Understanding Lies: Empathy, Social Etiquette, and Hidden Struggles

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Have you ever wondered why someone close to you might feel compelled to fabricate stories? This week on "Get Real with the English Sisters," we share a deeply personal tale about a school friend whose lies were more than just tall tales; they were a shield against a harsh reality. We explore the psychological reasons behind this behavior, from insecurity to the desire to belong, and discuss the importance of empathy over confrontation. By understanding the hidden struggles that drive people to create these alternate realities, we can better support them through their challenges.

Moving from personal to societal, we also dissect the role of "white lies" in our daily interactions. Whether it's complimenting a friend's questionable fashion choice or expressing gratitude for a less-than-stellar meal, these small untruths are ingrained in our social etiquette. We tackle the delicate dance of balancing honesty and kindness, particularly highlighting the unique difficulties faced by individuals on the spectrum in navigating these social norms. Listen in as we offer insights and practical advice on handling these tricky situations while maintaining respect for others' feelings and boundaries.

Hypnotherapy coaching sessions can help if you are struggling with anxiety.  Please email us at englishsisters@gmail.com if you would like help with an issue, mentioning this episode of our podcast for a special discounted rate. We work with clients worldwide over Zoom or Skype. Buy our Book Stress Free in Three Minutes available on Amazon and Kindle, to help support our work. Thank you!

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Chapters

• 0:00 Dealing With Lies and Betrayal
• 12:30 Navigating Social Lies and Etiquette

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

You know, the other night I was at the concert. I went to the Taylor Swift concert and I had a massive, a great time. She was absolutely amazing. I just got on the plane. You know I just you are that is a liar, liar fans on fire. I know you did not go there, that is 100%. I know it's not true. So why are you laughing then? Because you're laughing and because it's an outrageous, obvious lie, and that's what we're going to be talking about in this week's episode of Get Real with the English Sisters how to catch a liar, liar, liar in the house.

Speaker 1: 0:48

Yes, now, obviously there are white lies and there are deeper lies that we have to uncover and unveil. People tell white lies a lot of the time because they're insecure, because they feel left out. Like maybe the Taylor Swift thing if everyone, if the whole of London and the whole world is talking about Taylor Swift and you feel as if you're missing out, maybe someone that's maybe more insecure could tell a little white lie about it, or even feel that they were actually there because they watched the whole thing on video. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, You're looking very suspicious. No, I'm looking suspicious because I think you know, that's more like.

Speaker 1: 1:46

You know, I remember at school I used to have a friend and she was, she was a children here and her lies would have been that, something like that oh, yes, I went to that concert and absolutely, and of course, at the beginning I used to think, sure, yeah, you know, wow, good, wow, amazing, lucky, you had a lovely time. And then the next one was a big like, oh, I've got a boyfriend, he loves me incredibly. I know, of course, all the little girls, oh, wow, what's he like? Oh, he's like this, and he wears a leather jacket and he's really cool, and and we're all like, oh, wow, amazing. Until one of the other girls I remember she said, no, you can't really take everything she says like it's not, it's not kind of real. And she was a very nice friend of mine, you know, and she was very sweet and understanding and understanding, yes, and she said, no, it's kind of like it's it's not really real, the stuff she says. And I thought what she's just lying? This is just a whole bunch of lies. And she said, yeah, kind of you, you know, just go along with it. And in the end I remember all of us, since we were a nice bunch of kids.

Speaker 1: 2:49

We kind of realised that the best way to deal with her was not to just say no, that's not true. True, no, because it was like this fantasy. It would hurt her terribly. It was like a fantasy world she kind of like created either to impress us or because, ultimately, I think she totally believed in herself, but because she had a very hard life. I think I think yes, afterwards. Yeah, I just just said she wanted to disassociate, it was to be somebody else. I think, yes, I do think it was that she.

Speaker 1: 3:22

She was an immigrant child. I think maybe they had difficulties at home and the whole thing was just constructed from. Where she lived In the end we realised was not I mean, we were all just poor kids, there's none of us. But you know, like she was supposed to live in a certain house and I remember we actually tried to go and visit her and she wasn't there to. The whole thing was constructed, yeah, no, the whole entire thing from the age of 13 till 16. It was just one. Maybe she didn't even have a home. I'm thinking now as a therapist, she might have even been in a home or something. We absolutely have no idea.

