Get Real With The English Sisters - Mind Health Anxiety

The Art of Meddling: Transforming Interference into Connection

The English Sisters - Violeta & Jutka Zuggo Episode 147

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Ever found yourself tangled in the web of meddling, either as the meddler or the one meddled with? We kick off with some personal stories that put us in both roles, shedding light on how meddling impacts relationships, often in unexpected ways. We explore cultural nuances through popular references like "The Meddler" and "Ted Lasso," and recount a memorable tale of being wrongly accused of neglecting a loved one by a neighbor, illustrating how meddling can sometimes lead to misunderstandings and gossip.

The episode also uncovers the surprising benefits meddling can offer. From the seemingly intrusive yet ultimately supportive neighbors, akin to characters in "A Man Called Otto," to the complexities of social media interactions, we explore how genuine outreach can mask the illusion of help online. Our discussion highlights how the people we might initially overlook can become vital supports in our community, enriching our lives and fostering meaningful connections when meddling is driven by goodwill.

Finally, we navigate the often amusing yet challenging waters of family meddling, particularly focusing on those well-meaning yet occasionally pesky relatives like aunties. Through open and humorous reflections, we suggest how these dynamics can be transformed into positive and mutually beneficial relationships. Encouraging listeners to share their own experiences, we promote embracing these connections with warmth and humor as we journey through the intricate dance of meddling in our everyday lives. Join us for a lighthearted yet insightful exploration of this common social phenomenon.

Hypnotherapy coaching sessions can help if you are struggling with anxiety.  Please email us at englishsisters@gmail.com if you would like help with an issue, mentioning this episode of our podcast for a special discounted rate. We work with clients worldwide over Zoom or Skype. Buy our Book Stress Free in Three Minutes available on Amazon and Kindle, to help support our work. Thank you!

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Speaker 1:

minding your own business. Yeah, I mean, that's very typical, isn't it? Yeah, mind your own business, you know. Don't, don't interfere in other people's lives. Yeah, you know, watch boundaries. Yeah, nobody wants a busy boss. You do no, somebody who's always. You know, meddling.

Speaker 1:

But today we're actually going to discuss, you know, the potential benefits and negative aspects of meddling and we're going to get into the nitty gritty of it. Yeah, and I'm going to tell you about some personal stories of where we've been the meddlers. We've been the meddlers indeed, and maybe when we've been on the receiving side of meddling too, which has not been as pleasant, when it's when, when it's not in the best interest. Yes, I think so, because there's meddling and there's meddling, but you know, generally anyway. So that's what we've been talking about in this week's episode of Get Real with the English Sisters. Thank you for leaving us a review on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. We very much appreciate it. It helps us grow. Yeah, meddling, meddling, meddling.

Speaker 1:

Who of you has watched the Meddler? I know the film. I did enjoy that film Susan Sarandon. Yeah, yeah, I might watch it again now because I watched it a while back. So did I. You know, I remember that. You know that she had recently lost her husband, and then there's a whole series you know of events that happens and she moves to be close to her daughter yeah, you know. And then her daughter doesn't want her to be close to her, and you know, the whole trauma of the film is quite interesting though in the end, isn't it? And I also think she does help a lot of people. Yes, she does.

Speaker 1:

I'm always thinking how different cultures as well. They don't think of it as meddling. Oh, definitely. And I also brought to mind that programmer, ted Lasso, which he comes from America. Do you remember the one? I don't know if you actually watched it? I did. No, no, I watched all of it because you told me to watch it.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and he's much of a meddler, is he? I can't remember it now. He's always getting into everybody's life. Really, he asks questions. I remember he brings the cakes. Yeah, he, he asks questions. I remember he brings the cake.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, he, yeah, he does. Yeah, because it's a different kind of culture though, isn't it? Once again, he, he's an american football coach and he comes to coach a british yes, an english football team, and of course, they have very different boundaries and expectations and you know, and, and it is quite you know, the British are very reserved, sometimes not all of them, depending. Yeah, it's very cosmopolitan. It is actually, yeah, depends where you're from. Yeah, yeah, because if you go further up north in England, they're like super friendly and yeah, it's everything's hello, love. It's really sweet. You know, you can get in a taxi and somebody will just randomly call you love, which is so endearing. And even in London as well, that can happen. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1:

