The Cost of Concealing Emotions: Finding Authenticity in a Digital World

Ever concealed your feelings until they bubbled over in unexpected ways? Our latest episode peels back the layers of emotional expression, shining a light on the hidden struggle to regulate what we feel and the toll it can take on our physical well-being. Join us as we traverse the delicate balance between showcasing our true selves and the guise we often present to the digital world. Feel the pulse of our conversation as we share tales of global connection and the imposter syndrome that lurks within, and find out why human validation is more than a mere pat on the back—it's a crucial awakening from the emotional autopilot we unknowingly engage in.

Wrestling with the disconnection in our tech-saturated lives, we dive into the physical repercussions of emotion suppression and the underestimated power of a simple clench and release. Our journey continues as we reflect on the undeniable significance of voice and visual contact, recounting moments where these interactions were paramount to understanding and empathy. With each anecdote and insight, we dissect the evolving norms of emotional expression across cultural and gender lines, unraveling the complex web of communicating in a digital age. So, lend us your ears and perhaps discover a part of yourself in the stories and strategies we share, as we unravel the nuanced art of emotional authenticity and the pursuit of genuine human connection.

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Chapters

• 0:01 Emotional Regulation and Repression
• 10:55 Emotional Repression and Physical Effects
• 19:10 The Importance of Human Connection

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

bottling up emotions. What, yes, what a feeling, all these feelings that we can feel and that we don't allow ourselves to feel more than anything. Yeah, that's what we're going to be talking about in this week's episode of get real with the english sisters, so join us. We're now in over 86 countries. People are listening, as south korea, japan, usa, uk, italy and so many more india. I mean, it's just amazing, isn't it? Thank you so much for all your support, and do go and follow us and come and see us on instagram, too, at get real with the english sisters. With english sisters, I am feeling ever so excited about this, and I am not bottling up these emotions. Oh, no way, no way.

Speaker 1: 0:54

We certainly know how to feel excited, even though sometimes I do feel as if I have like a bit of imposter syndrome, because sometimes, when I see that, you know, when I look at the charts and I see that we're in all these countries and people are listening, I can't really believe it, I suppose, because it's a podcast and we don't actually get feedback. We don't see you and, of course, those of you that do come and say hi on Instagram. It's great. It makes it more real, though, doesn't it? Yeah, otherwise it's just like oh, is it true? Yeah, and sometimes I feel like I can't, just a little bit of when, when, yeah, when you send me all these things, I think, oh, my gosh, what like? We've had, like I don't know, 67 downloads in in a remote part of the world for me. I I have a difficulty in not sort of believing it's true, because I know it's true, because it's not like, but it's like. Is it because you think we can't actually touch it and feel it? If we went and then we see the people in the room, like what they say, you can see the people in the room. Oh, yes, when you see the people in the room and then you can go and say hi to them, yes, because you can't talk to them. Well, that's it, isn't it? After all, we kind of need that connection, we need the human connection. We're not like trying to make you feel guilty here, saying right to us, but it's kind of like we don't. It's like, yes, you can't sort of like. I'm sure that you are the same way. You must have had that experience where something's happened to you and then you just feel as if did that really happen, or you know, am I just kind of imagining it.

Speaker 1: 2:31

I think it's because when you don't have like real live conversations with people, that's why I think, even when you do, because sometimes when you go somewhere and you might be told like well, you're really good at that and you're really good at that, and you just go, thank you, but you don't, you don't actually kind of leave it. Yeah, yeah, maybe. Yeah, and I think that is something to do with what we're talking about today, about emotions, how we process them. How do we actually take the time we need to actually really think about how we're feeling, or it does it just go like in one ear and out the other, like they used to say? Is that a question of low self-esteem? Do you think, like because you don't really believe, what other people are telling you like I don't know, you don't some human? Um, it's just something that humans do. What Do they? Or do we just do it? I mean all the humans, the people sometimes that we see like for therapy. We know that they may be suffering from that as well and we actually coach them into believing more in themselves. So, come on, I think it's also maybe because we tend to like not believe in ourselves that much. But I do believe in us and I do believe in the and I do believe in the work we do. But I don't know, I think I think it's because it's online. I don't think, yeah, I don't think it's because we don't believe in ourselves.

