Navigating Expectations in Relationships: Balancing Authenticity and Connection

Can you expect everything from your partner, or should you brace yourself for disappointments? Join us in this thought-provoking episode of "Get Real With The English Sisters" as we navigate the delicate terrain of relationship expectations. We unpack the nuances of balancing essential expectations like respect, kindness, honesty, and empathy while acknowledging that no one is perfect. Through vivid personal anecdotes, we illustrate how clear communication can transform your partnership into a harmonious haven. We also tackle the modern-day tendency to overthink and the crippling effects of heightened expectations fueled by contemporary lifestyles.

In our quest for authenticity, we discuss the fine line between being genuine and falling into the trap of self-deprecation. Why is it so important to maintain some mystery and flirtation in a long-term relationship? We delve into the significance of setting and preserving boundaries to keep the spark alive. By contrasting how men and women express insecurities, we provide insights into maintaining a vibrant connection. Tune in for a candid exploration of how to evolve together while respecting each other's interests and limitations, and connect with us on Instagram, YouTube, or our original podcast for more heartfelt discussions.

Hypnotherapy coaching sessions can help if you are struggling with anxiety.  Please email us at englishsisters@gmail.com if you would like help with an issue, mentioning this episode of our podcast for a special discounted rate. We work with clients worldwide over Zoom or Skype. Buy our Book Stress Free in Three Minutes available on Amazon and Kindle, to help support our work. Thank you!

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Chapters

• 0:00 Realistic Expectations in Relationships
• 13:21 Expectations and Evolving Relationships
• 23:33 Navigating Expectations in Relationships

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

expectations? Yes, do you expect everything from your partner or do you expect nothing? What is a realistic like yeah, what is a realistic expectation? Or is even having an expectation a good thing or not? Yeah, or should we just like not really expect anything and just welcome that whatever comes? Yeah, that's what we're going to be chatting about in this week's episode of Get Real with the English Sisters Violetta and Jutka Jutka.

Speaker 1: 0:47

Yeah, right, I mean mean yeah, what do you expect? I mean, do you think it's realistic to expect, like nothing from your partner? It seems like, really, I think if you expect nothing, you are like you have no self worth, because at least you want to expect some respect and some and some courteous. You expect them to be kind and honest, at least. That those are my expectations I have, and I would hope that any other person that has yeah, I think I would expect them to be. I mean, that's what I'd always be looking for. Yeah, the minimum kind, yes, the minimum is that for them to be kind and Generous. Well, generous, that's a plus. That's for me, that's a plus. That's for me too. Yes, loving, loving, gentle, caring, passionate, all of it really Empathetic, that's a big one. That's a big one. That's a big one. That's not always. You see, the thing is here. What we're really truly going to be actually talking about is the fact that a lot of people nowadays I think they do expect their partners to be like their full-on besties, best friends think confidence, confidence, the lovers. They expect everything of that person, and that can be a bit too much, yeah. So I think what we're going to be doing here today is actually unraveling, breaking down, yes, breaking down what are realistic expectations from your loved ones, from the person you choose to be with at this moment in time in your life. Yeah, because you think that stops people getting together with people as well, because they expect too much from that one person and that one person's not ticking all the boxes Exactly. Oh, goodbye, I regret. Date you Exactly, yes, exactly, yeah, that's what I'm beginning to think.

Speaker 1: 2:49

It is a little bit like that, you know, and many times I think that's why many people as well, we we like because we're so hard. I think people are more hard on themselves now because they've got more time to think about things, whereas before, maybe, it was just like the, the every day was like so difficult per se that you had to just always. Just, you know, you had to get up, you had to go to work, you had to come home, you had to look after your family or whatever, and you had to make sure your finances were okay. But now we have more leisure time, we have more time to think about things, and I think that's also causing a lot of anxiety and grief in people and thinking, you know, I think people are just expecting too much, maybe just overthinking it. Yes, overthinking stuff, yeah, overthinking things, it's. It can cause a lot of anxiety, because people are who they are.

