Get Real With The English Sisters - Mind Health Anxiety
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Get Real With The English Sisters - Mind Health Anxiety
The Vulnerability of Asking and Why It Matters in Relationships
Why do we expect others to read our minds? That moment when you're feeling down and desperately want comfort, yet resent having to explicitly ask for it—we've all been there. This deeply human experience forms the heart of our conversation about the vulnerability of asking for what we need.
The struggle to make direct requests transcends all relationships but becomes particularly pronounced with romantic partners. As we discuss, even in a 30-year marriage, the expectation that your partner should "just know" you need a hug can create resentment when they fail to notice. This tension between wanting to be understood intuitively and needing to communicate clearly affects us at home and work alike.
What makes asking so difficult? We explore how vulnerability lies at the core—the fear of rejection, cultural differences in communication styles, and the discomfort of putting ourselves in a position where others might say no. One of us shares our experience with cultural differences in relationships, where British expectations around care clash with our husband's Italian background. These differences highlight how our upbringing shapes our comfort with direct requests versus subtle hints.
The workplace adds another dimension where many employees hope for recognition without having to ask for it. We discuss strategies for seeking positive feedback without seeming needy and the surprising research showing that verbal appreciation often motivates employees more than financial rewards. Whether you're struggling to ask for a promotion or simply wanting acknowledgment for your hard work, learning to articulate your needs clearly becomes essential.
Start small—this becomes our practical takeaway. Begin by asking for simple things like a cup of tea or feedback on a presentation, then gradually work toward bigger requests. This builds confidence while reducing the vulnerability that makes asking so difficult. Remember, no one—not even your closest partner—can truly read your mind. Taking the risk to communicate clearly might just transform your relationships in ways you never expected.
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Do we really need to spell things out all the time? Do we really have to ask for things, or should people just sort of kind of know what we want? Just know by, like, how we, you know, how we are, kind of how we are so Mind reading? I suppose Kind of. But sometimes you think, especially if you're with a partner, you would expect them to know, and that's what we're going to be talking about in this week's episode. Get real with the English sisters, join us and please do leave a comment and subscribe and follow us on Instagram and Facebook or wherever you like, really wherever you get your social media fix Right. So let's get down to the nitty-gritty about. Do we have to ask? I mean, sometimes it's like that you feel why don't they know what I need, especially when it's a partner? I think I'm laughing because exclusively well, mostly when it's a partner, mostly when it's a partner, sometimes, Mostly when it's a partner, sometimes, you like, even at work, you would think surely they should know. They should know I'm overworked, they should know this. Can't they see that I'm so busy? Why are they coming to me now and asking me for this? They should know. Do I really have to ask for more time off or you know you would expect, but especially when we're talking about partners, yeah, but I think you've hit on the nail there.
Speaker 1:Also with work, because I remember that my daughter's boyfriend was telling me that he is where he works in the lab. He says often he gets like a line of people waiting for him to help them and when he's really busy doing an experiment or something and he thinks can't they see? Yeah, he thinks why can't they see how busy I am? Yeah, literally do I have to wear a vest, like what they did that test in? He says sometimes he even wears the headphones on purpose because he's got his own work to do. So he says that of course he loves helping other people, but he says he finds it very difficult to actually get on with his own work. Yeah, because it's true of you being constantly distracted.
Speaker 1:It's like that experiment in the UK where the nurses actually had to wear vests and it was like a red vest and it said do not disturb med. Uh, like they're doing their medication round. That was it because they were actually giving out the meds, because after a study was done that so many errors were made in medication leading to life-threatening situations because of the distraction that was going on within the nurses and they were just constantly excuse me, excuse me, this was happening with, uh, with, with, from doctors, from other colleagues more than from, you know, any of the patients, and they said that wearing those vests actually helped them do a really much better job and the the margin of error was down to like 0.3 or something compared to I don't know what it was before, but it was high enough for them to some kind of alarm to go off. You know thinking, why are the nurses getting distracted like that? So that was like a little thing in brackets, but I think it's along the same kind of lines as the nurses would think. Can't you see, I'm busy, yeah, busy that we're doing the rounds, yeah, constantly, I'm busy, I'm busy. Well, they just put vests on and said I'm busy, do not disturb me. I bet you they still got disturbed. Well, no, they said it was dramatic. The people would see these doctors and colleagues.
Speaker 1:No, no, the odd one. No, because you're giving out medications. It's an important thing. You have to be careful and concentrate with the right dose, etc.
Speaker 1:But anyway, yeah, I mean it's about asking. Is asking is a kind of a tough one, I think, because it puts you into more of a vulnerable position, I, I think, when you have to ask. Yes, I think that's. I think that's why we don't like asking for things, because we kind of feel a bit vulnerable about it. Yeah, don't you think? I'm thinking maybe it was how we were brought up as well, culturally. Yeah, children don't ask, don't be quiet, kind of thing. Yeah, that could also be like from our generation. We're more like, perhaps more prone to this, not wanting to ask. But I think this is this goes through all kind of generations. I think it just makes you feel vulnerable.
Speaker 1:For example, you're in a situation you're with your partner, you're feeling sad about something, you've had a bad day and you're almost feeling like crying. I mean, that was a bit like me, like the other morning, for example, with my husband. I was, I've had this bad shatica pain sciatica, I think it's say and and it was just so annoying and and it. I've had it already for like a month and I did all the exercise. I thought I got rid of it and then the other day it just came back again and I thought, oh no, not again. I just wanted to go on with my regular activities. And now I'm like blocked again and I and I was having like a little feeling really sorry for myself, having a little tear come down.
