Finding Balance: Embracing Assertiveness for Personal Growth

This episode explores the nuanced balance between being easygoing and assertive, prompting listeners to reflect on the costs of constant compliance with others' desires. Through personal anecdotes and practical insights, the discussion emphasizes the importance of respecting one's own needs and feelings in relationships and everyday decision-making. 
• Examining the implications of being easygoing 
• Reflecting on personal experiences and learned assertiveness 
• The relationship between easygoingness and respect in professional settings 
• Understanding the impact of easygoing behavior on intimate relationships 
• Strategies for cultivating assertiveness without losing kindness 
• Encouraging listeners to assess their own behaviors and boundaries

Chapters

• 0:00 Navigating Assertiveness in Daily Life
• 7:59 Unhappy Memories of Caves and Parks
• 21:28 Lessons in Assertiveness and Standing Up
• 24:51 Embracing Assertiveness for Personal Growth

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Being easygoing. Are you an easygoing person? Do you say yes to everything? La, la, la, la la. This is great. You know, I think I'm a bit like that. You are easygoing, well, yeah, kind of. But I think over the years I'm sort of learning to not be that easygoing and to be a little bit more assertive in deciding what I want, to be a little bit more assertive in deciding what I want. Assertive is a good word and that's what we're going to be chatting about in this week's episode of Get Real with the English Sisters Mind, health, anxiety.

Speaker 1: 0:34

So everything to do with the mind, with your health and, hopefully, helping you with your anxiety. Yes, it's just about daily life, isn't it? Daily life, yeah, things that happen every day, things that come up during the day, little things, and today I was thinking about that being easygoing. You know what is the price that we pay for being too easygoing? Yeah, and what do we mean by easygoing? Because I think everybody loves to be around somebody that's easygoing Because they're easy. Easygoing because they're easy. You know they're like they say yes to everything. Okay, should we go to? What restaurant should we go to? Is that one? Okay, should we go to that one? And, yeah, sure, that's fine, you know that's fine, that's fine, there's no like objections.

Speaker 1: 1:21

I wonder if sometimes, if you're too easygoing, you know you compromise on what you really want and people take you down where they, where they want to go. Well, they definitely take you down whether, well, I don't know if it's down, but they'll take you on that path. It's not necessarily down, but it could be on a different path sometimes. I think it's actually really good when you're easygoing because it means you're not so fixed in your ways and so you're sort of like more open to oh, should we go to? Do you want to go and see that play or that thing or whatever it is, and you go because you kind of like not really set in your ways. But I don't know, I think there is a price. But when they say, does it take you down that price? Because they might, sometimes you might think, well, I didn't really. I had a Chinese yesterday or whatever it is, indian cuisine yesterday, yeah, yeah, and I had Chinese cuisine, or I had Korean or whatever it is, and pizza, and today I want to just stay home. But then you, you still go because you're easygoing, sort of like, and the group of people and friends. They want to go. I wish I hadn't gone out.

Speaker 1: 2:31

I mean, we have spoken about this before because maybe you had financial reasons for to not want to go out, because you were saving or something. Yeah, does it compromise? Does it make you compromise? Being easygoing on your on, on, like, where you want to be and where you want to go? I think I think it kind of does. I think I think you have to fight for what you want really, and I mean the word fight might seem rather litigious, but talking about fighting a lot in this 2025. I don't know. Yes, it's not a typical word. I would actually use fight. What I mean is you have to like be more assertive for what you want. I think, and you know, speak up, speak up.

Speaker 1: 3:17

So if you are in a group of friends and you find that you're always following what they want to do, and I mean I remember I used to do that a lot more when I was younger, when I used to be an air hostess and I used to fly around there was always somebody that had a really strong opinion, especially about where we should go out in the evening, you know. So there's 16 colleagues or something, and then we were a whole great, you know big group of people and they would. Everyone would always say, no, I want to go and have the steak and I want to go there, and I used to just think, oh well, I don't really care where I want to go to. But I did end up a few times eating out and being really tired and thinking why on earth am I doing this? You know, and I think that's something that you learn over the years, it comes naturally and now, for example, I wouldn't do that anymore. I would definitely no, no, what.

Speaker 1: 4:10

Already towards the end, when I, when I end, when I stopped, when I was almost finished with my flying career, I just used to say no, thanks, you know, I know what I want. Now I won't go out because tomorrow I won't be able to work properly or I won't be able to. I just don't want to eat that kind of food. I'm too tired. Basically used to feel exhausted half the time, yeah, and sometimes I think it can be like at work as well you compromise on things that you might want to do also with your career. So if your boss or your manager's saying come and do this, and then you're thinking really. I wanted to do this other thing today, definitely at work.

