Get Real With The English Sisters - Mind Health Anxiety
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Get Real With The English Sisters - Mind Health Anxiety
Gifts Unopened: The Surprising Psychology Behind Rejecting Praise
When was the last time someone gave you a heartfelt compliment, and what did you do? Did you graciously accept it, or did you immediately deflect, diminish, or dismiss it entirely?
As therapists, we've observed this pattern countless times - particularly among women. Compliments arrive like beautifully wrapped gifts, yet we refuse to open them. We push them away with reflexive responses: "This old thing? I got it on sale," or "It's nothing special," or "Don't look too closely at my work."
This episode explores the psychology behind our inability to receive praise. We delve into how context dramatically affects whether compliments feel appropriate or diminishing - particularly in professional settings where women often face appearance-based remarks that undermine their expertise. We share personal experiences of navigating these waters and establishing healthy boundaries.
We also address those toxic "reverse compliments" - the backhanded praise often disguised as teasing from family members or close friends. These interactions require firm boundaries, and we discuss how to recognize when someone's words deserve to be rejected rather than received.
The most meaningful compliments often touch our core values. When our adult children acknowledge our emotional availability as parents, or clients share how our work transformed their lives - these moments deserve to be fully absorbed and treasured. Yet even these profound affirmations can be difficult to accept when low self-esteem creates automatic barriers.
This pattern affects not just our self-perception but our relationships. Many partnerships strain under the weight of consistently rejected appreciation, as one person becomes exhausted by offering gifts that are never opened.
Try this exercise: spend time writing down compliments you've received throughout your life, especially those you brushed aside. Collect them like precious gems and allow yourself to truly appreciate them. Which ones resonate most deeply and why?
Subscribe and follow us for more conversations about mental health and wellbeing. Your support helps us reach more listeners - we're now in over 101 countries worldwide!
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Which compliment resonates most with you? If someone gives you a compliment, how do you react and what's your favourite? And, above all, do you know how to receive a compliment? Or are you the kind of person that will always tend to just push it away and not really and fully absorb the compliment, just like, yeah, just push it away. Just push it away.
Speaker 1:And I mean compliments are like gifts, but you have to know how to be able to open and enjoy that gift, and a lot of the time, I think we don't. We don't, we deflect, we deflect our attention away from it, don't we? Yeah, yeah, we say things like oh, I only got it on sale. Yeah, yeah, oh, no, I'm always good at this, this is just something that comes easy to me. Yeah, I just repainted that wall, but don't look at it because it's not professional. That's very, very common.
Speaker 1:So I think that's what we're going to be addressing today, isn't it? That's what we're chatting about in this week's episode of Get Real with the English Sisters Mind, health and anxiety. All you anxious people out there, let's say goodbye to anxiety and hello to well-being, to well-being and to a calm and peaceful mind. I think, think, which is something that we all really, really need, we do, we do, we do, we do. Indeed, we need it. Like we leaned it, we need it like, yeah, we breathe, we need to be able to calm our minds down and, um, and take a deep breath. Yeah, and I think, yeah, I think that, um, like I was listening to a podcast where people get very angsty on it, don't they? They get very like, they speak really fast and they're very anxious, and you mean people in general, or in general, yes, yes, yes, definitely it does. It does make oneself feel anxious, yes, but you mean when you're listening as well. Yes, I mean, our words are so frenetic already, yes, yes.
Speaker 1:So we, we want to sort of slow the pace down on this kind of podcast, because this is just us having a chat about things that we think are important as human beings, but also as therapists, because it just happens over and over again that we see how people and women, a lot of our women, tend to not be able to receive compliments. No, because we just say, well, it's natural, it comes naturally to us. Oh, no, you look lovely today. Well, yes, it also depends who you get the compliment of, because sometimes it's a compliment that's not really. I don't appreciate it. Sometimes, like if I'm talking about work and then someone will give me a compliment on how I look. Yeah, I don't like it. No, because it it? Because, in a way, especially if it comes from a man, yes, it diminishes. It's diminishing what you're saying if they say, oh, like here in italy, they have a constant habit of you know, the women are always like, um, beautiful, yes, they're not all beautiful, but it doesn't. We're not talking about beauty or non-beauty, but the women in general are judged a lot on their appearance.