Speaker 1: 3:53

I think it's because it's something when it's a bit too much for your brain to absorb, it becomes overwhelming, and then you just think it's just easier to go because let's face it, okay, we're hypnotists, we're hypnotherapy, we know how the mind works, we know what we do and most of the time I mean people are scared of hypnosis, but really most of the time all of us are like in a hypnotic trance, which means we are just in autopilot. That is the classification of a hypnotic trance. It doesn't mean you're asleep, it just means you're in autopilot and you're going around your day without thinking about things. And I think that's what happens when someone breaks that and they say, oh, you're really good at that. Oh, thank you, oh, you receive a compliment. It's like, hey, you're back in the world again. You're not just sipping your coffee and looking through your phone or doing your work, you're here with me.

Speaker 1: 4:52

You mean it's like a pattern interrupt, like they've interrupted, your daily thinking pattern and your daily trance that we all go around in. Do you think this is something that we do in order to repress emotion? Then, do you think this is what we all do? I think we do do it in order to repress emotion, because when we're going around in our daily trance, so to speak, we brush our teeth, we have the same thoughts going through our head, whether it's negative or positive, and it's like and then it's, and then it's hey, it's like a wake up, yeah, it's like an interaction, even for.

Speaker 1: 5:31

The surprising thing is that, even for good things because we're talking about good things you've been interrupted here. Now you're you. You have to. Yeah, you're right, you have to come out of yourself, come out of your shell and come into the world. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, gosh, I mean, that is quite impressive that, the fact that you've just said that. Yeah.

Speaker 1: 5:55

So I think what we have to do is, like, with our emotions, maybe we should aim for regulation, not repression. That's a good thing. Maybe we should learn we should I'm all chuffed about that very happy, yeah, because I think that if we learn to regulate our emotions to uh, to a certain point, whether they're extreme happy emotions or extremely you know other kind of more intense emotions. If we learn to regulate them in a way that we can still feel them, but we're not, and we're not repressing them, but we're not like sometimes then obviously you have to regulate them, don't you? To a certain point?

Speaker 1: 6:35

If for normal kind of activities, if you want to feel like jumping up and down for joy because something great has happened to you, but you're in that kind of uh you know atmosphere where you don't think other people are going to appreciate that, or you know you might well you have to read the room. Obviously, if you are in a in a, in a I don't know I've just thought of something really sad say, you're in a hospital room and you've got other people receiving diagnosis that aren't aren't good and yours is really good well, that's a good, that's a fair point, and people around you are crying and that you're not going to start saying, yeah, you know, I've, I mean you, you can inside, but obviously you're going to go away to another place which is more appropriate, and then, yeah, be happy there, but I mean, that's just part of being human, that is yeah, that's is yeah, that's kind of understanding it. Yes, yes, if you have, you know, but in general I think If you understand, like human behaviour and other people's emotions and that is something you know, even if you're on the spectrum you can learn how to do that. You can learn, yes, so that's a bit of an extreme example there, but in general I think if we learn to regulate our emotions, you know, on a larger scale, for everything in life, I think that could be really useful. Like a nervous emotion and, um, frustrating emotions that can come up. I think if we learn how to regulate them by understanding that they're coming up, well, yeah, I mean, there's anger, there's happiness, there's so many. There's jealousy, sadness, grief, feeling melancholic, feeling nostalgic, which has happened a lot in the past, you know, over the past few years.

Speaker 1: 8:23

I think if we do learn to regulate that, we won't be repressing it so much. It's like, you know, we could just imagine like, how can you regulate it? Though? You have to, you have to let it out, you have to talk about it. Yes, you have to talk about it and let it out slowly. It has to be like not not taboo. You have to say how you feeling. You okay, you okay, mate, how are you? You know what's it, what's going on with you.

