Perfectionism: The Hidden Trap

This episode explores the shadow side of perfectionism and its impact on our lives. We discuss how striving for perfection often turns toxic, discouraging us from taking action and enjoying life. By sharing personal anecdotes, we highlight the importance of awareness and flexibility in combating perfectionist tendencies.

• Understanding the dangers of perfectionism and its rise in modern society 
• Exploring how perfectionism stops progress and causes anxiety 
• Discussing the importance of embracing imperfection in everyday life 

Please share your thoughts and experiences with perfectionism in the comments! 

Hypnotherapy coaching sessions can help if you are struggling with anxiety.  Please email us at englishsisters@gmail.com if you would like help with an issue, mentioning this episode of our podcast for a special discounted rate. We work with clients worldwide over Zoom. Buy our BookStress Free in Three Minutes available on Amazon and Kindle, to help support our work. Thank you!

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Chapters

• 0:00 Understanding the Dangers of Perfectionism
• 19:26 Toxic Perfectionism and Its Real
• 57:50 Embracing Imperfection for a Better Life

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Why being a perfectionist can actually be dangerous in so many ways, yeah, and why there can be so many downsides to it. Because we're used to thinking of. You know, being a perfectionist is, oh yeah, you know, everything is lovely and everything comes out really nice. Yes, associating it with excellence Exactly yes. Yes, associating it with excellence Exactly yes. But today we're going to be actually talking about this toxic perfectionism and why, you know, we've got to become aware of it, and why it can actually stop you in your tracks and stop you from living your best life. So tune in to Get Real With the English Sisters. Please do share this podcast with your family and friends and on social media if you enjoy it, and let us know in the comments if you enjoy it, or send us a text if you're on your podcast player, yay. So let's get down to this podcast today. And there's reasons why we decided to talk about this, isn't there? Well, there are reasons why we decided to talk about this, isn't there? Well, there are reasons because we suddenly decided that I mean the lady that comes to help us in the house she cannot clean a room if everything isn't, if it's not, tidy, exactly Like if your house is. It's either all or nothing. Yeah, she like she'll open a door and she'll say, oh no, there's, there are a few things on the floor. Thus I could not clean that room. You know, and and and this. This sounds like she only comes. Yeah, it sounds ridiculous, like. So I know I'm really lucky to have her coming to help me, so I'm really ultra grateful the fact that I have her. She only comes once a week and uh, yeah, but sometimes I think why? And then, after speaking to her, I realized that it's kind of like no, because it's not if, if things aren't perfect in her, in this isn't just with with the cleaning aspect, it's everything in her life, everything has to be done perfectly. And I'm sure there are a lot of you out there that you are either like almost I want to say the word suffering from perfectionism, because it is like it's like a disease and it's on the rise. Yeah, this is actually on the rise, exactly. There are more and more people that are becoming perfectionists due to social media, due to comparison.

Speaker 1: 2:28

I think so, and I think I mean it really gets into your mind, it does your, it does your head in in the end, because you, you stop. It stops you in your tracks. It stops you from doing things just as just as she. You know she can't clean a room if there's a few boxes on the floor or like on the bed or something you know you're in the middle of. Maybe you know she can't clean a room if there's a few boxes on the floor or like on the bed or something you know you're in the middle of. Maybe you know doing your wardrobe out or something. Yeah, she'll just go in there and say, oh no, I can't do this room, whereas close the door. If I went in there I would say, okay, there's a bit, there's a little bit of room here. I just, yeah, you know, I just vacuum the carpet a bit, then I'll go around and do a bit of there. But for her, in her mind, she just can't. It's like all or nothing, and I'm sure many of you can identify with that that. Maybe you know things have stopped you in the past from doing things I've got, I've got my son.

Speaker 1: 3:17

He is a total perfectionist. He does suffer from anxiety though, every, every, now and again and and, for example, like the other day he was, he decided. He said, oh, I really fancy mashed potatoes, oh, but I can't be bothered with the long process. And I said what long process, for goodness sake. Just stick a potato in the microwave and then get it out, put some butter on it and mash it up. You know, that's how I would do it if I wanted it. You it, you know, like one, it only takes like five minutes, or otherwise. You can boil them and then just mash them up with you know, even with a fork. Yeah, he said, oh, mum, you know I can't do it like that. And so I thought okay, so, and he said no, I'm just gonna go out now and grab a hamburger. So I thought there you go. That's an example of you know, his perfectionism is actually getting in the way of his health, because if it's not perfect the mashed potatoes, then instead of eating a healthy potato, he's gone out to get a hamburger, which is just fast food. So I thought that's the classical example of lots of things that happened to him in his life that I can see. You know he's. He's just bought a house now.