Speaker 1: 4:45

At work, being easy going is great for a boss who can literally boss you around, but then when they see you that you have your opinions and you aren't that easy going, I think there's more respect there in the end. You know, they do respect you more. People do seem to respect assertiveness, don't they? Yes, even though they might. In the end they might think, oh, you know, they're not that, that willing to do what I want, but in the end they do respect it more. I think they definitely respect it more. They know they're not gonna. You know, I won't bother with that one there. I'll go and ask that or the person to do it, because you know they have their agenda and I know they're not gonna like it. So I think that, in a way, if you do have, you know, if you respect what you want to do, you're gonna get. If you respect your own opinions, yeah, sometimes you might really not be bothered and say, all right, I'm really not bothered, and that person over there seems to be really bothered about where we're going, and so I think it's sometimes I don't know where you're going, you won't get there, no, but like I mean I'm just going back to the restaurant thing sometimes I would think it's just nothing really.

Speaker 1: 5:57

Example in life how you can be led to go to places where you don't really want to end up in. Yeah, I guess. So you're right. It's like a metaphor for other things, isn't it in life? Because it can be in in love relationships as well. You could be always the one to be compromising, yeah, and always be justifying your partner yes or for no. For for the only reason that you are so easygoing and you've always just thought, well, okay, never mind, kind of thing exactly. But then afterwards, in the long term, resentment builds up and bad habits are created in the, in the, definitely in the relationship, aren't they? It's best to catch it.

Speaker 1: 6:34

If you do have that kind of personality that you do think, oh, I do, I am really easygoing, then you know, yes, advantages and disadvantages, but become aware of it, that's for sure. You know because there could be really good things that what you were saying you're flexible, you're willing to try new things, you haven't got limiting beliefs about certain things that, oh, no, I can't do that, I'm not doing that, I'm not, I'm not good at that you might think, oh yeah, I'll give it a try, I'll give it a try. Yeah, I'll give it a try, I'll go. Then there might be other things and you can discover things that are amazing. Yeah, but then there'll be other things, like, for instance, I know that in my whole life I'm never going to go on a ferris wheel. Oh right, a ferris wheel. Now, no, I I I say no to that because there's no need for me to experience that. I know I'm terrified, I would. I do not need to overcome this fear. It's a, it's an unnatural thing to be on and it's not necessary. No, where is it? For instance, if we have done therapy for people with fear of flying, for our clients there, if I had a fear of flying, I would. I would go to therapy and get it sorted, because there it's actually stopping me from doing what I need to do, which is get to a different country, exactly, yeah, whereas being on a ferris wheel is irrelevant, yeah, going on those you know those game things, oh God, no, I would never.

Speaker 1: 7:59

I mean, I went on one once with my kids when they were like 13 or something. I can't remember why. Oh, because we went to Disney World, and you know it was a come on. This is nothing. You can certainly do this. I mean, it wasn't even really. To tell you the truth, I don't even think it was supposed to be that scary, but for me, what a horrible experience it was. You just go on this train and you go around and things were coming out.

Speaker 1: 8:26

No, I would have never gone into one of those. It was. It was supposed to be this space thing or something. Was it et thing? No, no, no, that was okay. Actually the et thing, I think he came out of a little basket. You see him on this little wheel. That would be cute. That was okay. No, it was not the et thing, it was something else.

Speaker 1: 8:44

And I just remember thinking god, why, why, why didn't they just go with their dad? You know, why did they have to? Why did I? But they really wanted you to go, didn't? They did?

Speaker 1: 8:56

But look, when I got off it, they said, mom, really honestly, no, there was no point. I said that's a horrible thing, I am never going to do anything. You said you weren't going back to the caves as well, didn't? Oh, my god, the caves. Don't talk about those caves. Yeah, the caves. I got it being easy going again. Still at 50, I didn't go to the caves almost eight years old. Yeah, I need to see them once and that's enough in my whole life. Yeah, I've still got to learn about this because I still you are more easygoing, honestly, but how was, honestly, I got? I mean, they said these are beautiful caves in the world. They're so beautiful. You go in, you know, and, and there are statelites. Oh, my god for me, honestly, I, just the moment I got in, I felt that cold air and I thought, okay, calm down, you know, this is fine.