But I mean I remembered when, um, when we were on the side of like negative meddling when do you remember when, um, mum was, um, she went to, she went to tell a neighbour or something that she wasn't seeing enough of us, but she was seeing us every day. Oh dear, that was horrible. We got told off by the neighbour and then, when we saw this neighbour, she came out shouting and screaming what are you doing to your mum? You're not looking after her. You're wicked children. We really did get a telling off there. I mean, we were fully grown adults, by the way, and we would had all our own families etc. And we were taking care of our mom because you know, we would go and see her frequently every day. You would see her every day. Yeah, I was flying around, working, so I saw little bit less, but it's not like we were definitely not ignoring her. And yeah, we did get told off by this. I'll never forget that. No, because it was like, really, it was like really not, it wasn't nice because you think people are sort of meddling and gossiping about us, saying these bad things about us. Yeah, but that's not true. Yes, that wasn't nice at all. No, yeah, it's not true. Yes, that wasn't nice at all. No, no, that was horrible because we were just attacked literally. We were just entering our parents home and then we were just literally attacked by this neighbor.

Speaker 1:

This was in Italy, where, where the meddling is very common and and sometimes it's very useful as well, you know. But do you remember when you moved in with your boyfriend at the time? Yeah, his mum would come and meddle every day. Oh my god, I can't stand that day. Go and bring him underwear and things. It was so weird. Yeah, so that was just a different culture, though I mean, she thought he was like still her baby. He was 28 and I saw him as this enormous you know, not enormous, I saw him as obviously he was my boyfriend, he was a fully grown adult. I was thinking why is your mom coming every day to bring us food and, and what is this? She has to buy you underwear, like once a month she would buy him this weird, you know, like these, what is it? Like those white t-shirts, vests yeah, vests, because she said it was getting cold and and it was so odd and I thought what are you doing? You know, this is I felt she was a meddler.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I felt she was very much a meddler. Obviously, I grew to love her tremendously over the years, but at the beginning I really wasn't used to this kind of meddling, even though our mum was Spanish. So you would think I would be. She wouldn't be. She was more reserved. Well, maybe because she didn't have boys, we don't know, but she wouldn't. I think she was more independent. She didn't know, but she didn't know. I don't think it was because she didn't do that for dad either. No, and then not only would she bring him the underwear, she would obviously want to enter the house, then she would like inspect his wardrobe, check the whole house out. She would have her cleaner come to our apartment because I was living with him to our apartment and clean it and and then, sort of like, refer back. I didn't, I didn't like that cleaning lady.

Speaker 1:

I, I, you know this lady because she, she wasn't very kind to me. I, she probably thought you weren't doing your job properly. You're just this little girl, because you were young at the time, I was just like 18 she had no respect for me, exactly as a woman, you know, in those days she didn't think, oh, and yeah, she probably thought this useless child in this house, yeah, she does nothing. I don't know, I, I have no idea, but yeah, it was weird. Yeah, the possessiveness of it all, of course, is this italian mamas with their sons. She was very traditional traditional if anyone out of yeah, and like when she had, when your, your your boyfriend at the time had to have his knee operation as well.

Speaker 1:

Do you remember when you all went together to France? Oh, yeah, we all went off to yeah, all together and you thought this is so much his mum's coming Because he's so old, yeah, but now, looking back, that I'm 57, if I think I have to, you've become one of them. I think I've got two adult sons now. One is 25 and one is 27 I'm not a meddler, because 25 year old lives on his own and I barely ever go and see him or bring him anything. And the 27 year old is still living here for the moment. And but if he had to have, when he had his you know operation, of course I was there, so I can now, as a parent, more, yes, I can definitely understand it more.

