Get Real With The English Sisters - Mind Health Anxiety
Feeling Anxious? Feel calmer and get much needed anxiety relief! Listen to Get Real with The English Sisters the No. 1 podcast show for mental health that will give you anxiety relief leaving you smiling. Anxiety is on the rise and most of us experience it in some form or other. The English Sisters, Violeta and Jutka Zuggo are clinical hypnotherapists, business women, authors, wives and mother’s of wonderful grown up children! As hosts of their show they chat about real stuff that empowers, excites and inspires well-being! Always looking to share their point of view and expertise on how you can manage your anxiety and mental health so as to enjoy life! Sharing their experiences to help you live a calmer, happier, fuller and more relaxed life. If you are in need of anxiety relief and want to learn how to manage your mental health, follow Get Real With The English Sisters - Mind Health Anxiety so as not to miss an episode! New episode weekly every Wednesday!
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Get Real With The English Sisters - Mind Health Anxiety
Overcoming Miscommunication and Defensiveness in Relationships
Unlock the secrets to transforming your relationships with clear communication and empathy. Ever wondered why miscommunication and defensiveness often spiral into misunderstandings and resentment? Join us for an insightful exploration on Get Real with the English Sisters as we unravel the complexities of these dynamics. We promise you'll discover how expressing personal feelings and desires can prevent emotional blackmail and foster deeper connections, whether in your romantic life or professional interactions.
Through relatable scenarios like inviting a partner to a work event, we dissect how implied expectations can wreak havoc and how effective strategies can break negative patterns. Reflecting on past experiences, including the emotional toll of feeling unappreciated despite giving your all, we offer practical advice on using "I" statements and avoiding generalizations. By cultivating self-awareness and understanding the underlying emotions of fear and vulnerability, you'll learn how to navigate feedback and defensiveness, fostering stronger, more empathetic relationships. Tune in for these vital insights that can transform how you communicate and connect with others.
Hypnotherapy coaching sessions can help if you are struggling with anxiety. Please email us at englishsisters@gmail.com if you would like help with an issue, mentioning this episode of our podcast for a special discounted rate. We work with clients worldwide over Zoom or Skype. Buy our Book Stress Free in Three Minutes available on Amazon and Kindle, to help support our work. Thank you!
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about miscommunication in relationships and getting defensive. Yeah, I mean, you know what we mean if you're one of those people that tends to always get immediately on the defensive when your partner says something to you especially in romantic relationships, I think, but it can apply to any area. I do think so also at work. So, say, for the supervisor or boss says something, you said no, I didn't do that. No, it wasn't like that. Yes, no, not me, not I, not I. Exactly that's what we're going to be talking about in this week's episode of Get Real with the English Sisters, with Yoleta and Jutka Zugo. Hello everyone, hello, it's a pleasure to have you with us today and, yes, this is what we're going to be chatting about. I know, I think miscommunication in relationships is a biggie. It definitely is a biggie, and it's really hard to communicate with somebody that tends to put a wall up, especially when you're trying to say something like you know.
Speaker 1:Say that you've got, uh, for example let's make a few examples here you've got a party at work, yes, and you want your partner to come with you. Yeah, because all the other partners are going girlfriends, boyfriends, wives, whatever, are going to be there. So you ask them if you want. You say well, do you know, can you come and come with me on friday? We've got a thing, we've got an event, we've got a party, we've got a party. And the answer, you know, is no, I don't want to come, i'm'm not coming. And then you, you know, obviously, when you ask somebody and they just immediately say no, yeah, but I think when you ask someone, do you want to come with me on Friday, it kind of implies that you want them to come. Exactly, there's an implication there saying yes, please do come, yes, and then when you don't come, what happens? Well, you get angry, the other person gets angry, the one that's asked gets angry, and the other one gets defensive and fearful. And so there is, it's not, there is a miscommunication. It's not black and white. It's tricky, isn't it? Because when you do ask somebody, especially if you just say, hey, everyone else is going, all the other people are, you know, partners are going to that party. Do you want to come along, I think you're not expressing how much you really want that person to come. You're making it sound more casual than perhaps it actually is. Yeah, I don't know, maybe you don't want to put pressure on the other person.
Speaker 1:Wouldn't it be better if you said we've got this thing at work on friday night and everyone's going and I really, really would love if you would come, if you're available, if you're not doing anything, but really you know they're not doing anything anyways because you're with them? The thing is the that that is like the kind of best way to say something like that, because you actually use the I, you know, when you use I, I really want you to come. I would really love it if you came. I wouldn't perhaps feel lonely if you were there. Yeah, I would feel supported and I would love to be able to show you to my you know, show you off kind of thing you know to present you to my colleagues in know, show you off kind of thing you know to present you to my colleagues. In that way, you are very much expressing how you feel and then and your vulnerabilities, how you don't really want to go on your own.
