Unlocking Effective Communication: Navigating Misunderstandings and Building Empathy

Have you ever found yourself trapped in a misunderstanding, even when you and the other person seem to be on the same page? Miscommunication in interpersonal relationships can be complex, and this episode unpacks how differing communication styles—auditory, kinesthetic, or visual—play a role. By sharing personal anecdotes, including a compelling Reddit tale, we illustrate how these diverse styles can lead to unexpected conflicts and how recognizing them can nurture healthier connections both personally and professionally.

Listening is an art, and enhancing communication requires emotional management and an openness to interpret unspoken needs. Take a breath, place your tongue on the roof of your mouth, and prepare to transform your interactions. We talk about the dynamics of long-term relationships and how familiarity breeds assumptions. Through relatable stories, we emphasize the power of active listening and understanding the emotions behind words, helping you become more mindful and intuitive in your conversations.

Empathy is the cornerstone of effective communication, allowing us to glimpse beyond immediate frustrations to see the challenges others face. This episode explores how fostering patience and understanding can empower those around us, strengthening our bonds and supporting mutual growth. Join us as we discuss strategies for setting healthy boundaries, offering support, and spreading love and positivity in every interaction. Connect with us on social media to keep the conversation going and join our community in creating a world where everyone feels heard and understood.

Hypnotherapy coaching sessions can help if you are struggling with anxiety.  Please email us at englishsisters@gmail.com if you would like help with an issue, mentioning this episode of our podcast for a special discounted rate. We work with clients worldwide over Zoom. Buy our Book Stress Free in Three Minutes available on Amazon and Kindle, to help support our work. Thank you!

Love and smiles from The English Sisters.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Miscommunication in Interpersonal Relationships
• 3:30 Enhancing Communication in Relationships
• 16:04 Understanding Unspoken Communication in Relationships
• 23:57 Empathy in Communication

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

You know how sometimes we're trying to say something to someone else and they say look, you're not getting it, you're not listening, you're not understanding, you're not getting it. Yeah, sometimes it is because communication does come in so many different forms as to say that we misinterpret often or we're actually both saying the same thing, but we're not understanding each other. Yeah, and we're not like what you would say, clicking or vibing, you're not on the same brain wave, but really it's because you're not communicating the same way the other person is, and that is what we're going to be talking about in this week's episode of Get Real With the English Sisters. Is what we're going to be talking about in this week's episode of get real with the english sisters. I mean, we communicate. Some people say I feel you. Some people say I hear what you're saying. We have in our bodies, we have these representative systems that you know are either through touch or hearing, or feeling or feeling. Yeah. So sometimes we're saying I, I hear you, but if that other, if the person isn't like a person that you know that he is, that's auditory. Yes, as we say, they're not going to get you where, they're not going to understand what you're saying, whereas if you say I really feel what you're going through, oh, you mean by using certain words, yes, well, the language we use affects people in different ways.

Speaker 1: 1:33

Absolutely, I was thinking about my husband and his brother the other day. Yeah, they both started talking. Basically, they were both saying the same thing, but they were started raising their voices because both of them thought that the other one was saying something else, and they were, basically, I could see it, for, as you know, I was just listening as an outsider and I was thinking what they're both? They're both basically on the same page. What's going on here? They're agreeing, and they were, in the end, they started getting louder and louder, you know, and in the end, they started getting louder and louder, you know, and in the end, they were just literally barking at each other and I thought what on earth you're both saying the same thing. Hang on a second, you know. Take a moment to, you know, to chill, sit down again. Because they both stood up. I did and I thought, you know, my husband was about to leave, because they were in the office environment, he was about to leave, and I thought, oh my gosh, I stayed seated. Yeah, so as to my communication was yes, look, I'm still sitting here even though you've got. I'm supposed to be going with you in the car because we had one car, but I just stayed seated so that he could understand that. I think you know things were okay and I really wanted them to sort it out. Whatever it was, it was about business this time, but they were both saying the same thing.

Speaker 1: 2:53

It's shocking, isn't it? Just in different ways, yes, and it was shocking how many of the times this can actually happen when you're both saying the same thing. This can happen in you know relationships as well. You just really both of you are basically saying the same thing. It's like you say you're not listening to me, but at the same time, the other person thinks that you're not listening to them. So there, do you understand? Yes, you're not listening to each other, you're not hearing, you're not feeling me.