Speaker 1:

But, yeah, obviously, when you're younger, yeah, but did your, did your boyfriend at the time? Can you remember if he actually wanted his mum and dad to be there? Well, look, I think his dad drove us anyway because we had to go all the way to France. So, if I think about it, you know, it wasn't really it was like useful. And then his mum, I guess she just wanted to come because her baby boy was being, you know, operated on. So, yeah, I don't know, it was funny For me, it was odd, because I probably thought, because you were young, yeah, I just thought, why are they both coming?

Speaker 1:

You know I could do it, but maybe I couldn't handle it, I don't know. Yeah, you probably would have been okay, I think. So I think I remember you at the time. You just wanted to go alone with him to have like a little romantic holiday out of it? Yeah, probably. Yeah, I honestly can't remember it.

Speaker 1:

But yeah, you know, yeah, but when does meddling become too much? I mean, obviously, I think, if you're, I think you can go the other way. Now, when people don't meddle enough and like with social media, you think you've got like you've already done your bit just by saying, oh, condolences, yeah, I'm sorry, or that's really nice, congratulations, you send a love, but you don't actually go further into into that person's world to see if they really do need any help. Or, yeah, actually getting your hands dirty, has to say, because that is like a sterile environment, isn't it this social media?

Speaker 1:

We, we feel as if we're kind of like helping, but we're not, we're not really. It's different to actually calling the person. Yeah, you know, obviously, on social media a lot of times we don't actually know these people, we just know them like through connections. But when you actually do know somebody, no, but I think on social media and you do need people as well, because sometimes your close family can be on social media or your really close friends I mean, not everyone has. Uh, like we do a business where we know. Obviously, a lot of times it's used for personal use, yes, and but you do still think you've got like, oh, I've done my bit because I've written something on their, on their thing, but you haven't gone that further step.

Speaker 1:

And sometimes, if you do feel that you're like, you're quite a reserved person, like we are, yeah, in general, you feel as if you, if you do pick up the phone, you're like you know you don't vulnerable. You feel vulnerable because you think am I overstepping here? Maybe you know this is not. They just want to be alone. Yeah, they just want to be alone time. Yeah, it's like when you're grieving.

Speaker 1:

How much do you really want somebody to to offer their support? Yeah, and maybe not on the first or second day, but I think afterwards it's quite. It's a comfort to hear somebody else, you know, call you and offer you support. I think it is. It is well, even if you don't like it and you put the phone down, you go off, but afterwards, but afterwards it goes into your mind that people care about you and they're asking about you. Yes, exactly that's it. They're asking how are you, how are you coping? People are just. They care about you because they're thinking of you, because for them to, you know, to take that step of phoning you or whatever, coming around to see you is, you know they're taking time out of their lives, yes, the precious time that they have as well. They've got nothing to do. They're, you know, they're just bored. They're just bored.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, she's a busy, bossy, he's a gossip. Yeah, a gossip, yeah, but then, but how much really is gossip and how much? Look, I've got the example of this next door neighbor at the end of my road. He's never going to listen to this podcast anyway and he, like, when we first moved into this house, he was like the guy that was always walking up and down the road. Honestly, he always seems to be a pensioner. I've been living here for 30 years but I already used to think he was like an old man, a pensioner, because he would try yeah, I don't know, he would walk up and down, up and down the road, up and down the road, as if he had nothing to do. And my husband used to say, oh god, there he is. That's sort of like the busy, the busy, bozzy, the, the meddler, anything we would build, he would say what are you doing? Oh, I've seen there are lorries coming. What are they bringing? Sand, oh, every single time.

Speaker 1:

But then once I remember thinking when I was actually home alone and I had the two children I had them very close, they were both very little and my car suddenly broke down and I thought who's gonna help me now? My car suddenly broke down and I thought who's going to help me now? My husband was like really far away and I honestly thought, ah, the meddler. So I went walking down the road with the two one little one year old and a little two year old and I went and I knocked on his door and I said, oh hi, you know, I'm the lady he goes. Of course I know who you are. And there I was introducing myself.