Speaker 1: 8:50

I think that you need to have, like, once again, you know, have a human connection with somebody and actually have a real conversation with somebody um, friends, the family, whoever it is, therapists. You know the thing is a lot of the time you don't want to be the one that's that, like, you know, the emotional one, the emotional one, the one that's going to be putting a downer on everything, especially if the emotions aren't that great, if they're not happy, even if they are happy. I mean you, you don't. You can't always share happy emotions. Either no, people are not can get on other people's nerves, or they can be a sensitive. Like you're having a baby and you know your friend can't have one. You're not going to start jumping up and down saying how happy you are when your best friend, you know she's maybe struggling for years, or you know, or they've been struggling for years to have children. And you can't. Obviously you have to. You have to know, you know what's going on around you. You have to be sensitive, don't you? I think it's.

Speaker 1: 9:45

I think that's important, and sometimes being too sensitive is what is what causes all these emotions. Yeah, because you think it can never be my turn exactly. It's never kind of appropriate because everything else is so overwhelming for everyone else. There's so much heartbreak going on in the world, there's so many people struggling with so many different things. Who am I to be able to express my joy now?

Speaker 1: 10:14

That's also that's a good point, because I think when you are an emotional person, you do tend to bottle your emotions up even further because you feel as if you can't express your emotions, because you also tune into what other people's emotions are and you know about them, because there's some people they just, they just they go around. They go around as if there aren't any more. You know they couldn't give, they couldn't give a, they couldn't care, care less if other people, they're just like not even thinking about them. They're just thinking about themselves. So, hey, I'm great. You know I'm doing this. I want everyone to to to kind of listen and see what I'm doing and how I'm feeling, and you know I've got a right to this.

Speaker 1: 10:55

Hmm, yeah, sometimes being too overly, or thinking that you're too overly, emotional as well, because I don't think. I think we, we're, we're all emotional beings, it's just that we've some people have learned to repress it more than others and that's not really doing them any good. Either we suppress it and then it just all pressure, then it, then it comes out, or come out in your health in a chronic illness or a heart attack god forbid, or yeah, so you know it or backache. Yeah, you'll repress these emotions and your body will stiffen up. And it'll stiffen up. It will not in a good way, not in a bad way. No, yeah, and it will. Yes, absolutely not in that kind of way. It'll stiffen up in a bad way, like on your shiati cat, on your backache, on your neck, where you actually might need it. No, and it's no good, definitely not good for you.

Speaker 1: 11:58

And and you'll, you'll think why do I get these? You know pains now in my body. What's happened? Like, I mean, I got a terrible backache, backache last time I went to the hospital, but I knew what, what it was. I was fully aware, I knew I was so tense sitting on that chair waiting to get the results and everything, and I knew I was tense and stressed about it. And you find, well, I mean, I just can't believe it the next day I have this terrible backache.

Speaker 1: 12:25

Well, it's obvious, because you're holding your body in a tense state. I mean, if you do the test at home and you just clench your fist and you'll stiffen your arm up If you're watching the video you can see us but anyway, I've got my hand out straight with my fist really tense, tight, yes, and then you hold it like that for a few seconds and then you release it. You take a deep breath in and you release it and you'll actually feel how much tension you're actually holding in your arm and your hand and it'll go right through your body and you'll feel release. So that's what we do with our bodies all day long. It's like we clench them. We clench them. We clench them in certain situations. Yeah, we keep them tight without realising it because we're so tense. We do that to our breath as well. The breath we hold it, hold it in.

Speaker 1: 13:17

We stop breathing properly. Yeah, that's what some people say Stop, you don't breathe properly. I mean that's annoying in per se, isn't it? When they say you don't know how to breathe, I mean it's a subconscious action. Yeah, but what we do is when we're very stressed we've got cortisol going through our bodies, adrenaline we stop breathing properly. So we stop taking those extra deep breaths that we have. If we have to do every now and again yes, we do, and we start breathing rather rapidly and and so we're actually, you know, receiving less oxygen and so the whole.

Speaker 1: 13:58

It causes a whole series of problems that we're kind of not really aware of because we've repressed it once again. So you have to become, I think, aware of the repression that you're doing to your own emotions and, um, yeah, whatever it is like, yeah, and so if you, if you are feeling an emotion and I mean I suggest that if you're going through, say, grief or some other emotion, anger, if you're feeling anger there, there are things you can do. Like, if you're feeling anger, you can go into a room and scream when there's no one around you and you're not going to hurt anyone with your voice. But, yeah, do physical activity. You can also sport and exercise excellent ways. That's why people feel they're so great after they go for a run or a walk. Yeah, definitely. And also, when you're walking, you're breathing properly because your body just requires it, so subconsciously, you just start breathing properly, yeah, and then definitely try and talk to somebody, have a real conversation with somebody, not just texting.