Speaker 1: 3:30

But I think that if sometimes as well, when you start getting agitated or like a little irate or angry, it can stop you actually hearing what the other person's actually saying. Yes, so you actually go like on your own little soapbox without realizing what the other person is trying to tell you. So sometimes, if you just take a deep breath and you just say, okay, I'm just going to listen to that person for five minutes and see what they have to say and then I'll talk. Do you know what I do? Sometimes, if I really want to talk and I'm really quite agitated, I actually put my tongue on the top of my of my mouth and and then it sort of like quietens me. I think you're saying bite it? No, no, I don't bite it, I just make sure that my tongue touches the roof of my mouth. That's what I want the roof and then I just like stay quiet. Yes, it quietens you. I don't want it to quiet me now because I'm doing a verbal podcast, but you know, but if you try it, you know, you just actually touch the roof. You know, then I can sort of be quiet and and calm down in a way and listen. I think that's where the expression tongue tied does it. I think tongue tied means your tongue is tied up and you can't express yourself. Yeah, in this case, you know, you're like I just do this as a little trick and it helps me. It is a trick. It is a trick that's very useful.

Speaker 1: 4:56

When I started doing it is when you said you talk too much with the kids. Yeah, because with the kids I was always trying to like over or justify or over explain things. And I remember Violetta said to me one day you know, hey, you know they get it, you know you don't have to explain it so much or justify why you want them to do something. I can't remember what it was about now, usually silly things, but anyway, and I would tend to over. And you said do that, yes, and now it's a good trip, it's a good tip, because when you do that also, it calms your sympathetic nervous system. So you go into parasympathetic, which is the calming one. Yeah, so it calms you right down. Um, so you're obviously gonna give off, like, by being calm.

Speaker 1: 5:51

In that meeting I was the calm one and I think because his brother was staring at him and like, oh, literally, you know, there was, there was rage going on. They were both feeling as if they weren't being understood. They were both feeling as if they weren't being understood, both feeling as if each one was attacking, attacking the other one. You haven't done this and you haven't. What about you? You said you were going to do this, blah, blah, blah. And so in the end, yeah, I managed to just sit down. I I I thought, my goodness me, you know you're not understanding each other at all here. No, and ultimately you love each other so much. Stop this. I thought you know you're both, you're both, you treasure each other. Yeah, this is, but I could see it like a fly flying around that they couldn't see it at that moment in time.

Speaker 1: 6:38

I think it's important to notice that sometimes we get into these traps that we just repeat so with, especially with, a certain person. So you're, you always go on the defensive straight away instead of actually listening to that person and you're ready to like kind of bite back and shout back or whatever, and that this does happen a lot in long-term relationships, doesn't it? Absolutely, yes, you have to think, maybe. You have to think. Well, if it was someone I didn't know, would I treat them like this? Would I be so on the defensive if I had never heard this person speaking before? You know, maybe I would actually listen to see what they're going to say, whereas a lot of the time we just, we just mind read that we know what they're going to say. Interrupt them. We think we know, yes, and yes, we think we know.

Speaker 1: 7:25

We think we know, especially with our loved ones, we just take it for granted oh, I know what you're going to tell me and oh, blah, blah, blah. And you ignore them and you're not respectful, really, of what they're actually saying or sometimes you're misinterpreting what they're saying. Like if your mum says to you oh, you never come and see me, you never come and see me, and when you do come, it's like for five minutes. What is she really saying to you? What is she really saying behind those words? She's probably saying she's feeling lonely. Yeah, you know she misses human connection and she needs for you to show that you love her. Yeah, maybe if you can't go that often, but when you do go, you give her a really big, long hug or make her feel calm. Do you know? These are things that people they say one thing, but really they're meaning another thing, and so this is where communication you have to be a little bit sort of intuitive. Yes, you have to try and figure out what are they really saying to me?

Speaker 1: 8:24

Yeah, the other day I was reading on reddit. This lady was saying that, um, that her husband always asks her to help her with everything, so as soon as he's got like a technological thing to do or a bill to pay or something to do with, like the phone or the computer. He just, she said, he like pretends he doesn't know how to do it and he just always, like, relies on her, dependent on me. So he's always like bothering me throughout the day, saying come and help me with this, come and help me. No, you're better at it than I am. She actually used those words. You know you can do it better, really, and I suggested as a therapist. I said, maybe you know, underneath all of that there's the need for you to actually connect on a deeper level. Maybe, like you know, maybe you can try going on date nights or repeating that you love him.