Speaker 1: 9:51

And at the time that was before my eye operation, wasn't it? So, see properly, I think I still, I had, I needed glasses, but I I couldn't see properly, so it was very cataract. I had, I had cataracts and I mean yeah, I mean yeah, anyway, but even if you didn't, because I can't see that great since I had the um, we, yeah, I mean we've been a bit unlucky with our eyes anyway, I mean this is just stuff that happens to everybody. But yeah, I mean cataracts, I, I didn't think I got, but you got them when you were really young. It was unusual. Yeah, I think it's due to that medication, yeah.

Speaker 1: 10:27

Anyway, whatever it was, I couldn't see that well, so I was scared. And then, oh my God, everyone else was so cool, they were just walking along. Come on, these weren't like caves that were big, it was a small cave and you had to go down really steep, narrow, and you're not even claustrophobic, are you just scared. You were going to fall, it would and, and it was closed. So I did feel like claustrophobic because I couldn't. Also because I couldn't see.

Speaker 1: 10:56

I remember grabbing hold of what I thought was my husband's in front of me, of his coat and it was his other guy's coat. And then I said I'm so sorry, I'm, I'm feeling really I'm not enjoying this. And he said well, don't worry, because my wife's not enjoying it either, she's just behind you. I think we're only going to do the 30 minutes because there was an option like 30 or 40 minute tour, otherwise you could go ahead and go down even further. When I saw those tiny I mean they were slippery as well it was like there was water. Safe, is it? They don't warn you if you have problems with your eyesight, with your eyesight, or if you you know your to be fair judge of my husband. He said, I did think it was going to be more like those really big, no, like touristic.

Speaker 1: 11:43

Yeah, there are big caves where they've got like all barriers and you can hold on to things. But I went to those really big caves once and I didn't enjoy it either. Yeah, because it's very tricky, it's very dark and then they have little steps that you have to go down to and, like little bridges, you have to go across Bridges, yeah, that are really flimsy, yeah, and there was water like below and I thought, gosh, everyone was taking pictures. And then I thought, gosh, your phone could fall and honestly, yeah, I'm supposed to be an anxiety expert. Honestly, I thought I did, I kept my cool and everything, but I was just focusing on getting out Because you actually thought this is actually dangerous and it's not for me, it's not for people, and they don't warn you that you would like, you would like, like, need proper clothing on, you need like trekking shorts?

Speaker 1: 12:34

No, no, I think trekking shoes on you need. You need like trainers. They did, they did say they wanted trainers. Actually they did. Yeah, I think I did have trainers on, but it was just not. It wasn't just the trainers, it was the whole experience.

Speaker 1: 12:49

But anyway, yes, to go back to the point, I would never. I said that's the last time I'm going into one of those caves. Yeah, never again. It was because my son and his girlfriend loves the caves and we were on this trip all together. Let's all go and enjoy this experience, but a jolly holiday kind of thing. Yeah, obviously you think you feel like a bit of a freak and you say, no, I'll just wait outside, and I thought just waiting outside for a whole hours or thing in the end. But, yeah, and everyone it was everyone came out all super happy. Wow, they took, you know, I, I think I don't know if they were actually allowed to take pictures, but I think some people yeah, they did take pictures. Yeah, my son took loads of pictures, but everyone thought it was beautiful. You know, obviously it was beautiful, but not my kind of beautiful, that's for sure.

Speaker 1: 13:41

For me it was, um, the horrific experience. I will never do that again. I thought, no, you'd have to, I'd be dragged in there, my form of torture to be going back in there. I do not want to go underground, you know at all. Just leave me above. I thought, leave me, don't put me down in there, I don't, you know, not for me, but yeah, but I can, you could go, like in the channel tunnel, the one that goes under the channel. You don't even realize you're doing that because you're like a tunnel. It's like if you're on the tube, exactly, yeah, you wouldn't have a. No, I don't think. So that's you're just a bit weird, but I would do that. Well, I haven't even thought about that, but obviously you're like, you know, from Paris to London, yeah, well, what is it like a train? Yeah, it's a train.

Speaker 1: 14:31

You go underground, under the water, though, but only because you have to think about it under the water, because, yeah, if you didn't know, you wouldn't know you were going underwater, they would just think it was a really long tunnel, like when we go through the mountains, like when we went up north. You know, you go, you have mountains, yeah, in the car you're driving, yeah, yeah, you kind of. Yeah, that's different. Here I actually had to walk on my own two feet, sort of walking, and and and, oh, yeah, that was it as well, because I was actually touching these precious, you know, stalactites, stal that one, no, but because? No? Because I was, because you're gonna fall over, because I was literally gonna fall over and they were like wet. And then the guide was no, sorry, oh my god, so where, where do you hold on to? That's why, in the end, I was holding on proper things to hold on no guardrail. It's ridiculous really. There's no safety involved. No, you can't touch them. I thought, okay, you can't touch them. I thought, okay, you can't touch them. I can't see.