Speaker 1: 15:03

It's different, like if you have nothing else, texting does help a lot, texting like you can text the friends and say I'm feeling rotten today, you know, and that. Like you can text the friend and say I'm feeling rotten today, you know, and that. But if you can actually Even, rather than texting, I think you can phone them. Or if you, if it's not phone, but even the voice memos, because you can hear the person's voice, which is very calming. It can be very calming. Yes, and it's because we do need that kind of connection.

Speaker 1: 15:29

Why do we say I want to hear your voice? Yes, absolutely, like the other day, my son phoned me. He texted me and he said Mom, I don't feel well. So I said, well, can you do a video call Because I want to see you. No, no, there's no need. And I said I just want to see your face, can you just call me? And then, when he called me, I saw he had this massive lump here, like under his yeah, under his ear and near the jaw, and it was a mandibular gland that had actually really swollen up. This probably had something, I don't know. So I said no, now that I've seen you, I want you to go and see a doctor. However, I just wanted to see him. You know, like just check in, check in, check in, even though I mean I see him. You know like just check in on his status, check in, check in, even though I mean I see him a lot, but he doesn't actually live with me anymore. I just wanted to see him.

Speaker 1: 16:19

And, and sometimes I think we can forget that when we text um, the importance of actually, because I think what happens is when you're texting, though you're you're not, you can be texting and not really thinking about that person, so there's no intention in it, you're just writing and you're not writing. Sometimes you can just say, yeah, everything's okay, you know all. Okay, mate, you know like especially, but then when you actually hear somebody's voice, you can pick up and say you know, you can pick up on so many things and say, right, I don't really think my friend is okay. No, you can hear like crying over the voice. Well, I mean, that's quite extreme if it's crying, but you can hear, crying is one of these emotions that we need to be able to do. No, absolutely, but I mean they might not actually be crying, they might just be feeling whatever they're feeling. Yeah, but you can't see crying in a text, can you, unless you put a teary face? Yes, but it's not the same thing. That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 1: 17:15

Yes, yeah, so I I think it's important if we can at least talk to somebody for real, like for real talk to somebody, because that can help us express some of what's been going on, at least once a week, you know, with somebody that you care about. If you can, and if you don't have that kind of relationship, then yeah, I think with friends as well. If you, if you've got one friend that's hogging all the conversation all the time because they're going through a particularly a tough time or whatever, that's fine. But I think then you have to say, okay, now it's my turn. I need to, I need to talk about what's going on with me now. Can you just listen for a few minutes and give me you know, give me some support. Support, yeah, because all you need is just to really be listened to. Yeah, I mean, obviously you might need a hug as well, but you need somebody to actually really listen to you.

Speaker 1: 18:09

Um, yeah, actively, yeah, well, yeah, because I think we forget about that nowadays. You know it's all not, not, not just, I'm not. You know I'm a, I'm addicted to my phone as well. I'm not saying it's because of, and a lot of the times I prefer to text because I don't want people to actually hear my voice, because I might not be feeling great, and so I think. No, you know, like I just say, you know, how are you? Oh, great, thanks, all good. You know, and I know she's suspicious. Now, you know, I'm just thinking of the last few texts I got off you, yeah, yeah. Or you on the text you write, yippee, you know all great. Off you, yeah, yeah. Or you on the text you write, yippee, you know all great. But then really, you're, you know, you've been through something quite intense and and and obviously when I see you, I always tell you, I always tell you, and that's why I find it very therapeutic, yeah, and you tell me, you know what, what's been going on? But yeah, definitely it's.