Speaker 1: 9:19

Yeah, so you think that he was in another context, because he's, I think he's like it's also like a cry of attention for her attention. Yes, even if she gets irate with him or whatever, but she's still doing something with him for him. Yes, exactly, they're still doing something together kind of well. He's still getting her attention, but maybe it's not. It's not the way that she would like to give that attention, not at all. And she's, she's thinking he's a, you know, blinking pain in there, whatever, yeah, and and he's probably, and he's probably like craving her attention.

Speaker 1: 9:55

You know, and a lot of people in the comments said, yeah, but you don't want another third child. Your husband sounds like a child, you know he's. He's not you, you, you, you need a husband. But you know, some people did write well, you know, what does he do for you. I'm sure he does other things for you as well that you don't do. And it's true, you know, relationships are a bit like that. They're a bit like, you know, you help each other.

Speaker 1: 10:19

But I think the fact that it was really getting on her nerves, that she, she needed to address it there. She needs to address it in a different way and really say, hey, what's really going on? Yeah, you know, maybe he was missing her or he felt insecure about that's what I mean. It's like when you, like I gave the example of the mum nagging, saying you never come, or whatever, there's another meaning behind that. There really always is a meaning, there always is, yeah, there always is. And maybe by him constantly asking her can you help me with this email? I don't know what it was, but Well, yeah, it was with anything that had to do with technology.

Speaker 1: 10:55

Basically, yeah, they were in their 50s. So I mean, they were, they were in their 50s but, yeah, there are some young people that really rely on it in the same way. So, okay, he was still quite relatively young to be in his 50s. He's not like in his 90s. I don't think he thought he was that young anymore. Yeah, no, I know, obviously he's not that young, he's in his 50s but yes, but he didn't feel as if he could. He was obviously up with the technology. You know lots of people saying, well, get him to take a course, right. Yeah, I don't really think that was a real issue.

Speaker 1: 11:29

I think, underlining when your husband or someone keeps saying come over, come and help me with this, it's because they really they want to be next year, they want you to be there for them, they want you to show that their love yeah, it's like an act of service for them, it's their love language, even though she'd probably say like heck, it's not his love language. You know he's a real pain. He keeps asking me, but really it's for him. Yeah, that she was actually come, even if she was saying, you know, annoyed and that, but she would actually come for him. It was probably important, important. It was probably like her showing love for him. That's why I suggested that maybe she, you know, you can have more quality time, go on date night, do things together. Well, yeah, I mean it is nice.

Speaker 1: 12:13

Like me, sometimes I can't get the TV remote to work, so I call my husband. I mean I could figure it out. In the end it's annoying me now. I think it's because the TV's old. It's really old, but it's an old smart TV. But I mean it doesn't connect to Netflix very well and it gets, but he's got these two remotes.

Speaker 1: 12:33

That's like his domain though, isn't it? Yeah, because it's like and he'll come and I'll call him, and he feels like Does he like it? When you call him, I think he does kind of, because he says, all right, I'm coming, and then he kind of does, and then I always say, oh, thank God, you know, thank goodness you fixed it. You can only do this I. But, you know, give him a lot of satisfaction, probably thinking about if I would give him a kiss and a cuddle and thank you, my darling, for saving the world. Yeah, but he used to do that more with me, like, if he wanted, like internet on, he would always call me. I can't. The matches are working like yeah, so he would. Yeah, but anyway, I don, I think if it's a cutie thing and you like doing it, I think it's kind of cute. Yeah, yeah, you like doing things for each other, that's fine.

Speaker 1: 13:20

I mean, I was getting my husband was telling me to do something the other day and I said that's a man's joke, a man's job. Yeah, what do we want men for? And then he said obviously was a joke, because I could. It was something I could easily do as well. But I was saying you do it. Was it like bringing the wood in or something? Well, it could have been, because that was one of them, but he was tired because he's doing the bathroom but, um, he's renovating the bathroom at the minute. So it might have been that he was tired and it's something he didn't particularly want to do. But I didn't want to do it either, so I got him to do it.