Speaker 1: 3:43

You might be with somebody that does have his or her limits, and they don't. They're not always empathetic and they're not always the kindest and they're not always ready to listen to your every achievement and, yay, well done you. Sometimes they're just tired and they can't be bothered and you know they're just they're in their own heads a lot. They're in their own heads a lot. And what is it? You know? I think that's something, you know, that we really all have to think about, and something that we, as therapist, but also as people who have been in long-term relationships, we have the experience to know that. You know, when we're talking about getting real. This is what reality is like. They're not always like that.

Speaker 1: 4:36

I mean, I have been together with my husband now for 39 years and you too you've been with him, but for for so long and we know that what relationships are like, we know they can be. There can be many moments. I think you grow together, don't you? In a successful relationships, you grow together, you grow to understand each other, you grow to respect each other. I think respect is very important and putting yourself in their shoes and vice versa, we hope they put themselves in your shoes as well. Yes, yeah, you do, but it's not always like that.

Speaker 1: 5:10

No, I mean in my own personal relationship, many times throughout my life I've thought God, I wish he was more empathetic, or why can't he say the right things? You know now, the right thing to say to me now is okay. And or just give me a hug, just understand, and I need a hug, but he just doesn't know. So now I've come to learn. I say, look, in this circumstance I mean I just said that to him last night I said, in this circumstance, I just need you to say, okay, everything's gonna be okay, to be okay. And then he said to me how do I know if everything's going to be okay? I go, I know, but I just want you to say that to me and just be like protective and just give me a hug, because that's what I need tonight. But I just had to tell him and then he did it. And I did it makes you feel better.

Speaker 1: 6:01

Yeah, but one thinks, you know, you think, do I have to tell them? Do I have to spell it out? You do have to spell it out sometimes. Sometimes you do, because they just don't get it. They don't get it. They're really not in your head and they don't understand either.

Speaker 1: 6:18

No, no, and people deal with things differently as well. Maybe you know your husband was dealing with it in his own way and he didn't need it. How do you want you to watch tv to calm down, just to, yeah, just to get, yeah, just to get over it, whatever? Yeah, you're right. Yeah, people deal with things differently. So, obviously, if you're the person, if you're the kind of person that needs the other person to be with you, because a lot of people, like when they're going through stuff, they'll just not think about the stuff and just go to work yeah, you know, deal with it completely different, whereas sometimes you don't want that. You want your partner to be there with you and just give you a hug or talk to you, talk it through, where some people for them, talking things through is absolute torture, torture. Yeah, we know that they don't like it and they think, think, no, I don't even want to go there.

Speaker 1: 7:06

So what do you do if you're with somebody that thinks it's torture? Well, you have to. You have to understand them, I think, and understand that for them it is torture exactly. And it's not like they've got something against you in particular or that you know they're not empathetic towards you, but for them it's just. It's just too.

Speaker 1: 7:24

So maybe, like in this case where you asked your husband for a hug, if he gave you a hug and you felt better, but if you had also wanted him to talk with you like your best friend, like me, for two hours about it, he wouldn't have been able to do that because for him that was too much. No, he was literally looking at his phone, just trying to avoid the entire thing. So if you had got really offended because you wanted him to be your best friend and confidant at that time, I would have got upset about it. You would have got really upset, whereas you understood In the past I probably would have. You understood his limits and you understand how he is, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't love you or is not a good person. No, you or is not, you know, a good person. No, it just means that you can't expect everything from one person, from your partner. I know that's exactly the point. I knew that today I'd come and ramble on to you about it, and so it's okay.

Speaker 1: 8:17

So what we're trying to say is that you need different people in your life. You know you can't rely and expect your partner to be just like your absolute best friend and and and be it the all it. You need to have like a whole range of people to talk to, including therapists perhaps sometimes, but also just other people that you know that, like this person I can talk to that about, yeah, that person I do that with, or you know, and and that's like the best thing I think to have like a circle around you, a community, more like, perhaps, what you were saying we would have in the past. Exactly we would have in the past. But what we had in the past wasn't ideal either. No, it wasn't.