Speaker 1:But the same thing, if the partner really doesn't want to go, they have to say look, I don't, you know, I don't feel comfortable. Yes, I don't want to be shown off to your colleagues, I don't want to go to that thing. I'm really shy. I don't want it. Please understand my point of view. This is kind of like the perfect way. I really love you and I really want you to be able to enjoy yourself there, but I really can't, I don't feel comfortable enough to go because, exactly, you know, whatever the reason is, yes with it, and so then you can both have empathy for each other, can't you? And you can both put yourself in each other's shoes and understand, yes, exactly, instead of just going to the oh I hate you because you're not coming.
Speaker 1:Well, what happens is that you might not immediately think you hate them I mean, you don't hate them but what happens is that resentment starts to build and that's kind of like that's even worse than hate, really, because it's more long lasting and it's profound and it can, it can wear away at your relationship, can't it? Yes, yes, it can. Whereas if you just have a burst of hate oh, I hate you, you know then you kind of like get it over with hate, oh, I hate you, you know. Then you kind of like get it over with, and you know. But when you shut down and you think, all right, I'm gonna put this in my like, I'm gonna take note of this. Yes, time you ask me to do something, I'm not gonna come, exactly yes. Then it becomes like emotional blackmail. It starts to get like that, doesn't it? Yeah, it starts to get. Yeah, exactly. That's the resentment that can become rather insidious and dangerous in any kind of relationship, yeah, but especially in a loved one. I think you know, would you know?
Speaker 1:You really want to try and avoid this and um, I think self-awareness once again comes into play. A lot, doesn't it? You have to be self-aware to everything in life. If you're self-aware, you've you kind of know how you're going to react to things. Yes, no. If you're asking yourself the question, you know, am I being fair? Am I asking this in the right way? You're already self-aware. You're already doing a good job, yeah, and you're thinking about the other person, because nothing's ever black and white when you say something to someone, they have all these other things in their head. You can't be in their minds or in their heads of what's going on in their heads. No, you can't. I mean it's and it's. This.
Speaker 1:Defensiveness comes up in everybody, I think. But the more self-aware you are, the more you'll realize it. When you start feeling defensive, you'll know that what you're really feeling is fear. Yeah, you are actually feeling afraid and when you're feeling afraid, you're gonna. You know, the cortisol and the fight and flight response is going to be active inside your body, so you can't really think clearly. No, so I think.
Speaker 1:No, I was thinking of someone at work as well, a situation that I'd heard about the um, the, the two colleagues weren't getting on well, yeah, and one of them, every time someone the other person sent the email or, uh, said something, that the person would get defensive and think I didn't do that, it was me, or just think the other person was really, you know, attacking them and being a really bad person, when really they were just misreading everything that the other person was saying. It was just total miscommunication and it ended up being there was a huge conflict in the office and it wasn't good. No, it's not good and really it's a shame. Really it's a shame, because none of it was real. Really, it's a bit like worry when you worry about things that never happen. It's not a real thing, it's something that we're imagining in our minds and we're putting that on to the other person and saying that they're feeling like that when really they're not. They're not.
Speaker 1:I mean, being able to be open to criticism and feedback is a skill. It's not something we'll all learn. Really, you know, really quickly. You know there are those staff meetings when they say, now we're going to discuss your performance, and they can be scary because you think, yikes, you know, now they're going to discuss how I am actually, you know, coping with this work situation. They're scary, but in the end, if you learn not to feel fear and you feel confident that you are worthy and you are supposed to be exactly where you are, whether it's in a relationship or even at work in that position, then you're going to be okay.
Speaker 1:You can accept that criticism, you can learn from it. You don't have to call it criticism. It's feedback. Feedback, yes, it's exactly. Yes, you can think of it as you don't have to take it personal, as it's a personal attack on yourself. You just think this is feedback that I'm going to learn from and I'll be flexible and really the person that's you know it's kind of positive. Yeah, it's supposed to be a positive thing. Positive criticism, yeah, positive feedback. It's whatever it is.