Speaker 1:I think this is a worldwide thing, it's not just Italy. Yeah, that's all over the place. All over the place. Yeah, what, what on earth am I saying? You're absolutely right. Uh, is so that?
Speaker 1:I think that's why, as women, a lot of the times, if we're in a serious conference or we're doing something where we we're not expecting to be given a compliment oh, you look lovely, oh, I love that. You know you're thinking look, I'm here, I'm working. You don't necessarily have to say that to me right now. I want, I'm talking about something that's worth. You know, this is why you're saying that, something that's worth its weight in gold. Well, yeah, I'm giving you some important information. Please do not just say, oh, you're looking, that's worth its weight in gold. Well, yeah, I'm giving you some important information. Please do not just say, oh, you're looking hot today. I mean, it's totally not appropriate, absolutely. Is that what you were referring to? Yes, that would be atrocious.
Speaker 1:If you're looking hot today, yes, luckily that's not as bad as it used to be. Now it doesn't happen now. It happens a lot less nowadays. It used to be a more, it would be like. Even amongst our younger generation it happens a lot less. It does. Like your daughter, she's very young, yes, and she says but she says they do.
Speaker 1:People still do comment a lot. Comment, that's okay, it's like what you were saying. It depends on the context. Depends, that's okay, it's like what you were saying. It depends on the context. Depends on the context. Because if you, if you, even if you like, make an effort and you, you obviously people can see you've made an effort. So it's nice to say, oh, you look very smart today, that's fine. But it depends on when the compliments given. If you're actually in the middle of a speech and someone's just thinking, like what you said, you look hot or you've got you, you know you're very attractive or because it's not.
Speaker 1:It's not the kind of thing that you would say to a man in a conference. That's why, that's why it for us it does not. You do not receive it. Well, because the men yeah, he might look, be looking really hot, but it's not like the women in the room would come up to him and say, oh, you're looking hot today, you know? No, I mean, oh, you're looking gorgeous. No, they probably say, like, I'm really looking forward to what you have to say today to share with the room. Yes, let's see what you have to bring to this meeting. Or wow, your thoughts and ideas on this are great. You know, you don't expect. I think a man would probably be very surprised if he received a compliment like that. Even you know.
Speaker 1:So it's all about context and most of us know that anyway, we do know that, but then a lot. So those are the compliments that say maybe you're not so well received because you want a compliment about how professional you are, because the content you are. Context is wrong. If you're going out with your boyfriend or with your boyfriend and they say you look hot, that's a nice, most people will like that. Yes, that's what you're looking for, that's what and and.
Speaker 1:And we hope that you are able to fully receive that compliment, because a lot of the time, even when our loved ones and our partners say you're looking beautiful or you're looking lovely tonight, you can't fully absorb that because you're, you get in the way of yourself. You know you're blocking yourself, you have limiting beliefs or low self-esteem as well. You might be body conscious, so even if your partner's finding you absolutely tasty and hot as anything, and you're thinking, oh no, I've got a few whatever. Yes, yeah, my hair's not right, I'm overweight, I'm underweight, whatever it is, you are focusing on that and that is something that I think we all have to learn not to do. And we have to learn to like bite our tongues so that when somebody gives us a compliment, obviously in the right context and we know when it's right we have to learn to quieten ourselves for a few moments and literally you know if you're going to just blurt something out, actually quieten yourself. You know, bite your tongue, keep quiet and and say I want to absorb this, I will absorb this compliment, and you see it literally like a little box with a gift inside that somebody's giving you with all their love. So wouldn't it be rude just to push that box away and say, no, it's rude as well. So you're going to be able to receive that gift, open it up with all its beautiful paper and look at it and just absorb it and just say what do you say? You just smile and say thank you and you take it in and you absorb it and really feel that in your heart, feel it, go inside, you feel that compliment, like a pure and genuine gift, and isn't that lovely when you're able to do that. Well, it's like a warm hug, isn't it? Instead of rejecting a hug, it's always most of the time we're pushing away. Yeah, I find myself even saying it.