Speaker 1: 9:03

We have to look for new ways of creating community, but not expecting everything from one person, like because I think, like modern love has kind of gone towards that way where we, we do expect our partners, our husbands, our lovers, whatever, to be the one person, just one person, all the time. Super romantic, too much everything, yeah, it's just too much, and the reality is not like that. That is not, and I think we have to keep a little bit of distance as well with our partners, because that's what makes us attracted to each other. If we're with one person for 24 percent of the time, 24 hours on 24, we're not gonna have that like frizz or like, oh, I haven't seen you today. What are you gonna tell me? Yeah, you know, we, we kind of get sick of each other if we're with one person all the time and we're kind of what? If we are because we work with that person? Well, it's very difficult when you work together. So you have to take your own space. If you do work together, I suggest that afterwards, like you go to gym or you divide your roles.

Speaker 1: 10:15

Yeah, that's why, when you know, when we were all confined in the pandemic years ago, we had to put so many people left each other. There was something you know. Yeah, you're right, people just couldn't stand being with each other. Yeah, you know divorce cases. Yeah, yeah, you're right. People just couldn't stand being with each other all that time and expecting so much for each other.

Speaker 1: 10:31

Because we expect we expect our partners to be able to vent to our partners about even just like, how we look. Maybe we're not satisfied with how we look, but then we expect them the next minute to be like super attracted to us and exactly, and oh, that's a good point, oh, you're super sexy, or whatever. You've just been highlighting maybe all the things that you think are defective about yourself. Yes, exactly. So you've been moaning about, like I don't know. Whatever you've been moaning. I think the best thing you know is is you know, not to do those things with your partner at all and maintain like a little bit about how you used to be, that's, that's, that's how when you first met, yes, I would never go, or not like when we would go on dates. I would never go and say, oh, look, how horrible this is, or I've got this spot here or here. I just would keep quiet and just maybe moan to you about it. Oh, my hair looks horrible today.

Speaker 1: 11:32

But we expect now, we expect to be able to tell our partners that, because that's a real relationship, when you can find everything in your partners Exactly, and that's what's considered a real relationship now. But yes, it's real. But you know, how much do we want reality. How much do we also like the dream, the fantasy, the idea. You want them to be highly attracted to you as well, and you want it all, don't you? So you've got to think about that before you know, splitting out all your, what you think are your no goodies. You know your things, yeah, because your partner probably hasn't even noticed those things in you in the first place, and so you're just ranting on about your own things, that you might find your own weaknesses or your own flaws which they haven't even seen. No, they have not seen because they're attracted to you. So you don't, don't put them off, no, and then you're putting them off and then you're like people on a date. You know they would never advise you to go and tell them everything that you don't like about yourself.

Speaker 1: 12:41

Normally you talk and it's a lovely conversation between both of you and you're you're. Normally you're at your best self because you're. You're also quite, you're happy, you're quite funny, you're charismatic, exactly charming. You're charming, so you want to maintain, you know, some of that charm and charisma. Yeah, and you also want it to be real because, of course, you're gonna have your oh, you know you're. You're the days when you're sick and you're not well and you're not looking all for your best. Or when you go through childbirth or whatever. You go through operations, sickness, everything, everything we all go through we're never going to be, you know.

Speaker 1: 13:21

We're not saying you have to be like, you know, like the Stepford Wives or whatever on that film. That would be horrific. You have to be real with your partner. But I think there's real and real. One thing is being real and just being. Yeah, I feel bad today because I'm just showing your true self. No makeup, whatever, you know, just no whatever. No filters. Pyjama day yeah, pyjama, and that's great, that's you know. That that's fine. But another thing is actually picking yourself to bits. This is what we're saying here.