Speaker 1:It's you have to because it might you know, it might not feel that way when it's being directed at you and you might just if you, if you think about it, you're going to start taking it completely personally and and people will say don't take this personally. And that's when you take it even more personally and that's when you think, oh, my goodness, you know, this is definitely personal, but they might be just saying, look, don't take this personally, but I think you need a little bit more training because you haven't really acquired the skills I think you need for this particular job that you're doing. But that doesn't mean that they're going to get rid of you or sack you or you know. That just means I think you should. I think why don't we put you on this course? And you can do this and you know, improve, yeah, so being able to be open to that and just say, oh, if they say don't take it personally, I won't, yeah, so maybe you can ask so what can I do then to you know to do better tomorrow or whatever, instead of thinking it's a personal attack on you? I mean, the people that are the most successful are the ones that can accept this feedback, feedback the most. Yes, yes, that is so, and not take it personally. Not, I know it's very difficult, but it's a skill, like what you, it is definitely a skill.
Speaker 1:Learn, yes, you can learn to just sit back and say, hey, I'm going to just receive everything you're giving me and I will, without immediately saying, no, that's, that's not true. Like saying, well, you, you're very slow at responding to clients, for example, and you immediately think that's not true. I always answer everybody, you know. Try and just take a moment, you know, take a deep breath and perhaps think, well, how could I perhaps answer, you know, the clients in a more effective way? Maybe I feel as if I'm answering all my clients, but what I'm doing is I'm focusing on one particularly difficult one and I might be leaving the others behind without realizing it. So try, and you know, be open to this criticism and try and think about it that way, you know, without being immediately thinking that's not true, yeah or otherwise, just keep an open mind and just say, okay then, yeah, maybe you, you're absolutely right.
Speaker 1:I do struggle with this. Could we maybe, uh, assign someone else to answering, you know, the queries and I'll deal with this, because I feel a bit overwhelmed at the moment. There's really too much that I'm doing. Yeah, yeah, that's also an option. You can also be honest. If you can use that time you have to, yeah, read the room and see what you know, what your work environment is like. But you'll be surprised how, how open people are when, when you actually express your concerns and your fears.
Speaker 1:Yes, so much, because most people do want to help and they do want to keep you there really because they've invested time and money into you. So if you're working for a business, they want you to be there. They don't really want to get rid of you. Otherwise it would be a completely different meeting. Yes, so just try and think about it like that, you know. Try and think they want me here, really want to get rid of you, otherwise it would be a completely different meeting. Yes, so if you're, just try and think about it like that, you know, try and think they want me here and they're, they're just giving me feedback and if you really feel defensive, you know best not to say anything at all at that moment. Keep quiet, yeah, keep quiet. Try and take a deep breath, you know. Try not to um. You know to break down too much.
Speaker 1:I know that when I was younger, I've been in that position and I just wanted to cry, and I felt so attacked, yeah, so attacked, because I felt like I was doing my so much to help. You know, when I used to be an air hostess, you know, and then I would get that kind of feedback saying that I wasn't performing well or I wasn't. I thought, look, I've been literally, you know, giving everything to these passengers and I just, you know, would just feel teary. So I've been in that position and I know that when you're like in your 20s, it's tough. Yeah, and I think a lot of people like in in jobs like that, a lot of them have just got this checklist that they're reading off anyway.
Speaker 1:Oh, yeah, people that are interviewing you or monitoring you, they're checking your performance, they just it's just a standard checklist, so you can just say thank you at the end and I'll do better next time. Yes, you can, I will improve. Yeah, I'll do my best to improve, and you just have to have the knowledge. That's what's going on, because you might not have it. You don't have to take it personally. No, you don't. No, I mean, it's difficult. It is difficult though, yes, because you're giving these numbers and your performance and everything, but yeah, I mean, let you just think there's life is bigger than than where you're working or your relationship or anything. So just put things into perspective as well. Yeah, it's not. It's not such a big deal in the end.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and what about if somebody like at home, you know, if we go back on to you, know a love relationship, for example, and somebody says that I feel like you never really listen to me, and then you know, the other person gets defensive immediately. That's not true. I always listen to you. I always listen to you. No, you don't, because you've got your headphones on and you're looking at your phone and you're not even looking at me, but then the other person gets defensive once again. I know, I'm taking my headphones off. I'm actually listening to you. What do you want to talk about? We're always listening. You're listening to me, but you're not hearing what I'm saying. Right, and that would make the other person once again defensive. Yeah, you're not. I I do. What do you mean? You're not hearing what I'm saying?