Speaker 1: 13:52

But I think, yeah, that's the point, the communication. But I think behind it it's it's. It's not just what we say, it's what's behind it. Yes, it's like when you see these skits, when you you see these skits on this instagram, saying like when a woman says she's fine, it means that she's never really fine. There's always something behind it. You know, you get these kind of I was gonna say like stereotypes stereotypical, because that's not just women that do that, that's men as well. Exactly, men do it as well. But a lot of people say, no, don't worry, I'm fine, I don't want you to help me. And then you know they'll hold a grudge after yes, and then they feel vulnerable. I, I, they're frightened of being vulnerable and saying, no, I do want you to help me. Yeah, there's a lot of the time there's that fear of opening up and being vulnerable. You know, I think men have harder time. Mm-hmm, like if you have to go to, because there's some people.

Speaker 1: 14:55

I remember I was thinking of a client of ours a long time ago and she was saying that she was so like a strong-minded and like independent that she really struggled with with being in a relationship with a man because she says she really found it hard to even, you know, if he wanted to do something for her. She would feel like, oh no, let me do it kind of thing she wasn't used to it. Yeah, be more efficient. And this would, this would make her like not be, not be in relationships for that long. She would break up with a lot of her, her partners, because they, they didn't like it, because they wanted, like they wanted to see like a bit of vulnerability, they wanted to feel kind of useful and she didn't. You said I wish, no. My husband will be thinking, oh, she's certainly. She sounds amazing. Yeah, no, because I always make him drive. But, like the other day, he was saying when, what the hell, why can't you drive? And I was saying, well, you drive, come on, you know. So I certainly certainly make him feel useful to me. It's like I, I would like, but I can.

Speaker 1: 16:04

I can say things like that. Like if I have a hospital visit, for example, I'll say no, I don't want to go on my own, no, I'm scared, I, I'm scared, I. I never really know what they're going to say to me. I am, am not going on my own. So I'll just say that no, I'm not going on my own. Why? Because I'm scared. But some people that aren't as confident as you and aren't therapists, they say that's silly, yes, why no? They might say okay, vulnerability, and they would go and cry in the bathroom on their own and then go on their own and then then feel like their partner didn't really care. Support them, yes. So it's important to just say it, because sometimes your partner doesn't understand the hidden message and they don't realize. They don't realize it's like you.

Speaker 1: 16:54

You know your mom like classical because I'm saying this because that's what our mom used to say to us you never come and visit us, even though, of your letter, I actually lived upstairs, but literally it was always you know this moaning and and it could seem like moaning, but at the same time, what was it? She was lonely. Well, yeah, she was. The only thing is that there's there's also so much you can take, because I used to say if I go and visit her for an hour a day, she'll want two hours a day or three hours. Yes, I know, that was when she was very, very elderly, when she was elderly.

Speaker 1: 17:26

So you also have to kind of know yes, you can give, but you have to set boundaries as well, because otherwise you end up, oh no, you definitely have to set boundaries, but you can also be comprehensive. Yeah, and understand. Yeah, don't get angry over it or bitter. Just think okay, they're, they're elderly, yes, they're lonely, it is a time of your life when you feel that you can't do as many things as you could do. Perhaps you can't drive anymore. You feel like more. You feel more vulnerable, vulnerable. Yes, you're a vulnerable time in your life maybe health, whatever and so you become you. You become more dependent on others let's put it that way. But of course other people the family members and friends have to also take. You know you have to look after yourself, but, yeah, definitely, I think a lot of the times we have to realize what is being said.

Speaker 1: 18:20

Like if a friend shouts at you and say, well, you didn't phone me last week, or why didn't you come with me? You never come out for drinks anymore. Perhaps there's reasons why they're getting so irate. It's because they miss you, they want to talk with you. It's not just because they want to go out and have that drink. No, there's a lot. There's a lot.

Speaker 1: 18:42

Sometimes people just don't say, hey, I miss you. Yes, I really miss talking with you. I, I, I'm lonely. People don't. You know. They don't say that. They'll say millions of other. Yeah, and sometimes they'll say accusatory things like that yes, most of the time it's so. You go on the defense and say, look, I don't need you. I don't need you, you know, get lost. If you're going to be mean to me, I'm not coming, and then you end up losing Something that's really precious. That is precious, yeah.