Speaker 1: 13:56

One thing is showing your true self and what you really like. That's normal, you have to be. That's what's lovely about being in a relationship as well. Yeah, that is lovely. Comforting. That's a comforting that they can see you, like what you say, when, whenever, whatever you look, like that's fine and they still love you for it. That's that kind of unconditional love that you get that makes you feel so reassured. Yes, because they're safe and safe. Yes, because you feel, oh, I don't always have to be, like you know, always on show here putting my mask on. I'm my real self. They see me when I laugh, when I'm just quiet, when I don't talk, when I, when I cry, when I have a shower, you know whatever.

Speaker 1: 14:41

But then it's when it's that that's different to you. Know, you pulling yourself apart, and you know, like we know, put it on the nail there, it's that, it's that it's putting yourself apart. It's that self-deprecating thing that. And maybe you can do that with your best friend, because your best friend will just say, oh, never mind, look, I've got it too. But you don't expect your best friend next minute, you know, to be in bed with you and make love to you. So it's a different thing, isn't it? It's a different thing. Your best friend is not going gonna be your sexual partner well, unless they are. But that's a different case. You know that's a different case. And maybe.

Speaker 1: 15:22

And then, if they were, then maybe you shouldn't be doing that either. I don't know, I don't know. No, exactly. Yes, because it's not, no matter what people say. It's not a yes Because it's not no matter what people say. It's not a turn on, it's not.

Speaker 1: 15:38

I would not like if my husband comes around to say, oh, look, I put on five kilos here and I feel really fat or I feel old, or I feel that, oh, come on, you know, I don't really want to hear that and it's okay if he says it. Sometimes, you know, he might say, oh, I want to work on this and I've got to lose that. But it's not like saying, oh, I'm in a terrible state, aren't? I look at me? No, no, because then those words, whether you want and I think, unfortunately, I think men are more used to hearing that from women, and you know women aren't as used to because men seem to be more confident. They seem to be on the surface. They're probably not in there. No, they're not, but they seem to. But they're not as chatty as we are, according to some. Yeah, some some are very chatty, but yes, they're not. I think it's not that they're not as chatty, they're not so used to this self-deprecation that we're, you know, a lot of women are used to, and this constant high, you know, perfection, that if they, you know, demanded from exactly, exactly, you know, from women, and women feel it more perhaps like what you were saying yeah, yeah, so yeah, I mean yeah, and I think watch out for that, watch out for that.

Speaker 1: 17:03

Obviously it's really good that if your partner is your best friend as well, but obviously if they're your partner as well, you've always said, like your husband's your best friend. I think he used to be more than now. Really, yeah, when I first met him Now I wouldn't really consider him my best friend anymore. I mean, he's my best friend, but it's not what you say. There's certain things you keep.

Speaker 1: 17:27

I think, to have such a relationship that goes on for so long, you have to keep some of the flirtiness. So I would be your best friend. You have to keep some of the flirtiness, some of the I'm not going to reveal every single thing to you, because otherwise what mystery is there? There's nothing. I mean, if we have to be with someone and be faithful to them for so many, many years and still be really attracted to them, I think we have to keep. I think that's what makes a relationship work.

Speaker 1: 17:59

Personally, but obviously everybody's different, but for me it's like I would not definitely not confide in my husband in the same way as I confide with you. No, I wouldn't either, I know. No, but I mean, for a start, he's not even interested. Well, because of that as well. Yeah, I mean, I can see he just literally would just look at his phone or just, you know, be reading sports or something, and so he's just not interested. And so I know that, I know that, and I'm not going to get more than that off him. No, because before, when we first met, I would expect him to go round the shops with me and look at things. But now I've just I suppose I've matured and I've grown up and I know he's not interested in that. And why am I going to put him through that poor thing? I feel sorry for him.

Speaker 1: 18:45

Yeah, it's true, when you first start off, you do expect more things like that. You know off you do expect more things like that. You know they do. You know you. I remember doing things like that, taking him shopping and expecting your husband to expect you to go around with him. He still wants that gosh, he's very demanding about that.

Speaker 1: 19:02

Yeah, when we go shopping, it's all about him looking. I mean, I don't know, because this is an Italian man thing, but it's all about looking. He goes straight to the men's shop. He's so interested in it. In the end, yeah, I see something and he's just like, oh, hang on a minute, let's go into that shop. So I just know, when I go shopping with him, it's basically all about him. So I just leave him and say, okay, this is like when we go shopping together it's about you. And when we go shopping me and and Viol, then I know I'll buy my stuff.