Speaker 1: 15:28

I mean, we went once as well. I remember going to see a castle. This was only two years ago, yeah, I know, but I remember it's not like it was in the past history, like in 1930s. I was saying but nowadays, sometimes they're like too fickle with these things, too fickle with these things. They don't have proper signs saying please be careful, if you suffer from a phobia, do not go in. If you're claustrophobic, do not go in. Um, you would think it'd be obvious, wouldn't it? If you're really because? Because, come on, if you're claustrophobic, yes, because when I went to see, I would never go.

Speaker 1: 16:00

We went to see a castle once and I thought there should have been a warning here, right, yeah, as me, as me as a hypnotherapist, as someone that helps people deal with phobias, if you go to see a castle and you think I'm just going to go and see a lovely castle, it's just normal. And then to get from one bit of the castle to the next, there's a really narrow corridor really high up with a really low wall where you could easily fall over and go into a massive yeah, like a cliff thing. So and that was just, and I had just to be a normal tourist to go around and I had to go through this and I was I mean, I'm not even that particularly scared of heights because I don't like them much, but I've been on ski lifts, I've been on and I'm fine. So it's not like I've got this real, but when I feel as if something's just unsafe, or like unsafe because I was thinking small children here, this is super unsafe for them and they just thought it was normal they just thought it was normal.

Speaker 1: 16:58

Where was this castle? In Edinburgh? No, in Italy. In Italy, we're giving Italy From Mount Siena somewhere. You be careful. There was no warning and I was thinking really there should have been a warning here saying please, if you're afraid of heights, please do not come. You know, do not go on this tour. Yeah, it wasn't even a tour, you had to go by yourself. I mean, I do remember like I had to hold on to my husband. I was terrified and try not to look because it was horrific. God, you poor thing. No, I wouldn't have. Yeah, but then you're actually on the tour, so there's no way back, is there?

Speaker 1: 17:31

It's a bit like that at the Vatican as well. I remember when you go up the steps because I thought, okay, going up the steps, that's fine, you just go up the steps. That's scary as well, isn't it? But there is a balcony to get to the further bit that you have to go along. That's actually right at the top and it's. It hasn't got a very high railing and it's really narrow and it's. It's inside the vatican gosh.

Speaker 1: 17:53

And I remember my sister in law was she's very afraid of heights, much more than I am, and she was absolutely terrified. She practically wanted to go crawling along it. Oh, crawling, yes, I understand, and and it was really awful for her. In the end we had to help her, but it was, it was terrible. I managed to do it, but I didn't like it, but it was pretty. I would never go up there again, no, no, no, I mean, I'm actually scared of higher again. I think there they should have warnings. Please. If you are afraid of heights, please note, there is this.

Speaker 1: 18:25

This part of the journey is where you know you're not just in a turret, walking up steps, which you think okay, and then you've got the lovely balcony at the top, which is beautiful. No, you have to go along this little internal balcony that's really broad, just to find the way. Sometimes they also have these like tiny spiral staircases, which are pretty creepy, that take you all the way to the top and they've got holes in them, haven't they? Yeah, and they could. We're like we're supposed to be and it's like we are anxiety. But what we're, what we're trying to say.

Speaker 1: 18:54

If you do have anxiety about these things, you know, avoid them. Just say no. I mean, I'm not easy going here, I'm not going up, yeah, they're not. And there will be a lot of group pressure. If you're in a group, yes, come on, it'll be okay. No, I do actually remember when it worked, before I was went into these caves, there was a group pressure every all. My son, his girlfriend, you know, my husband, oh, they're beautiful, you'd care, you know, be tranquilla, there's nothing. Are you joking? It's really easy, it's just. Of course, it's a tourist thing. You know how many look that old lady's going in there. Do you think that she, you, she can do it? Why can't you do it sort of thing.

Speaker 1: 19:33

And I was beginning to feel like some kind of uh. Like I thought what's wrong with me? Of course I can do it. Do I want to do it? That's a different question. And what kind of experience did I go through? And compared to other people that came out smiling, I mean I was like, oh, just please. When I actually saw the sunshine at the end of it, I thought I mean, I would rather be prepared. So if you know you're going in for this experience, okay, prepare yourself. Prepare yourself. Remember, you have to wear, you know, water's gonna fall on your head. You know, I wasn't expecting that like these. The water drops keep on falling, quite big drops as well, so you need a hood, you know, and it's very cold. Oh, it's so cold and damp anyway. Yeah, not good.