Speaker 1: 3:59

Yeah, but from the age of 13 to 16, it was just one big, you know, like fib. We used to just think, oh well, yeah, that's just her. I think she's just like that. I think she was really lucky to have you as friends, because you didn't call her out on it and you, I think once I said, is that true? You know, like we used to find it really shocking, but in the end, yeah, we just all accepted it and just thought, lucky you and we were just. It was hard to be really close to her, though, because of the constant, you know, just just this fibbing, this lying all the time, this storytelling, let's, let's put it that way, it was a massive story. I've got this and, oh yeah, I went to the disco and all these cool things Apparently she had done and she was doing, and you know, these outrageous things for our age. It was all very out. I've kissed, oh yeah, I've kissed, and we've snuggled and oh, yes, you know, right up until you know the more, oh, wow, everything she'd done, you know.

Speaker 1: 5:03

So that is one particular case where lying can be, you know, delicate and it can be a way of just actually a coping mechanism. Absolutely, yeah, there's a defense mechanism going on. You're absolutely having to create another reality for yourself and I believe that's a bit like sleepwalking. So you know, you have to be careful how you tread with these people. You don't really want to just disturb their home, their whole. They've created a new reality when they're with around you and, like what you say, it's a way of coping. A way of because, especially at that tender age, you're an adolescent with the world. Yeah, coping, trying to fit in, is really important.

Speaker 1: 5:45

So if you're going to go and shake everything down and break it all up and say it's not true, it's very hurtful, it can be very hurtful and it probably would have. Really, you know. Well, you don't know what can happen, we don't know. They're just fragile minds, aren't they? Yes, people are fragile in the end.

Speaker 1: 6:02

So, yeah, I think, with with someone that does lie, if you're in a relationship, say, with someone that does lie, um, you do have to tread carefully because sometimes it is just because they're lying for their convenience and because they're not a very nice person and they you know they might be doing things behind your back that you're not in agreement with. Or they're lying because they feel they want to protect you insecurities or to protect you or to like you. You might find something out when you've grown up about what your mum or your father did and you think why was nobody tell, told me about that? Why did they lie about? Yes, exactly, and so their lies are very tricky, aren't they're tricky, aren't they? They're tricky. Yes, it's not black and white, let's put it that way. You know there are some obvious lies that you would say, but then again they're usually a covering up system. You know Well, like, say, if your partner's cheating on you and they lie about it, that's like an obvious lie for their convenience, isn't it? Yes, they're covering up something there. You know that. Then that's covering.

Speaker 1: 7:10

You have to have to go and you know, I think those are the lies that you have to like kind of uncover and then go and work it out. You have to have the courage if you want to face it. Yes, because if you don't, if you're not ready to face it, then you're. You will accept the reality that you're being told, for whatever reason, for a long time. For maybe for a long time, or maybe until you're ready to accept that A lot of the times you kind of know they're lying because you feel it, your gut instinct tells you there are ways to detect it. Yeah, you, but sometimes you're not ready. You're not ready, you gotta. You've got to be kind to yourself as well and accept the fact that you may not be ready for that, you know, or maybe your partner's not ready for it. You know they're lying to you, they're big, they're lying to you for whatever reason.

Speaker 1: 8:03

I mean, you've said like, ultimately, the something that's very, very hurtful, betrayal, betrayal, devastating. But we're not just talking about that. It could be other lies, like what else? You know? Yes, I was in, you know, I was at work late all all this time. I was at work, but really they went off to the park just on their own, just to get alone time, not necessarily because they're going off and they're betraying you. Or they went out for a drink with a mate they don't want to tell you, because you might think, oh, I couldn't wait for you to get home, but you were out having fun. Yes, do you know what I mean? So it's, but they lie, they lie and they cover it up, and because they they want to avoid conflict or they want to avoid being judged.

Speaker 1: 8:51

Many things, many things go on when one tells a lie. So you're saying that not all lies are like, not not all. It's not black and white, it's the the world of you know, we start off two-way thing. It's like a two-way thing, isn't it? We have to look. Why is that person nine so like, if they're going, yes, exactly what am I doing to make that but it's a reality for them? It could. It's not just about you, what am I doing. It could be just, they need that space, they need alone time, yeah, but what am I doing that I that they have to tell me, yes, they need that space. Why am? Why are they, you know, why are they kind of scared of me? They can't tell, they can't talk to me? Yeah, that's a good, that's a good question.