Speaker 1:You can go around in circles in a never-ending loop that causes resentment, causes. So what do you do to break the pattern? You have to maybe invite the person on a date, yeah, and then talk about it calmly on the day and just think and just say how you feel. I know you think you're listening. I know you say that you're not even think. I know you say you're listening to me, but I do not feel as I don't feel as if I've heard, because every time I tell you to do this, you don't do it. For example, yeah, that's a valid example. Yeah, and that would get the other person nervous saying what do you mean? I do do it because they go on the defensive. Yeah, so it's, it's difficult, it's difficult and, once again, it's it's. It's having a lot of empathy and I think if you are in a relationship with somebody that's defensive, if you look at them and you can see they're getting defensive, you can think that they're actually feeling frightened and that might help you. You're thinking, wow, they're actually fearful. Now they're not just being a jerk, they're actually feeling an emotion of feeling afraid. And you might think that's not true, they're just being mean and, yes, it might appear as being mean and nasty and as if they don't care, but they're, they're feeling attacked.
Speaker 1:No matter what, you never do the laundry, you know, using words like never. You know always, you're always a slob. You're always I don't know late. You're not reliable things. I can never rely on you. You know, things like that can be when it becomes, when you, if you become, if you start to generalize you never, I, never. That's what I wanted to get to. That's a bad thing. It's not a good thing. No, if you have a bone to pick, like what I say, yes, you've got a bone to pick you pick bone to pick. Like what I say, yes, you've got a bone to pick you pick it and you say, look, this morning, when you left the toilet seat out, we'll go to the seat, and you left your clothes all over the floor.
Speaker 1:It really upset me because I was in a real rush and you know that I really I really want the house to look nice before I leave for work in the morning, and so I felt as if I had to. I know I didn't have to, but I felt for my own peace of mind. I felt that I had to go and pick your clothes up and tidy up after you and I know you didn't ask me to do that and I know maybe you were in a rush, but that really that upset me because I felt that you didn't consider my feelings, because you know what I'm like. You know I get upset if I, if you leave things on the floor and maybe you can have a more a conversation like that about how it makes you feel when they do something particular but specific. That's a brilliant example, because you've used all I, I, I, I and then never, never, once, did you say things like you are so messy, you're such a slob, yeah, I, you know, you always do this to me. Um, you know all of these accusations and you empathize. You're a pink. Maybe, I know you might have been in a rush as well. You might not realize. You communicated perfectly. So I think if somebody you know this has just made me think about it's really useful with your kids as well. What would the partner would just say I'm so sorry, darling, I didn't realise that it had such an effect on you.
Speaker 1:Well, it's difficult to be defensive after you've explained it in such a way. You know, the only thing you can do is you did not attack. For example, if you were talking to me, you didn't attack me. You didn't say I was messy. You didn't say I was. You know, always like this. You said I, I feel upset, I feel and I don't know what you said, but I understood all of it because I can't remember it now, but it the general thing was that this was like something that made you feel sad, upset and uncomfortable and, although it wasn't necessary for the house to be perfect before you left to work, you really want it to be that way because it makes gives you peace of mind to know that the house is like that so.
Speaker 1:So I feel as if I can do that I could give you peace of mind. You know, after all, we're in a loving relationship. Why wouldn't I want my partner, the person I've decided to live with, to have peace of mind? It's not that I necessarily want to hurt that person.
Speaker 1:For me, things like this are not important for the partner. You know they just things happen, they rush around, and maybe if you have got a partner that really is like that, that never does tidy up after them, maybe you can say look, I know for you it's really difficult for you to tidy up after yourself because I know it's not one of your priorities. So, hey, what we can do is I'll tidy up after you when I see and maybe you can do something else. So maybe you can do something else. So maybe you can go and put petrol in my car or I don't know, do something else for me, something that you find difficult, yeah, I find. Or maybe you can go to the supermarket for us and get that, and that you can assign a different task to that person, so that the conflict is just like at work, so that maybe that person really not not, you know, not suited to that kind of stuff.
Speaker 1:They just don't see it, they don't think, they don't think it's important. Yeah, I mean they, they just don't, they just don't see it. Yeah, anyway, that's enough for today. Let us know what you think. Do you get defensive in relationships as your partner, or maybe at work, you have a colleague that always gets defensive when you're just trying to say, hey, that's dangerous. Please don't do that. You know what's going on in your world. Let us know. And please do come and visit us on YouTube too, where you can see the video, and please do leave a review on Apple Podcasts, because it really does help the podcast grow and we really do appreciate you, really. Really do Come and see us on Instagram as well. Say hi, get real with the English sisters on Instagram. Bye, bye, bye. Lots of love.