Speaker 1: 20:21

If you do have a phobia about anything, we are available for therapy, even though after hearing us, you think, oh, wait, no, but obviously if we did have a phobia, we would be able to, if it's something that you really want to get rid of. I mean, do not do things that don't, there's no need for it. There are certain, you know, like we want to call them phobias. I, I wouldn't say mine was a phobia, I would say that just did not like it and no common very unpleasant experience for me. So necessary, not necessary at all. I could have been having a lovely cappuccino somewhere. I mean, what's the point? Why is my life? You know, seconds and minutes of my life are precious. Why, why, why waste them doing something? I do not? You know, I, there were, there were enough things that are unpleasant in this life that we have to do, we have to Like. Sometimes you have to do things that you just don't want to do, but you've got to do them for your health or for whatever reasons you know. So why do them when you don't have to? That's what I say. Yeah, that's what I say too.

Speaker 1: 21:28

You know, you come to this age and you think, yes, if there's a lesson to be learned, it's that. Well, I learned that lesson very young, actually, when I was like 21, when I saw my friend and she was really not easygoing at all when we were stuck in Paris. Yeah, she did teach you a lot, didn't she? And she was very assertive and she got what she wanted and in the end, she managed to get us in. She got what she wanted to. They sent us away and she said no, I'm sorry, I'm not having it. That was ridiculous. And she just stood there and stared at them yeah, whereas you would have just thought. I walked off and she said what are you doing? Because I hadn't seen her, I didn't even know she was there. No, just happened to bump into her. Yeah, yeah, me, shelton. Yeah, we've lost touch now, but she taught me so much she did, didn't she?

Speaker 1: 22:07

I remember you telling me she was so assertive. She said where are you going? I said they say we're not enrolled here, we can't come. And she said what are you talking about? You know Bristol University said we were enrolled. And she said no, I'm not having this. And she went back and then she just stared and she said so there you go. So being easygoing like you were, that was not good for you. No, no, and she certainly knew what she wanted. She was super assertive and said I'm not going to be easygoing, I'm not taking no for an answer. Exactly, and she got what she wanted. She got you both enrolled in the end. Yeah, she did. There you go, she did.

Speaker 1: 22:44

And I remember that was like a. It was like a light bulb moment for me because I realized, oh my goodness, there were people out there, that there's people that actually stand up to people and say, no, I'm not having it. Yeah, that was a shock because we were taught like authority, you know, oh quiet, be polite, you know, step away and don't cause a fuss. That was definitely, and plus, being immigrant children, we sort of felt like you know, don't be seen too much, like you're not, like there's a kind of a vibe when you grow up in a family like that that you kind of like I don't know, because our mum was so loud, she was loud but at the same time she didn't get the respect that another person she was spanish and and and I could see it as a child you kind of see how people would treat her sorry, I can't understand you. And she would have to come on. She would, she would make, but maybe we compensated for that, seeing that she would like insist on things. Yes, we did the opposite, we would like if we had no for an answer, we just say okay, we didn't like want to like make a fuss, not be too seen or be heard too much, sort of like.

Speaker 1: 23:54

She was very this michelle, let it go. She's so assertive and she really taught me to like not be easy going in certain situations to really, you know, put your foot down and say, no, I'm not having it. It is. You know. This can affect so many areas of your life really, from like even like silly. Well, not silly, but like if you've, if a doctor gives you like their cell phone, for example, like I would always think, oh god, I'm not going to disturb this person. You know this doctor, they're so busy. Why write to them if I've got something that I'm really worried about? No, they give you their cell phone for a reason, like even my husband now he he's just been operated on his knee. His surgeon gave him his cell phone. He said, hey, jojo, contact me, no worries. And and there he was saying, oh, I don't want to bother him. I guess, for goodness sake, you've got the cell phone right to him, even if it's just. Do you know what I mean? You know these things you've got.

Speaker 1: 24:51

Uh, no, being easygoing is not always to your own advantage. You have to, you know, stick up for what you, your rights and what you need and what you want. You have to stand up for yourself. Yeah, and let's do more of that in 2025 and let us know what you think. Do you want to stand up for yourself more? Do you like being easygoing? Are you, you know, really happy with that, or do you notice that sometimes in life maybe I really don't need to do? Yeah, exactly, send us a text message and come and see us on Instagram and say hi at Get Real with the English Sisters, or the English Sisters, and also come and see the video on YouTube, where we have the video version. Yes, say hi there too, or any way you like. Lots of love and smiles from the English Sisters. Bye-bye.