Speaker 1: 19:33

Yeah, because when I ask him, do you like this? He says he likes absolutely everything. So he's not much, he's not helpful. Yeah, I say, do you like this? And if anything, he just says like he just wants to go to lingerie shops and things like that. It's like a joke. I go, okay, okay, we'll go to that shop. But then I say, look, do you? What do you think? Let's help me out here. It looks great. Oh, that looks amazing. That looks great. That look great on, it's all great.

Speaker 1: 19:59

So say, bella, he says so, I mean, what can I? Yeah, I can't. You know, I'm happy with that. I'm happy with that image that he has of me and I see it, I see myself in his eyes and it makes me feel good, of course. So, you know, I cannot expect anything else. I do not expect anything else. I know what I'm gonna get from him, more or less.

Speaker 1: 20:27

Sometimes I would like more empathy. I'm trying to teach him, like what I said last night, still after 39 years, I'm still trying to, you know, but this is the evolution. I do not, I do not think it's finished. I it's not static, is it? No, we, we've changed so much throughout the years. I have taught him so much and he has taught me a lot about being, you know, maybe, strong and resilient and stubborn, and so, yeah, we do teach each other things and we do grow, we grow and we grow a lot, and you've grown with your husband as well.

Speaker 1: 21:03

I mean, of course, in this particular case, this is what we have as reference. We do have that as reference, but I do think that it's there's just too many expectations placed on one person today, in today's yes, modern love. It's just too much, and we know this because we, we've read about it and people get bored as well. Yeah, maybe that's why they get bored as well. I never thought about that. So they get bored because they expect too much. Yeah, they get bored, they expect too much. And then afterwards they, um, they start like putting putting their partners down because they don't feel as if they're getting enough from them. But really it's the opposite way around, is that you're demanding too much from them?

Speaker 1: 21:49

Yeah, it's like if you're going on holiday and you're expecting that holiday to be like five star, you're expecting to have the best time of your life and always be super entertained. And the seawater if you're going to the beach, to be the clearest of clear, everything to be perfect, and when you go, you have this expectation. It's so high that any tiny thing you're going to notice it, aren't you? You say, well, I was a bit bored today. Oh, no, there is some seaweed, there is some algae there. I mean, that's natural for them to be some algae, you know. Oh, there's a bit of few pebbles on that beach. Didn't quite like it. Oh, the service in this bar is not that great. Well, you're always picking four. You're looking for things afterwards because your expectations were so high and you expected to have such fun.

Speaker 1: 22:38

So when you go into relationship, keep your expectations at a decent level. You know of self-worth and you're expecting, like you do expect when you go on a holiday to have a clean room and everything to be lovely. Why not? Yes, I mean yeah, like what you say, you keep them at a good level, of high standard, because you deserve high standard. You don't, you know, don't be in relationships that way where you can really obviously see that your partner he does not, they're not treating you. You know you want to be treated the way you're, or puts you down. Oh goodness me, no. But then, you know, let's allow for a few. Let's allow for more in our lives, so more friendships and more people to support us in different ways. Exactly, that's it. That really is it our lives so more friendships and more people that to support us in different ways. Exactly, that's it. That really is it.

Speaker 1: 23:33

What are your thoughts? Are you, have you been in long-term relationships? Are you looking for a partner? Maybe this will make you think about you know how you're going about looking for a partner and what you're expecting from them, because when we first meet people, we don't really know anything about them, do we no, so it's a clean slate. So let us know what you think and please do come and say hi on instagram, on our podcast is also on youtube and you can get the video version on youtube as well as as well as the original podcast version. So you've got both of them. So come and say hi and we love and appreciate all the support you give us. So thank've got both of them. So come and say hi and we love and appreciate all the support you give us. So thank you very much. Thank you so much. Lots of love from the English sisters. Bye.