Speaker 1: 4:24

So I thought, well, let's get. You know, start painting, let you know so you can move in and enjoy it. Yes, but we need to get a professional painter's opinion. We need to do the primer on the wall, we need to do this. No, everything was like it's like stopping. Yeah, it's like it like stops, you know, just from getting from rolling up your sleeves and getting on with it because you're thinking in your head that you're not good enough to do that, because you haven't got the experience or the tools or the you know, the know-how to do it, whereas if you just say, okay, I'm just going to do my best, and that you know, like I remember.

Speaker 1: 5:01

Yeah, I remember when we first came to Italy. Know, like I remember who cares. Yeah, I remember when we first came to Italy, we, when people used to have painters come in and then all this DIY came yes, it wasn't it. Nobody would actually do it yourself here in Italy. No, we came from the UK and you know the English kind of mindset where people would do their own homes up and and just sort of figure away. You know it wouldn't be perfect, but no, not here. They had to kind of shine a light. They had, they would get a torch and actually shine it on the wall to see if there was any like kinks or nooks or crannies or any imperfections in the paint job they'd done. Yeah, so that was, but obviously that was a professional painter that would come in and do it, yeah, but and then do you really need a professional painter though, have you?

Speaker 1: 5:45

If you've got loads of money to splash out and you've got the, then you know the financial resources. Yes, of course, you can get an interior decorator, you can get a painter. You can get. You know, you can get all of this stuff, but most of us in the real world we, we don't have all that extra cash lying around, and, and it is hard work when you actually do do the painting, but, oh, what a satisfaction you get afterwards when you manage to do it yourself. There is that sense of pride and your self-worth grows. When you do things yourself, you know you immediately have this massive boost in self-esteem. So it's good for you also to to try and do these things, and I think, like, like recently, my husband's done out the bathroom and the upstairs bathroom, and my son is shocked why, why, dad? Why, why are you doing this? You know you don't need to do this now, at this stage in your life. You can get someone to do it for you. Why are you killing yourself doing it and he actually got sore knee from it. It was hard work. He's loved the process and he's thoroughly enjoyed it, and I've enjoyed the fact that I haven't got workers in my house every day, that he did it, yeah, he did it, and he's just nice and quiet and discreet and I, oh yeah, he's brilliant. He's brilliant when he does his job. So I haven't got people in there.

Speaker 1: 7:10

He is a perfectionist, but I think he's learned how to, how to sort of master his perfectionist to his advantage there. Yeah, because he is another example of a perfectionist. It's never stopped him, it's not. He's not a toxic perfectionist, no, no, he'll get on with it. He'll get on with it and try and he'll write notes, but then while he's doing it, he'll want it to be more and more so. He wants to learn how to do it properly. Yes, yes, he does, he does. If he does put a tile down that's slightly wonky, he'll try and lift it up and then redo it, but but he does accept as well that there might be you know, there might be things that aren't exactly 100 perfect. He allows flexibility. It's like in business, isn't there? Because he also listens to me where I say that's fine, just get on with it. Exactly, yeah, maybe if he was on his own he might, you know, go down that rabbit hole a bit.

Speaker 1: 8:02

More of toxic perfection, I think. If you've got two perfectionists in a couple, in a friendship, that's when things can be a little bit tricky, because you know well, they do say opposites attract. So perhaps a lot of the times there there is one perfectionist and then you end up with somebody else that's not like that and you actually quite enjoy that feeling of sort of somebody that's more flexible around you. Yeah, I think that's probably quite a good combination. Yes, you're like edge each other on, won't you? The perfectionist will make you do things a bit better, and more perfection, yes, it'll actually improve, inspire you.

Speaker 1: 8:36

Yeah, yeah, but it's it's when it stops you from doing things, or it like it's it's like all on, the all or nothing mentality, which is like harmful, I think, and toxic. Well, it's like in business, isn't it the? There there is a saying called analysis, paralysis. So if you analyze something too much, you will never do anything. And it's actually feared in business because they say if you analyze something too much, you will never do anything. And it's actually feared in business because they say, if you, if you're going to start up an idea, and you start it and then you have it, you could you have to wait for everything to be perfect. You will never get it done. Yeah, and it paralyzes you, literally the fear of not getting everything perfect, not having exactly the right budget, exactly the right personnel, this and that you won't do it. No, you will be paralysed, it will stop you, it will stop you in life. It will create a lot of anxiety as well, because you'll feel frustrated because you're not fulfilling the thing that you wanted to do Exactly.