Speaker 1:

He thought, of course, I know, I know everyone who lives on this road. This is a cul-de-sac. This, this whole, all the houses on this road used to belong to my family. You are the only people that are not my family that have entered this house. And I said, oh, okay, yeah, okay, he goes. Oh, you've got your little children with you. I go, yeah, and I go. Actually my car won't start and like, honestly, in five minutes he said, okay, go back home, take the children back home, I'll be there. And he came along. He came along with those wires to connect the battery and he started it and I thought, oh, my hero, you know he.

Speaker 1:

In that day he became like. Then afterwards I knew what his name was and I thought there you go, somebody who's a classic meddler yeah, honestly always meddling in what we thought he was. But then in the end he really had a reason for doing it, because he was like possessive, he cared about his street, his street. Yeah, he still really cares about it. Like, if sometimes we don't clean the weeds that grow on the side of our house, he'll come along and he'll de-weed it for us. He'll do it. He'll do it Because he cares about the road. It's a bit like the man Called Otto.

Speaker 1:

Now I'm thinking this is another film that has just come up and we're tom hanks, haven't you seen it? Yeah, and he really cares about his road where he lives with all his houses, because he's been there for like years and years. That's actually quite a sad film, because he's always trying to commit suicide because he feels like he's not, he no longer has a reason to live, but in the end he he discovers that so many people actually need him and they all, the all the neighbors, need him desperately. So you need the meddler. So sometimes if you have a meddler in your life, sometimes it's a meddler that really needs you as well. Exactly the meddler might really really need, need you.

Speaker 1:

And I think that day when he saw us, he was so happy. He saw the little babies and he saw them and then I introduced the children and the children afterwards, for the rest of their lives they always know oh, that's janny, he'll help us, janny, and any problem I would have, they would say let's go to Janny. So much so that once my husband was jealous because I said, oh, I'll go and ask Janny if he's got me. Leave Janny alone, don't bother with him, don't bother Janny, I go. I'm just saying you know he's very, very, you know, helpful.

Speaker 1:

I do think it's good to meddle a little. Is that? That's a conclusion of this podcast? Well, if you say, if you consider meddling to be not minding your own business completely, it is good. Because, like, if you, why do you always, if you're always just going down the road saying you see something that's not right happening, do you just stay quiet and just go on, or do you? Just, you know that's what we've been trying to do.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, if you see a woman maybe having you know, you can go over and say you know, uh, would you like to walk with me? Like what they did, a campaign if. If you see a woman walking on her own, you can go and walk beside her in on a bit on a street, like if it's dark at night, oh yeah, and you're another woman. I know how frightening that can be, so there's two of you, so you can like well, like well, you might consider it, oh, that's a bit invasive, but then the other lady might think, oh, thank God, someone else is walking near me. Sometimes you're not trying to, yeah, as long as they're not, you know, yeah, but you can hear she tell, can't you? Of course you can. Yeah, like another group, because they say, yeah, they kind of try and create this culture where you're more like, let's say, girls go on a night out, you're not going to leave one alone, are you? You're going to be looking after everyone, yes, yes. So I think you know the main thing there is if you consider it to be looking after people, and then you can like now, recently, you know what. I think you're right there. You know what? I think you're right. There's enough of this. Mind your own business. There's a bit too much.

Speaker 1:

When I was at the club, I just did a silly thing. They wanted we were going to go to like a dinner and the lady that was at the bar, she was saying would you? You know the serving? The lady that was serving. She said would you want to go to this dinner? Because if you do want to, there might be other things on the menu that you can have, because I didn't like what was on the menu. And she said can I have your phone number? Or is that sorry, is that indiscreet? Sorry, am I meddling and I go? No, no, no, there's no problem. Thanks so much for your help. But you know, she was even worried about meddling.