Speaker 1: 19:10

We can lack that in today's modern society even more now, because I think we have to put a brave face on, don't we? Yeah, and there's times when we can just be walking around, even like in our normal lives, and we've got our ear pods on, like you're going to a supermarket, you're buying some foods and you you couldn't. You're not even looking at the cashier that's serving you anymore, if you're lucky enough to have one. Otherwise it's just most of them don't have them now. Well, here they still do. In Italy, a lot of the times you have somebody, but, like the other day, I just saw this person just going in with their ear pods on and not even listening and looking at the lady who was you know, and I thought, yeah, I get that because you're on a conversation or you're something you know. In the past that would be considered rude to go around like that, you know, and not actually look at the person or still be on the or doing your own stuff. And nowadays it's like become more normal, but it does mean that we kind of lose connection even with you know, the few people that we have around us, with the locals. Yeah, and I think that's important, it's really important not to do it.

Speaker 1: 20:24

Yesterday I went into a coffee shop and I was actually on the phone while I was ordering un cappuccino and I said un cappuccino and I thought I haven't even really acknowledged the lady that's serving me. And afterwards I went and I ordered another one and I actually looked into her eyes and I connected with her and I thought, wow. And I gave her a smile and I thought, god, I was rude before. Yeah, I would consider that a bit rude. It was rude, but I had. I was actually on the phone, but did I really have waited to order? You didn't have to order, I didn't have to answer my phone right there. And then, exactly, that's what I mean. Yes, I'm addicted. I answered this client's phone call. I thought I didn't have to answer it, I could have just phoned back later, but I did. And then then I thought, look, I'm as guilty as everybody else around here and I got the human connection. I still remember her face now.

Speaker 1: 21:22

Well, obviously, and it was a moment, and I thought we need more of these moments. Well, we do, because that's what's going on now. There aren't enough of these moments, these mirror neurons. We reflect each other. We need these scientifically. We need these mirror neurons. So every time we stare at someone or look at them in a nice way obviously don't give them filthy stares we give them a nice smile and a look and acknowledge their presence we are getting mirror neurons back in return which are giving us dopamine. They're giving us feel good hormones, yes, so it's like having a shot of feel-good hormones. Every time when you smile at someone. If they're not feeling great, you're going to make them feel better and in return, you will feel better as well you will.

Speaker 1: 22:07

So I know this podcast is about you know, um, how to express emotion. But this is all part of it, because I think that the new world that we're into nowadays is kind of not really helping us to express our human emotions that much, even though an emoji and everything can help. But it's not the same. No, it has become more loving.

Speaker 1: 22:33

I think, with all these little hearts and emojis, you kind of feel, I think, can say I feel I love you more than maybe in our times when I you know, our dad wouldn't even tell us he loved us. It was. We was understood that, we knew that he loved us deeply, but he wouldn't actually say I love you. It was like taboo to say it for some reason, like you couldn't like express these things. Yeah, so now you can say I love you to your friends and I love you, you send hearts and you send hearts and kisses, and but it's different to say to a friend you know, I really love you. You know when looking at them in their eyes, you know then sending hearts out on a text, it's a big deal.

Speaker 1: 23:13

You probably, if you say to a friend, I love you especially men I know that men don't hardly ever do this yeah, you know, or I miss you. You know, like may you know men they don't say to their best friends I've really missed you. I don't think they say that more now. Maybe more now. But like I was asking my son he's 26 I said did you tell your friend he hasn't seen him for ages how much you're actually missing? Because no, mom, we don't talk like that, you know, as if don't be weird. But I don't think you would tell your girlfriends either. No, I think I think women are better at this. If you were really good friends, you would.

Speaker 1: 23:53

Otherwise you can sound a bit needy, especially if they're off doing their own thing and they're really happy, not like that. I mean not yeah, well, yeah, yeah, because sometimes in your you've got your best friend that's going off and doing their own thing and they're really happy and you're going through a more tough time, and then you're really saying I really miss you, I really miss you. In the end you're gonna put a dampener on that person, aren't you? Yeah, not, yeah, it's just like sort of when you do manage to set a time to actually meet in real life, then to give them a hug and say, gosh, I miss you. You know what? Maybe lovely seeing you, that's all. What are you saying? Lovely seeing you? Yeah, yeah, instead of so much I miss you, because that is talking about your emotions, I suppose. But it's saying I miss you.