Speaker 1: 9:42

So when they're lying there may be, you look at having a look in the mirror and thinking, maybe I'm playing a part in this. You know I'm being too forceful. Maybe in that particular case you can just say, hey, you know, I know it's okay if you need alone time, I. You have to learn to accept that you know and say, okay, you know you might. Okay, you want to go out with your friends sometimes, that's okay, you don't have to learn to accept that you know and say, okay, you know you might, okay, you want to go out with your friends sometimes, that's okay.

Speaker 1: 10:08

You don't have to lie and say you're at work, yeah, you know, and it's not like only working is acceptable. You're allowed to have fun and to go out, like you might go for drinks with your colleagues after work, but you're just saying, no, I work late, exactly. But there's a kind of fine line, isn't it? Because you're still kind of working because you're with your colleagues, but you're not really, because you're just saying, no, I work late, exactly. But there's a kind of fine line, isn't it? Because you're still kind of working because you're with your colleagues, but you're not really because you're drinking and having fun with them. Yeah, you're really. You know you could just go home, yeah, back to your partner, back to your family, whatever you know. But you don't want to. You want to go out and hang out and because the truth is is too late.

Speaker 1: 10:41

This is male and females do this. You know, all sexes, everybody, all of it, everybody, yeah, but this is that's not to be underestimated, because part of socialising with your employees or the people you work with is crucial to having a good work relationship with them. So I think so you think it is kind of working, it is work, it is socialising, and doing things after the traditional work hours and once you've closed is just as important, because it makes you feel better with the people you work with, and it's vital really. Otherwise they're just like oh hi hi. But if you manage to get to know something about them and it just improves your quality of life, in the end they're going to share something with you, tell you know that you share experiences. I think that's vital really. Really it's really important and it's not something to be underestimated. There's nothing you have to lie about really.

Speaker 1: 11:36

But I understand if the person is waiting for you and perhaps at that moment in their lives they might, they may be working from home or they may not have a job yeah, but I think then that's when they feel neglected to say I know, I realize that you know I'm going to go and do this thing after work and it's not exactly work, but I need my time and I want you tomorrow, to go and have a couple of hours for yourself or go out with your friends and, you know, do something nice for yourself so that you know it's like that. More balance, more balance. We all have time for self-care, both of us. Yes, yeah, yeah. Or if they don't have that many friends because I'm thinking they don't sometimes they don't have, no, no, but then maybe say we can do something together, together, babysitter or something. Yeah, if you've got children, even if you haven't, you know, just do something together together, babysitter or something. Yeah, if you've got children, even if you haven't, you know, you just do something together.

Speaker 1: 12:30

Yeah, I mean, lying is, um, it's not all black and white, it's not once again gray. There's so much gray in it. I mean, we're taught to lie from when we're little, aren't we? We're not allowed to say if someone's got a big nose, you can't just say you've got a big nose, because when children point things out all the time, don't you? We teach our children to be polite, not to say things, to be discreet. Yes, yes, you don't just point things out, because things can be unkind.

Speaker 1: 12:56

Yes, that's the kind of do you like my outfit, do you like my dress? And you really don't like it, and your best friend is delighted with it. You just say, yeah, looks. Wow, you know you have. It's a kind of but you might really not like it, but who cares? You put aside your personal likes and you, you know you, you say you like.

Speaker 1: 13:20

If your friend is puts a dress on and she says I'm not sure she's trying it on, and she says I'm not and I'm not really sure about this, does this look great on me? And you say, yeah, it looks great and it looks horrible, it looks awful. No, that's not being a good friend, that's you lying so that she'll look bad. That's like the salesperson genuinely liked it? I doubt it. I just think she was trying to make a sale and I think she would look better. Working on commission, yeah, but anyway, yes, that in that particular case. A lot of the times it's not like that, is it? It's just with your friends it's like they work late. Your friend is really delighted with something. She thinks it looks great or he thinks it looks great on him.

