can, if you can do something about it, I'm going to be like your best friend and say, yeah, go, and you know, go and do that 30 minute walk, be nice, you know it'll help you. Take a walk. Yeah, do anything you can to stay a little bit active. Yeah, make a walk. Yeah, do anything you can to stay a little bit active. Yeah, but I know, I know this is what it is like and it's getting more and more like this today. But you want, I think you want.

Speaker 1: 16:24

I don't know why we're talking about this because we've gone off topic a bit, but I think you want your partner to be. The topic is always around best friends. Yes, but it's be your own best friend. It's supposed to be. Yes, I know, but the topic it's still all related, because if only we could be more our own best friends, we wouldn't need them to be. We would not need them to be, but we do. As humans, we need other people as well.

Speaker 1: 16:50

Like what you said, I'm saying it's not easy. It's not always easy to find a best friend. You fall out with friends. You have a best friend. You fall out with friends, you have a best friend. But why do you fall out with them?

Speaker 1: 16:59

I think it's because we take, because we put so much importance on our partners as well and we isolate ourselves so much that we forget to cultivate our true friendships. Sometimes that is the case. Sometimes it's just because one of us grows more than the other and life just simply changes us, and so sometimes that's just a question of hanging, just simply changes us, and so sometimes that's just a question of hanging, you know, hanging in there for a little bit. And sometimes true friends, like they're a bit like you know, you can not see them for 10 years and then, whoop, you might phone them again. Well, it'll be like you've never left them, you never left. So if you do have a friend that you thought you know once was really yeah, and you've lost touch, maybe just text them a bit and say I'm thinking about you. You know, because that's that's always a way of reconnecting.

Speaker 1: 17:43

It can be quite easy, can't it very easy? You've already had a relationship, yeah, anyway. I don't know if we've gone off topic, but I do think even the fact about relationships. That was on my mind lately about the best friends. Group A is too much importance, don't we? Yeah, definitely. I can see it even already in my two sons you know, one's 24, one's 26. The relationship with their girlfriends is quite, you know, it's like. It's like sometimes I wish it was like more expanded.

Speaker 1: 18:21

You know, don't, don't just focus on that person, you know, remember that there's. They tend to isolate a little bit you know a bit too much, I think, both of them and just focus it all on their best. You know one person. Maybe it's easier in a way as well, isn't it? It's a lot easier because you have, once you settle in, and you have more or less everything you've got, you know. You know, if we go on holidays, we know we'll be happy because we want to do this and we want to do that, and afterwards we have to wait for the other people to wake up, sort of like things like that I was overhearing saying. So we just go on holidays alone, it'll be easier.

Speaker 1: 18:59

But the importance of cultivating friendship is fundamental for your life, yeah, so definitely cultivate it, even though it is a bit of a sacrifice sometimes to have to wait for other people or adapt to their needs. The, the, the being your own best friend is, would your own best friend would tell you, do not lose all the friendships. Yes, yes, yes, I know we have to go back to being your own best friend. And, like what you said, I do think if we did a seven-day test trial period of this and we really really do all put our minds to it, you know, from the moment we get out, we say, hey, oh, just remember, I'm being my own best friend today. You step into work, or if you don't work, you're looking for a job. Well, oh, I'm my best friend today. What would you know I, how would I act if it was really for my best interest? And you would think that's so obvious.

Speaker 1: 19:56

But we often act against our own best interest in the slightest bit. We sabotage ourselves continuously and make it so hard for ourselves. Well done, this is the hardest part of being a human is that we auto sabotage ourselves. We put these limits on ourselves continuously. So we've got to watch out. We put the blocks on, don't we? We definitely do know how to put on ourselves. Yeah, we do it all to ourselves.

Speaker 1: 20:28

Now we can have the excuse. It's a culture which is not really an excuse, but we can have. You know, we've got lots of reasons why we do it and they're valid. They are valid. They're valid. I did not mean to say excuse because it's not, that's horrible. Um, they're all valid reasons. But you know, I think awareness again, I think if we, once we become aware of it, we can do something about it, which is what's empowering. Yes, it's always. We can do the test and just see how we feel.

Speaker 1: 20:59

Come on, be your best friend, even like I'm. I'm gonna be my best friend, like from nine till six today, and then notice what happens after 6 pm. You know what? What's happened now? Where's that horrible person coming from? Yeah, well, why? Why am I suddenly? What was that thought there, saying I look, uh, I don't know, or I'm not up to standards, or feeling insecure? Well, what's happened here?

Speaker 1: 21:28

Do you imagine if you walk into your workplace or into school or whatever you're doing, and you've got your best friend inside your head, you know, inside your mind, whispering sweet things to yourself? But you know, oh, you're looking amazing, oh, you're doing great, feeling confident now, yes, never mind, never mind, oh dear that you know you failed that test. Next time you'll do better. You know, imagine, imagine this constant, these sweet nothings being whispered in your own ear by you oh, sweet everything, sweet everything. Yes, because they're not sweet nothings.

Speaker 1: 22:04

Yes, constantly being said to yourself how would your life really change? I'm already feeling delighted at the thought, and I'm already a kind person. I'm always kind to myself. Yes, yeah, and now I could probably be even kinder. We all could, we definitely could. Yes, I, I am a kind person to myself as well.

Speaker 1: 22:28

I've learned to do it with the psychology behind it. It wouldn't have been like that before. No, well, kind of not, not too quite lucky, because our parents weren't very hard on us. No, no, especially mum, she kind of did encourage that, she definitely did. Yeah, yeah, however, however, yeah, and there's so much going on outside your own personal family circumstances that conditions you anyway. So, goodness, it's not just about that.

Speaker 1: 22:55

One thing is it. It's about anything. It's about an email that arrives and can make you feel, oh no, it can break you. Well, yes, and what would your best friend say? Never mind, just deal with that in the morning, don't worry about it now. Let's go out for drinks. Exactly, let's go and do this now and forget about that. Exactly Tomorrow will be okay, you about that tomorrow?

Speaker 1: 23:19

Be okay, you sleep on it now and then let's see. Tomorrow we'll find the right answer for it. You know there are things that your best friend does solve it for together. We'll solve it together, yeah, and you, yeah, gosh be amazing, wouldn't it? We're going to try it.

Speaker 1: 23:31

So we put you to the challenge of being your own best friend for one week. Yes, and let us know how you get on for seven days, and I bet, after seven days, you won't want to stop being your own best friend for one week. Yes, and let us know how you get on for seven days, and I bet, after seven days, you won't want to stop being your own best friend either. Well, let's see, let's see what happens. Let us know, let us know. Do the test, goodness me, what would happen. We have all sorts of new situations coming up. Yes, yes, all sorts, really. Let us know. Yeah, and thank you to those that always comment on our youtube videos. We really love you and thank you so much because we know who you are and you're always there for us. Thank you, thank you so much. Lots of love from the english sisters.