Speaker 1: 24:41

It could make the other person feel as if they, like they've been, like they feel they can feel like, oh, I haven't, like you know, being there. Yeah, yeah, I know what you mean, yeah, but then again, you're not allowed to, so you're not allowed to say that you have to repress it. I think that's where you would repress it. You would repress it and you wouldn't say I miss you, especially if they're busy. Yeah, you just say, oh, it's been lovely. Well, yeah, because you're suddenly getting. You have suddenly invented this persona. That's really, really needy. I don't know where you've just invented that from, as if there's some kind of weird stalker. I miss you. I mean, I just met it in a really nice way. You know, like you're both really busy and you're both doing your normal stuff, but then when you manage the other person, of course the other person will say I really miss meeting up. It's really sweet.

Speaker 1: 25:28

Do you remember in the pandemic how much we missed each other? Oh my god, that was awful. We couldn't see each other for years what, yeah, well, not years, but it was like like locked into our own villages. Yeah, and that was horrible. That that's when you kind of realize what really is like.

Speaker 1: 25:43

Since then. You know that ever since the pandemic, I have not wanted. I before I used to love staying at home all day and just staying in the garden, maybe working a bit online, and, yes, put me off. But now I I always want to go somewhere. Yeah, yeah, I know We've been traumatised by it.

Speaker 1: 25:59

Just because you can go somewhere, just because Because you haven't got the police on. Here in Italy we used to have the police at the end of the road checking documents and asking where you were going. I mean, it was, it was a horrible time. It was a horrible time. Yeah, that was really horrible. That's when you really realized how important connection is and actually seeing people because you could be online. Or I remember once we talked to our colleague in um in America and he he was saying, oh my god, I can't believe I can't go out and see anyone. It's so hard and yet we were talking from Italy to America but it's not the same as seeing someone in person. No, well, that's my point exactly. So we know, I know, know, the COVID was a big trauma for everybody, whether you realise it or not.

Speaker 1: 26:45

Because some people say it wasn't traumatic. They'd say it was lovely because they've managed to be at home and connect with their family, connect with their families and maybe feel more emotions that maybe in their everyday Were so repressed. Yeah, one of the mill lives when they're just doing, you know, going about their day, every day. They didn't have time to do maybe. Yes, for a lot of people they did manage to reconnect and they've managed to say now I don't want that lifestyle anymore where I'm always running around and always, you know, going to work and it made you stop, definitely made you stop and reflect and then hopefully you know we've risen from this a little bit more wiser, you know, and we understand more what we need, as well as to make us feel okay in our lives. Definitely, yeah, well, it does make you stop anyway. Yeah, I mean, I think we're going to put it over to you now. Give you the mic and let us know, even like you know on instagram at get real with the english sisters what you think about this.

Speaker 1: 27:54

And do you suppress your emotions? Do you find that it's difficult to actually absorb? You know, really feel things. Is it really hard for you to feel things? Do you give yourself the permission to feel things? Yeah, and I do think you know we do learn that, instead of to repress, we can learn to regulate them in a way that they come out like what you said, you know, in a in in, in a nice way.

Speaker 1: 28:25

You know reading the room, as you were saying. You know understanding the situation, but allowing them to come out without sounding like a needy freak or anything, but allowing yourself to to say things, like you know, to your friends I, I do, I have missed you and I want to connect more or, when it's possible, and uh, or I love you. You know saying allowing these things to come out more, will, will, somehow. This is really nice. Yeah, not, not just, this was really nice. You know, this was, this was great. You know, let's let, let's connect again. No, that sounds fake, I don't know. Yeah, because everyone always says that and then you never really do connect many times. No, I think they have to be genuine, genuine moments.

Speaker 1: 29:13

You will know how to do yes, we're human. We know how to do yes, because we're human, we know how to do these things automatically. Of course we do yes, there's no need for us to tell you how to do them. But let's do them more, because I think it will all make us feel better. It certainly does, definitely. Okay, see you soon, and thank you so much for listening and for downloading. Get Real with the English Sisters. We really appreciate you Very for listening and for downloading. Get Real with the English Sisters. We really appreciate you Very much. So, and we love you all in the way we can, in the way we can. Yes, definitely See you soon. Bye-bye, lots of love and smiles from the English Sisters. Bye.