Speaker 1: 14:16

There's no reason for you to put your exactly no and say and say, no, I don't like it. No, no, there is no reason. Yes, it's like the wedding dress, once it's chosen and your friend loves it. Yes, just be quiet. And then I'm touching my nose, which is also a signal, yeah, apparently. Yeah, there were so many micro expressions. There are cues that you can. My nose actually got itchy because of all these lies we're telling. We're not telling lies, now, we're talking about the lies. I really do feel like scratching it. Sorry, all the lies I've told in the past, these white, you know.

Speaker 1: 14:52

Sometimes you even prefer your partner to tell lies, like if you say, did you? You know, it's like when they're totally honest with you, you can get a bit offended, like, do you want me to come with you? And then they say, oh, no, quite frankly, I'd rather just go with yeah, you know, with Tom. But if you want our joy, do you know what I mean? Well, it depends, because I think if they really don't want you to go, then I don't think you should be going Exactly, yes, no, you definitely should be going Exactly, yes, no, you definitely should be respectful. Yeah, if they do want you to come.

Speaker 1: 15:28

Because if it's going to be like you know you're going to be like what's it called the third wheel kind of thing, you're like it's not really appropriate for you to be there. It's like, can you imagine if your husband, if we're going like girly shopping, women's shopping, and then your husband said no, I want to come. Oh god, no. And then it's going to be all about him. No way, I would hate my husband to come, because then he just wants to browse all the men's shops and then he wants my opinion exactly. So there's certain things that you really don't want your partner to come. Yeah, I'm perfectly honest there. Say don't, don't come. And if they ask for your opinion, it's better to be honest and just say, oh, yeah, sure, unless you say here, sure, come, and you can just wait on a bench or something and you feel you feel as if they're waiting for you. No, because they are waiting for you. It's for nothing. No, you don't feel 100% like free, yeah, but it's, it's.

Speaker 1: 16:22

It's a weird thing because it's a kind of a social thing, lying, isn't it? It's like a social there's. But it's a weird thing because it's a kind of a social thing, lying, isn't it? It's like a social. It's part of the etiquette that you have to. You're expected to lie in certain situations. Yes, yes, yes. That's why I think so many people on the spectrum have difficulty with it, because it's not just a black or white thing, it's not. You lie, you don't lie. You do have to lie in some circumstances because you do have to, yes, yes, and in other circumstances you're not supposed to lie.

Speaker 1: 16:54

You know, you kind of are you kind of embellish the truth, like saying cvs and things like that. Or if your partner or your friend makes a meal and you know they put so much effort into it, how many meals have we been to that we haven't enjoyed at all? No, no. But you can't say oh, no, really, oh, this is horrible. What do you do? You taste it and you're, oh, thanks, wow, nice. But you don't ask for seconds if you can help it, if you really don't enjoy it, but then you, you've got to try and eat it, don't you come on, you do and you don't say you don't like it, no, because it's highly offensive.

Speaker 1: 17:35

Yeah, for the person who's got older, it's easier for me obviously as well. We're therapists, hypnotherapists. It's easier for me to like tell the truth and really say no. I really don't feel like doing that. You know, being honest instead of saying yes, I'll come, even though, and tell a lie, I like doing that kind of thing. Yes, the older you get, it gets easier, it does get easier kind of truth in there.

Speaker 1: 17:57

It's like this disarming truth that when you tell people they know you're being genuine and honest and honest and they actually yes, like if they say, do you want to come to this event or this? Or yes, to just be honest and say no, but I don't particularly enjoy those events, you'll be. You'll be surprised how often they say no, I don't like them either. Yeah, and then, well, why are you going? I don't know. You just kind of got to go, don't we? No, no, you don't really have to go. You know that in that particular case, I know what you mean. Yes, it's like you learn. You learn how to say things nicely without the other person getting offended. Yeah, but if the other person invites you home and you say, no, I don't want to come to your home, that's that can be sad.

Speaker 1: 18:42

Someone a friend of my husband's invited us. He said you want to come to a fish restaurant with us? Right, yeah, to eat, to eat fish, seafood restaurant, yeah, I thought fish restaurant, a seafood, yeah, yeah. And I said, oh, not really, I don't like seafood. And then he goes, oh, but then he didn't invite us and I thought, good, he didn't invite us because I didn't want to go. So I was happy.