Speaker 1: 9:35

I mean, you've got to sort of become aware of this. I think, yeah, I think it's like everything. If you become aware of what you're doing with your own mind, with your own mind and your own thoughts, and you know when you're going down that spiral of perfectionism, yeah, you can stop yourself and say, hey, well, maybe you know a little bit more flexibility or maybe, if you know there's a few things wrong with it, that's fine, because overall it's a good thing. Exactly, overall it's a good thing. I mean, when we were babies, we didn't learn how to walk, you know, immediately we didn't do it perfectly. We started crawling and then we didn't know how to eat properly and we made a terrible mess with our food, spitting it out and, goodness me, in our pants. Yeah, we, we weren't perfect and so we're not perfect now as adults either. We have to allow that flexibility and the be elastic enough in our own minds to say who cares? You know, it's good, it's a good job, and I'm proud of you. Know, become proud of yourself for doing it and for taking those first steps. I think you've got to just allow for more flexibility to enter.

Speaker 1: 10:42

Yeah, and I think that also comes when it comes down for with your health and your fitness, a perfectionist will never start working out because they won't have the right equipment or they won't have the amount of time necessary to do it. I haven't got an hour today. Well, you could just do maybe 10 minutes. And you just follow a YouTube video. He says really, I would need a personal trainer. I go well, you haven't got the money for a personal trainer, so why don't you just watch a video and start doing it yourself? No, there you go. No, there you go, no. There you go, no, no. And then you know he is paired with another perfectionist, so it's drama. Yeah, so you were. There's drama there because it stops you from doing.

Speaker 1: 11:23

You need a professional in order not to do an exercise that might hurt you. Yes, that is true, but you can also just start. You can start with an exercise that's safe, exactly With weights. Start, you can start with an exercise that's safe, exactly with weights, if you're doing weight training, weights that are safe for you and just get on with it and just roll your sleeve up and just start and just do it and you'll be healthier for it. Exactly, I mean, when we first came to Italy.

Speaker 1: 11:48

I mean, and they still say that now, so many people actually know how to speak English, but they won't. They are literally paralyzed by the fear of looking foolish. And and they, you know they're not. It's ridiculous, isn't it? You think, oh, but you didn't. You know, sometimes you can. Actually, you studied English for like 10 years at school and you still don't want to speak it.

Speaker 1: 12:10

They won't speak it because it's part of their culture. They say they can't speak English. They say, oh, no, it's part of their culture. They say, oh, no, it's really, really bad. Oh, no, no, and I know it can be embarrassing. It's like me if I try and speak french. I haven't spoken french for years. I'm gonna make, I'm gonna mess up, yeah, but does that actually stop me? No, if I find a french person and and I see that they need help, I will speak to them in french. Well, I will too. So I mean, that's because we're not. We'll do our best. We'll do our best to try and, you know, whatever we can.

Speaker 1: 12:40

That brings me back to when, um, therefore when, when, like when, I remember you telling me why don't you have a baby now? Exactly because I would be living with my, with my partner, who's my husband now, at the time for ages. We met when we were 19 and we'd be living together. You were so happy I wasn't working at the time, so it was like the perfect opportunity. And you said why don't you have a baby? When you were trying to get pregnant, you said you try as well and I go, I can't have a baby. And you said why not? You haven't tried. Well, you know there's, there aren't any problems or anything. I said, no, but I can't have one because I haven't. We haven't got a house yet. We have to buy a house first. And you said why? Yeah, because we were living in rented accommodation.

Speaker 1: 13:18

In those days it was more common for you to to be able to purchase a house. Nowadays, hardly anyone can purchase one. It's so, you know, expensive. But then in those days you could if you'd saved up. So I said we're saving for you know, for a down payment. And you said I why you should just go, just go for it, you don't need to, you, you live in a nice place, you've got enough room to live, you know, to have a baby room for the cot. Yeah, you had like another room, yeah, I had even had an extra room. So I said there's room for a cot, so just do it. And we did it and it. And we actually bought our house four years later, uh, or no, six years later. Six years later, we had two children and we bought our house four years later, uh, or no, six years later. Six years later, we had two children and we bought a house. Six years later, you entered the house with the two children. We rented our forever home that we bought and then we did out, all by ourselves as well, because we just did it, we just you just do it.