Speaker 1:The other day I was diminishing a compliment, I don't even know. Then I thought, no, me too. My husband said oh, I really like you when you've got your natural curly hair our hair's really curly and it was all like wild and I thought, gosh, I look like a this wild woman. And then I come inside and he says, wow, you look gorgeous, and and and he had this lovely smile and I thought don't push it away just because you think you look wild, you know. So I just absorbed it and I just liked it and I liked it, and I gave him a lovely smile back and I said thanks, yeah, and I actually consciously thought of it.
Speaker 1:So, now that we're talking about compliments, you know a lot of the times, even we that we know this stuff. We have to remind ourselves, well, I think. I think I think it's more a woman thing, though, to be fair, the men would love it and float in. Yes, because your husband definitely definitely gloats in it. When I tell him he looks lovely, he gloats in it. When I tell him he looks lovely, he gloats in it. I don't know exactly, though, obviously, what's going on, though, because a lot of the time, he could just be putting a brave face on, couldn't he? I don't know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think, obviously, men have all their own insecurities, same as women, but it is important, I think. I think they do like to accept the compliments more. Yes, they're more used to it, they're more like it. They haven't got all the, they haven't got all the baggage that goes with the compliment, like because we have expectations that we have to be perfect or we have to be a certain way, or we have to think in a certain way. Yes, there's a lot more constraints on us. Yes, still today, yes, still today, even at work, a woman, to prove herself, has to feels like she has to prove herself more than a man in her same exact position, which is ridiculous. Which is ridiculous. She has the right to be there, just as he has a right to be there, and they have the right to be there. So you know, the world is changing. However, it is still more. I think that women tend to worry more about these kind of things. So let's learn to receive these compliments and enjoy them to the full. I think let's remember to do that, all of us.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think, a lot of the times, people they're embarrassed themselves so they might give you like a compliment. Here, they call it like a reverse compliment. So when they denigrate you, they say the things that we denigrate are the things we appreciate more. Yeah, that's a rather odd expression. Yeah, no, I don't know either. It's like oh, I tease you because I think you're great. Yeah, so I might say give me an example.
Speaker 1:Well, I'm just thinking of, like when we wrote our book. Oh, yeah, we were teased about it. We were teased about it. Yeah, yeah, no, no, I mean, you've got to give, you know, our audience, some context. I don't even want to say, because it was so horrible, oh, yes, yes, no, we were teased about it from our family members. Yeah, that is so true, and that's that's actually quite common though, isn't it?
Speaker 1:You achieve something that you know that is rather extraordinary, because it was extraordinary for us and we can give ourselves that compliment, because we definitely we're not writers, we're not authors, you know, we, we were, we started as therapists and we decided to start writing books so that we could also express ourselves, and it was a lovely creative journey that we went on and, and and they were lovely, the books, they were good, and they got published, yes, by, uh, by a publishing house, and so that was great, and and we were jumping up for joy and and yet, you know, some of our closest family members weren't giving us the same kind of satisfaction Exactly. Maybe they were feeling excluded. Yeah, there's always reasons for other people's feelings, but that doesn't mean we can't acknowledge our own feelings. No, no, and accept that sometimes, if you receive like a compliment, like a reverse compliment, like they're teasing you about something, sometimes you can just say, well, I'm not accepting that. Oh, we did say we're not accepting it.
Speaker 1:I remember it was a big thing and it had to change, yes, definitely, and it did change, it did change, it did change very, very much. So what you're saying is, don't put up with, don't put up with it With kind of like these are not compliments, no, they're not. They're like yes, let's get it, let's get, let's take the cat out the bag. Yes, I mean, that wasn't really a compliment. It was kind of like saying, oh, I'm teasing you, yeah, I know how good you are, but yeah, come on, that's not like a compliment.
Speaker 1:That happens so much in families where you might get, you know, you might have close friends, close friends, very much so. So you're thinking, hmm, that's where you have to set the boundaries, I think, and say what you're actually saying is offending me. Yeah, so you may think it's a joke. Yeah, so you may think it's a joke. You may just be like, you know, think you're kind of just teasing me because you know me so well and you have the confidence to do this, but in reality, your words are offensive and I do not want to receive these words anymore, so I will not receive them. That's the opposite of what we were saying before, with a gift, we can choose not to open them and not to receive them exactly and to say I'm not going to absorb that, I'm not going to receive this and um, yeah, I mean, I'm thinking like today.