Speaker 1: 19:18

So you've got to, you know, you've got to understand that this communication it's not what is said, it is often what is unsaid. What is unsaid, yes, you are so right. It is often what is unsaid, what is behind the words. That you have to be, you have to think about sometimes. Yeah, yeah, definitely, and it's a skill you can hone into as well by just being more of an active listener. So, don't talk so much and listen more, listen more. See what they're doing as well.

Speaker 1: 19:44

Do like what Yudhka says put your tongue on the top of your mouth, yeah. Keep your face in a resting position, yeah, and take a deep breath and just listen and then maybe say at the end, say, yeah, I know I love you and I really care about you and, you know, share some love with that person. Yeah, seeing you like this is upsetting to me. I can see this is something you really care about, you know. And oh, now my life is going to change because sometimes you think sometimes, yes, like this lady with her husband, if she can, if she's just said to her husband, instead of getting annoyed darling, I really love you and I can see how this is really affecting you, the fact that you can't do this. You feel as if you can't do this on your own, but I love you and this is, these are the steps that you have to take, and I really love you, darling, and obviously without sounding condescending. And then, in the end, you know, I would be almost 100% convinced that the hubby would say don't worry, you know I'll be able to do it. Yeah, I've got this. I've understood it, perhaps with a little bit, because, obviously, if this lady whoever this lady is but if she storms in and said, god, like you're useless, give it to me.

Speaker 1: 20:59

And they just take the tablet away or the phone away or something that the other person's not going to be able to learn, if you sit next to them saying, look, this is how you do it. Look, can you see there's this little tab and you click on it and you let them do it, you let them do it it, and then they do it once and they get some steps wrong and then they do it again, and that's how we all learn, isn't it? Yeah, by the third time, by the third time, two times, a child. Yeah, next time you sit next to them and say, hey, look, this is how you do it, do you remember? I remember that's how your daughter was teaching us at first. Do you remember? Yes, she did a long time ago, a long time ago, when we were. She'll say Mum. She'll say Mum, it's all that long ago. No, it was a long it was. It was like 15 years ago or something. Yeah, I know, it was ages ago. I mean, we didn't even know. Now we're super techie. Well, I don't feel as if I'm that techie, but you feel as if you're with it.

Speaker 1: 22:04

You can use the phone and the computer and everything. Come on, yeah, you can do everything you need to do on your device. Well, yes, I mean. Yeah, I don't do that much on it. No, but yeah, more or less, more or less. Yeah, open a document, a transformer, pdf, I can do certain things. Yeah, you can do a lot more than you think, probably. Yeah, and if I don't know how to do, I know how to research how to do it exactly, which I think is really that's also what the lady was saying why can't he just look it up, but go on youtube, look up a video? Yes, exactly, but he obviously didn't want to because really he wanted the human connection of having his wife do it and yes, or having his wife next to him or something. If he's calling her, calling into the room every five minutes, it's tedious. So there's a reason, yeah, for tedious. Yeah, that's why I said should be.

Speaker 1: 23:06

You know, there has to be other outlets if you're finding that there's a person in your life that's constantly, like, always needs your attention, attention, just, you know, go and find out what's really going on. Yeah, what's really going on, absolutely yeah, it's like the child that's always pulling on the skirt Mommy, mommy, there's obviously there's something going on, isn't there? There's boredom, there's loneliness, not enough interaction. There's something going on, because if you see the child when they're happily playing with other children, they're perfectly engrossed in their own worlds and having a wonderful time. They're certainly not coming. No, they're asking for your attention. They're always saying oh, my god, no, five more minutes, let us play five more minutes. So you know well, let us know what you think.

Speaker 1: 23:57

Does communication come in different forms? Do you find that you're often like shouting back at someone or feeling very like edgy with them. Maybe, you know, take a step back and just think, hey, maybe something going on in that person's life, yeah, you know, they could also be in pain, or a lot of people have pain physical, mental pain. Yes, absolutely so. Come and say hi on instagram or facebook or wherever you like linkedin, and also come and see the video on youtube, which is video of us sitting here on the city at Jukka's house. Love and smiles from the English Sisters. Bye for now.