Speaker 1: 14:10

And, and how many life experiences and how much, how much you know goodness is that brought. Yes, and it enabled the fact that you did have them. At least mum and dad enjoyed them, because then they passed away. Yes, they did, they got to see them and you got all that satisfaction with actually memories, you know, of having our parents see your children. Well, they would have. Yeah, they wouldn't have seen much, they weren't in very good health conditions Exactly by the time you actually moved much harder. Yeah, so so you actually got mum to actually enjoy your first daughter. A lot, you know, and and you have all those memories which you may not have had.

Speaker 1: 14:46

So sometimes you know, waiting for the perfect moment might not be the perfect moment. You know, in real life it might be just the perfect moment that you think is the perfect moment, because you've got this thing in your head, you know this idea, programming whatever, of what or the comparing it to other people. You know, I think nowadays more than ever, it's so much because of social media. It always has been. It has been. Before it was like the next door neighbor, what the group was, but now it's like being tenfold, a hundredfold heightened, I know, because everything is so curated on social media that you believe, we all believe, we all get fooled that life is really like that. When it's just one moment, one, we know it's not real, but we're kind of like there's a part of our brain, there's a part of our brain that wants it to be real Because it looks so beautiful. So then we compare ourselves to it and you know, as we were chatting before when we were having a cup of tea, if we had been like that I mean, when we do this podcast, we video the podcast as well, whereas so many of our colleagues say, oh, no, I can't video it.

Speaker 1: 16:02

No-transcript, you know, just go for it. We just go for it. If we hadn't, we wouldn't have started a podcast. No, never, no, so you wouldn't be listening to us now. No, we would just say, no, we need a team, you need someone to edit it, you need someone to curate it, you need you know something to talk about. Yeah, I mean, we just basically took chat about what we were chatting about one minute before in the kitchen, yeah, and then our own experiences and you know, as, as as therapists as well, that obviously comes in, but just general, a lot of stuff that just happens to us and and our families, so there's no need to have it so curated, so perfect.

Speaker 1: 16:46

I think the imperfection is what is what's attractive as well, because when something is so perfect, you think, yeah, well, but where's the soul in it? Yeah, where's the soul you've? I, when we look at our houses, we know we painted that room and we might think, oh, yeah, I know that, you know. I mean, like when we were doing our bathroom out and we've got our little son who went it was two, who did a little. Yeah, he came in to help his daddy and he did a little scratch on the tile and you've got that memory, we've got that still there. We kept it where he scratched the tile because he wanted to. Yeah, adorable, exactly. But that's part of the history, of the feelings, of the emotions in the end.

Speaker 1: 17:30

So, yeah, I think you know this myth about everything having to be perfect and curated is is is not. It's not true, it's not. Nature is not like that either, is it? If we look at nature I mean you look at a field there'd be millions of weeds in it, exactly, and then there'll be the odd beautiful flower. What, sometimes the weeds are the beautiful flowers, you know if it just depends how you're looking at it because the dandelions and everything else is considered a weed. Look at the beauty in it. The daisies, you know, in my garden now they're weeds, but they're beautiful. They're beautiful white flowers, perfect in their imperfections, exactly. Yes, I think that's it.

Speaker 1: 18:12

I think we have to look at things a little bit differently and allow more flexibility to enter our minds and take a deep breath and just say look, this is all part of the journey. If it's going to be a good thing in the end, if it's not going to be toxic for us, if it's going to be toxic for us, and stop us doing what we really want to be doing right now, just for us, and stop us doing what we really want to be doing right now, just let go. Is it worth it? No, it's not. It's never worth it. It's actually.

Speaker 1: 18:35

You know, it can actually be very dangerous for your health and for everything else. Yeah, and for the people around you as well. Yeah, because it can be a great dampener on you know, your social life, on the people around you, if they know that. You know like, oh dear, that person's going to get upset if they invite us to dinner and then the dinner doesn't come out well, for example, yeah, we know they're going to be grumpy in the kitchen. You know, there's no point, there's no, you might as well just have a big laugh about it.

Speaker 1: 19:03

And, you know, just put it in your memory cupboard. Exactly, it's part of memories, isn't it? Yeah, it's part of life, exactly. So let us know if you enjoy this podcast. You know, please do leave a comment if you're watching us on youtube or send us a text if you're listening. Wherever you get your podcasts on apple podcast, spotify, wherever you you are, and let us know if you feel that you kind of have become more perfectionist over time and if you think the social media is influencing you as well. Exactly, or if you've got anyone around you that's like that. Yeah, let us know. See you next week. Lots of love and smiles from the english sisters. Bye.