Speaker 1:That can happen a lot on social media as well. There could be some comments that can be very offensive and you can decide not to read them and not to receive them Exactly and to block them. And to block them, yes, I guess that's kind of easier than with family members. Well, with family, you have to put your foot down. You have to put your foot down and you have to set the boundaries and explain. Just say I'm not having that, yes, and if they love you and respect you, in the end they will listen to your words, because a lot of the time, it's you that have to set your own boundaries for things like this. I think that's a good point. Yeah, you do have to set your own boundaries and also respected with compliments as well about your appearance.
Speaker 1:If you really don't appreciate people commenting on your appearance because it's not the right, it's not the right context or it's not the right time, it's not the right person, it's like here in italy they say who, kitty conosce, who knows you like, who gives you the right to say something to me that you've just met me, you know? Yes, so, yes, it's, it's, it's out of, out of place, it's, it's not the right kind of uh, compliment, exactly. So there's a time and a place for these things as well, isn't there as is there for everything in life? Yeah, it's not the right time, it's not the right, not the right moment. You have to read the room, like what you always say. You read the room. What context am I in? Is this the right kind of context to give this kind of compliment? Even though you might want to give that compliment? Well, I think that's when you have to bite your own tongue. Yes, you have to say no, hang on a second.
Speaker 1:Someone actually did apologize the other day as well, because they gave me a compliment about you and then yeah, about you being a therapist, and then they actually had to apologize. It was a man, ah, and he had to say oh, no, sorry, that's not, that's not right. I shouldn't have said that. Right, there you go. So because it was out of, it was out of, it was nothing to do with therapy, no, okay, yeah, so it's, it's.
Speaker 1:I think it can be tricky, because if you love giving compliments or you're just a person that doesn't really think before you speak, you can just blurt it out. But I think you do have to learn to moderate, don't you? Because that can give you anxiety as well. Because I mean, afterwards this man was mortified and he was very, he was very apologetic and just realized it was totally out of place. The compliment is given and he was like trying to say, oh, no, sorry, I'm, I'm so sorry. I said that I shouldn't have said that. I said no worries, but really, yeah, it's, I didn't like it. No, no, I know, yes, yes, these things are can happen. No, obviously, I mean they can happen and we can understand why they happen. But yeah, uh, you want to be in when you're talking about work or you're talking about you know, whatever it is.
Speaker 1:If somebody talks about something that's completely different, you're like where are we? What's got this got to do with it? Yes, you know, I'm eating a salad and and then somebody says, oh, wasn't that steak? Isn't that steak delicious? Or it's not a steak. I'm eating salad at the moment. So it's, it's completely out of context. It's. It's out of context. So you, you, you're not in the right place to understand it or to be able to appreciate it exactly. Is that? Is that right? I mean? I think so. Yeah, I don't know.
Speaker 1:I think you should think those of you listening should think what compliments to resonate most with you, which ones do you prefer or that you really liked? Have you ever received a compliment that really like, set you alight, that you felt, oh, wow, that's made my day? I mean, so many compliments can make your day? Yes, absolutely, yeah. Yeah, I mean, your daughter said to you that you, you were a wonderful mother the other day and I had a lovely compliment from my son as well who said mum, don't worry, you know you've done a great job with us and you know you've given us this sturdy, solid background. So we're okay, you know. And I thought, oh, you know, that's such a lovely compliment to receive and I love that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you know, because when they're adults and they say, when they're teenagers, you know, you think, oh, my goodness, you know they're like saying, oh, we, we had, we had trauma when we were children. You know, know, you shouted at us and this, and they remember all these things and you think, gosh. And then when they finally grow up, they say, no, it was wonderful, we had a lovely childhood. You know, that was lovely, that's true. So there are some compliments that are great.