Speaker 1:

People are so concerned now that it's like overstepping. I'm overstepping because I'm asking for something that might be considered personal, but well, not. If you go down the the little villages here in italy, they're not concerned about that at all. They're all asking, definitely more so. They're all asking about everyone they ask. But do they ask you not personally? That's a problem. I think you know they'll go. It'll be more like gossip. It'll be like saying oh, do you know what's happened with so and so and so. When we go to zagarola, the local village, afterwards they say the english sisters were here, yeah. And then that's so weird they don't actually stop us and say hi, english sisters, or your sisters, why are you dressed the same? They don't do that. No, that's a shame. It would be nicer if it was more direct.

Speaker 1:

Actually, we want more meddling, because that's not really meddling, is it? I think you know it's showing an interest in. It's just like in the film the Meddler with Susan Saradot. In the end she actually that you know her daughter considers her to be the worst busy bozzy ever and she just can't stand her. But other people really love her. They love her because she actually helps him so much. She asks the guy that's this tech guy. She starts asking why are you doing this? Why are you? And she goes with him and she helps him so much. Because she meddles, because you know using the word, because she's interested, because she cares, because she can care, she has enough time and after she loses her husband she needs to be a meddler as well. You know she overly needs all the people's kind of issues to keep her own mind busy, but it's very important, I think, as well.

Speaker 1:

So if you are feeling depressed and you are feeling, you know, not not clinically depressed, but I mean, you know, a bit down and a bit low and you know, maybe it is time to look around and say, let me do some meddling here in a nice way, and take an interest in what's happening around you. Yeah, because it could be with the neighbours as well. You know, you could have neighbours that really need your help. You never know. You never know, yeah, you never really know. Like if you make an extra portion of something and you go and knock on you know your friendly neighbour's door, you really don't know the impact that can actually have. And I know that was at that point. Well, I was watching a documentary. It's so strong, isn't it? That's really powerful With someone who was saying that she was saying that when she was struggling because she was really young, she had a neighbour that was meddling and she would bring her food.

Speaker 1:

And she would bring her food every day and say look, what's wrong with you, you're too skinny. She was like an old lady meddling. She wasn't that old, but she was probably like all right, yeah, we're old. She wasn't like 20 or something. No, no, she was older. She like 20 or something. No, she was older. She had a family, a mature woman and she knew that she could see. But I mean, obviously she was like you're too skinny. She was very direct.

Speaker 1:

Yes, in the end, this you know, it helped. He said it helped me so much. Go through that terrible time. There you go because I wouldn't eat, because I was upset and I didn't eat and I wasn't looking after myself properly. And the neighbor could tell. And the neighbor could tell, and she helped me through it. And I didn't eat and I wasn't looking after myself properly. And the neighbor could tell. And the neighbor could tell, and she helped me through it. And I didn't have enough money. She didn't have enough money to buy herself a food. There you go.

Speaker 1:

Sometimes you just really don't know the impact you can have on other people's lives and by keeping yourself closed into your little you know your life and your own problems you're not allowing your yourself to have a richer life. Yeah, so richer and more fulfilling. So, yes, so we're not saying turn to you know the worst kind of nosy you read body language like the one there that the club that she was meddling. But she said am I being discreet? We said no, of course not. So you, she could. She could tell that there was part of her that was a little bit of a meddler, that was maybe overstepping.

Speaker 1:

She is a tiny bit, yeah, yeah, she reminds me of one of our aunties and, but it's so cute and sweet. It is cute and sweet and it can be very annoying at times, but I think that you know, like everyone's got these sometimes you can have these aunties are meddlers, you know, in each family. I think the more annoying you find it, the more you have to ask yourself is it because I really need it? Is it because I need it or maybe they need it? Is there a reason why auntie's always phoning me? Maybe she's feeling lonely, maybe in, but by allowing you know myself to accept and and uh and give her some truths about me and uh say you know she can also feel better about herself.

Speaker 1:

So it's like it's a two-way thing. It's definitely a two-way thing. So much, yeah, two-way, absolutely. So let us know if you have a meddler in your life, or perhaps you're the meddler, and let us know what you think on YouTube or on socials. Come and see us on Instagram and say hi and what else? We're going gonna go and do some meddling? No, no, we're not. That'd be good love and smiles from the english sisters. Bye for now, bye.

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