Speaker 1: 19:08

So I think sometimes you have to be a bit more truthful, although if I'd been like someone say, maybe a version of me, like 20 years ago, I would have said yes, sure, yeah, whenever you want, right, yeah, so in the end, being truthful, can it? It makes you have it, frees you, it gives you the life you you know you want to live really and it helps you with your choices. But, yes, once again, yeah, without offending. You said I don't particularly like seafood, so maybe not. Yeah, maybe next time if you, we go to a pizza. I just said I don't really like seafood. And then they just, they just never invited us. So I was really happy because they're still friendly and everything with us, so they're obviously not offended.

Speaker 1: 19:56

No, then afterwards they find you somewhere else, somewhere else, yeah, and I said I was playing golf that day, right, so you've made it quite obvious by excuses. I was really shocked by how open, how honest I was about it. Really, you said that I didn't, it was my golf day. And then in the end he said oh, all, right, then, yeah, sure, he just accepted it. Yeah, that you might not be, um, ready to socialize with him, because it was really a hot day and everything. And yeah, golf that day. And I thought, no, it's my day to play golf.

Speaker 1: 20:30

You prioritize what you wanted to do with being truthful. Would you like to come? Yes, and in that case many people would just lie and say, yes, thank you, when is it? And then maybe make up an excuse on the day. But I just told him the truth and he said, all right, then we'll still be able to party without you. And he cracked a massive joke about it. Sure, yeah, yeah, that's that. That. That that was the best way to deal with it. He like used humor to perhaps cover up some feelings of rejection. Perhaps I don't know. I think he felt that rejected because, yeah, she asked me over to ask me about it, so he's obviously wanted an opinion. Yeah, otherwise he would have just said you just would have invited us and then it would have had to be an us to say no. He just asked us would you be up for this kind of obviously?

Speaker 1: 21:16

In that case, it's like this social thing. You know, it's different to actually having somebody that is lying to you all the time at home and that can be quite the opposite of lying. Yes, I was doing. Yes, exactly yeah, touching your ears. Why is this? What does that? Oh yeah, I don't know, just pensive I think, yeah, but um, yes, in that particular case, obviously it's kind of social. I think.

Speaker 1: 21:41

To wrap things up, we have to say that liars are tricky, yes, and that we're all liars. We're all liars and we all have to think in certain degrees and variations of it and we have to think it's not a black and white thing, so maybe be a bit sensitive with it. And then, if we do have someone that's always lying, you know, maybe there's reasons for it. Maybe they're not happy in the relationship, maybe they're not happy at work yeah, because in my particular case, in my friend's case, we were, we were children, but this can happen as adults as well.

Speaker 1: 22:13

You might have a co-worker, somebody you work together, who who's just lying about oh yeah, we're not holidays here, or like what you say, this and that concert. Maybe it's best not to destabilize them completely and just to be empathetic and understanding and, you know, not judgmental, because you don't really know what's going on there. You know, if somebody is lying to that degree or telling themselves, creating this new reality, there may be issues that you're not aware of, because there are reasons for this as well, aren't there, you know? You know everything's rosy, everything's perfect, everything's it really. Yeah, there's mental health concerns, yes, definitely.

Speaker 1: 23:01

So, yeah, maybe be a bit sensitive around the whole thing and if you think that somebody you know that you love or somebody that you're in a relationship with is outright lying to you, then maybe you know that's a time for you to look inside and and ask yourself a few questions. And perhaps you've had some instincts. Yeah, there's some feelings about you know and how to deal with it. You know, just just have a have a look, have a look at the part you play in this lying as well. Yes, and understand whether you're ready to, um, to open up the truth box. You know, to open it up always kind of accepted this kind of lying, because sometimes relationships are formed on these kinds of lies.

Speaker 1: 23:52

Yes, absolutely yes, and if you start to unravel everything, you might, might you know that there is, there's growth in this unraveling, but it's also something you have to be ready and aware of that. It's going to be uncomfortable. There are going to be moments. Is your relationship ready for that? Are you ready to to look into these kind of things, and perhaps it's a choice you have to make as well. So let us know what you think. Uh, please do come and see us on instagram at get real with the english sisters. You can comment on spotify and please do tell a friend about this podcast if you like it and you enjoy it absolutely, and what else and vote for us in the women in podcasting awards. There will be a link up from the first of august. Thank you very much. Thank you so much. Love you all and that's not a lie. It's not a lie. We appreciate you so much and love you lots. Bye.