Speaker 1:Or we've had compliments from our clients as well, who give us the most amazing compliments, and that, oh, that's the best. Yes, yeah, I think for us, it's when you feel as if you've made a difference in someone else's life because of what you've been able to contribute that makes us the happiest, that gives us the most satisfaction. Yes, when they say, look, I managed to do this and I did get on that plane. They have great dreams and they were able to fly in every sense of the word. You know, get out of being stuck, break free from the limiting beliefs, be able to see how wonderful they truly are. Well, I had a lovely compliment now, not to say my own praising, because it does sound like you're boasting, yeah, doesn't it? It does, it does sound like it it does. But I had a lovely compliment from my, from my children yeah, my grown-up children now to say how lovely and calm I am as a parent, like even as as a parent to adult children. I, they, they said how lovely, what calm you're, so, loving presence. Yeah, you know you're everything, you're easy going, everything's okay when you're around, kind of thing, which is really lovely. Yeah, that that's lovely. And also that you've always got time for me, because I know that they say that their friends, a lot of their parents, aren't available, emotionally available. They're always busy, always looking at their phones or working or doing something. They don't actually stop and say listen, I'm here. I think that's incredible. That is a real gift to be emotionally available, like what you said, nowadays to anybody, I think, just to actually stop and listen, with friends as well.
Speaker 1:I was at the bank the other day. In the bank, what's it called? The bank teller? That's the old fashioned word, the old fashioned word, I mean these really old fashioned words, just teller. I mean the lady behind the desk. She was, uh, she was like touching her forehead and she had this big like oh frown line and I said, oh, it's, it's been a tough day today. And she said, oh, you have no idea. And I said, are you perhaps not feeling very well, she goes, I've actually got a really horrible headache, yeah, and just being able to be there emotionally for her and she was just saying, oh, it's, it's. I can't wait to go on holiday and I'm really stressed and I was saying, you know, maybe just take a few deep breaths and, you know, take something if you can do. You want me to go and get you something. I know sometimes caffeine can help.
Speaker 1:She was so grateful afterwards, you know, because she was, she, really connected, and this is a lady who most of the time does have a frown and she doesn't look very happy. You know who she is. Yeah, this is a small town and I thought, you know, maybe she just needs somebody to actually look at her and and see her for one moment, besides her being just her job. You know, I'd get this done, get that for me quick, you know. And there, and, and she really looked at me and I got a lovely smile and now when she phones me up, she always uses my first name and he's always really happy hello. Yeah, it does make a difference. It makes a difference.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, let us know what your favorite compliment is and are you able to receive that compliment fully and truly? And maybe one day you can just spend a couple of hours just writing down all the compliments you've ever received and keep them, like on a little special piece of paper, wow, a couple of hours. Well, yeah, because you obviously have to think about it, don't you? They don't just come flooding to you. No, you're absolutely right, you think about it, just you know, just come flooding to you. No, you're absolutely right, yeah, think about it. Yeah, you know, when you're in the garden or in a park, and just you know, allow your money along and, and then, and then, actually, and maybe think about the ones that you've actually, you know, sent off off on their way and think, no, I'm gonna collect them. Oh, yes, the ones that you weren't able to open, the ones that you weren't able to receive.
Speaker 1:Think about them as well. There's so many of them all the time that arrive, do you know? I'm just thinking that so many marriages end as well because that one of the in the couples, one of the people, cannot receive to receive a compliment and they deflect them, and the other, so common, so the other one gets so frustrated by it all the time. Yeah, yeah, that happens a lot, a lot. They cannot receive it because of their own low self-esteem and because of the. The blockages, like these walls, come up automatically.
Speaker 1:The the moment the gift is never opened, the gift is pushed away and never, never opened. It can become so frustrating for the person that's giving you that thing. How many gifts do they have to give you and how many times do you have to never open that gift? It can become exhausting in the end for the person that's sending it. You know it's a message that's never being received, never being opened, never being truly appreciated can be very, very tiring. So think about that.
Speaker 1:Think about that, write them all down and let us know. And you can also see the video on YouTube where you can see us and we are therapists. We're here to help, also here to have a nice chat with you. That's why we do this podcast. Please do subscribe, please follow us, because it makes a huge difference. It makes a huge difference yes, it does For our searchability, for our podcasting. Now I think we're listening to in more than 101 countries. It said wow and hello to japan, because a lot of new listeners there, hello, bye, bye from the english sisters, see you next week, bye.