Speaker 1:And then I could see he was just saying, oh yeah, just sort of like ignoring me, having his breakfast, and I and I actually had to think, oh, I'm going to have to ask for a hug now, I'm going to have to actually ask for it. And I thought in my head, do I really have to ask for it, can't you see? And then when I asked for it, then he got up and he came around, he said, all right, and he gave me a lovely hug. But it kind of made me feel even more vulnerable having to ask for it. So did you feel better afterwards or not? But yeah, I kind of did. Or did you have a little bit of resentment? Why can't he just do it? Yeah, I had a bit of resentment.
Speaker 1:So then it made me think about it because I thought why can't he just do these on his own? These you like these hugs, these kind of signs of affection, these, yeah, but there's other signs that he does. Of course, he always goes for action. Yes, call the doctor, take action. I, I knew all the action. I'm already doing everything else for my health, so I I knew the actions I had to take. So what? That's his love language, that you do have to spell it out sometimes, and it's worth making the effort to spell it out, it is worth it. And then I kind of like doing it more and more now with this, maybe you can teach your partner the kind of things that you like, so that eventually you won't have to keep asking no, of course you can teach. You would think I would be able to do this. We've been married for more than 30 years. You would think I would have taught him by now, because this is not a new relationship.
Speaker 1:But sometimes you forget these things and you're continually evolving, evolving and you forget to ask. It's just like I forget that I used to make a certain recipe, like years and years ago, and I completely forgot. I had that like my weekly plan, you're right, my meal plan. You think, oh, yeah, we used to eat that or whatever. It was rice, and that seems as if it's got nothing to do with what we're talking about, but it has, because the same as you may forget yourself what to do, yeah, your partner also evolves and forgets your needs or they don't realize that that's how you want to be. And then sometimes, the longer you're in a relationship, the more like you form habits and you get into your head more, yeah, your own head more, yeah. Yeah, that's true, yeah, and you might forget that the other person needs your help more than what you actually think they do, Because they don't ask for it. Because they don't ask for it, yeah, you're right about that. Yeah, I am getting more. I'm like giving more hugs out as well, especially after we did that podcast on physical touch. Yeah, so I mean, that was good because you're implementing it. And I mean, too, it's.
Speaker 1:It's amazing to think that, yes, asking for something does make you more vulnerable, but then it also opens you up to receive it, to receive, yeah, ask, what's it? That's your last receive, something like that ask, ask and you will receive. Yeah, I mean you want to not always receive, and maybe that's where the problem stems, that you might have had that knockback the fear of rejection. Yeah, rejection in the past, obviously, that's what when I say I feel like you're more vulnerable because you might get rejected In the case of a hug from your partner. It's unusual you'll get rejected for that, unless you're having an argument or something.
Speaker 1:But in the case of, perhaps in other situations where you have to learn to ask more for things, then you could, you could well be rejected. Yes, you could well have some kind of a rejection at work, for example, if you say no, I'm sorry, I want to ask for a promotion because I deserve it. Well, yeah, especially in case of a promotion, there's always more money and that you could. Maybe. Why don't you value my services? Can't you think how much money I'm bringing to the company? Can't you think that you could just raise my? You know, give me a promotion, yeah.
Speaker 1:And whereas if you if you may be the person that doesn't like to ask for it, you want them to kind of see that you're worth it and see the value you're getting. That that is definitely an issue there with the promotion. I think that's one of the main things that people think about when they think about asking in their job. But it could be just things like not as big as a promotion, but just like you kind of want praise, like you want to, you would like your boss or your superior to come to say, oh you really good job there, but you don't get it because they just expect you to do a good job because that's what you've been producing so far and they, they kind of expect that of you and that's just like, oh, tick he, she with them, they did it great, and but you would like some kind of uh, so that that that can make you feel vulnerable as well to actually go up to yours.
Speaker 1:How are you gonna ask for that, though? Yeah, it's kind of like a bit difficult, isn't it? But you, really, how can you say I want praise? I don't think you say I want praise, but you might say, um, what, what? Yeah, did you? Did you like the presentation I did last week, or something. They say, sure, yeah, great, great job. You know, you might actually ask for more feedback in that case and try and do it something more professionally.
Speaker 1:Really, you just want to say, yeah, you're great, you did a great job, and some people need this kind of praise more than others, and it doesn't make you weak or different if you do need that kind of praise. It can really be helpful in a job to get that kind of praise. Well, I think it's very encouraging. It's really encouraging and it can make you feel more motivated. A lot of the time you might not get that praise, though, but I think if you can learn to sort of say if you've got any feedback, um, they might think you're what you're what you're doing, but eventually they will give it to you, they'll give it to you.
Speaker 1:Let's hope they don't give you negative feedback, though, because some bosses they only look for the negative. Yeah, that's why it's like sometimes a bit scary when you use the word feedback. Yeah, because they will typically think, actually you could have done better, when all you wanted was oh, good, good job, you know that was great. So, yeah, you're right about that. You can get the negative feedback. Maybe you should frame it in the way were you happy with the presentation? Yeah, I think you're right about that. Yeah, I think you know. I think it went quite well. What do right about that? I think you know I think it went quite well. What do you think? Yeah, that's it. What do you think about the last? Uh, I was really, I was really pleased with it. Maybe something like that. Yeah, because if you do ask for feedback, you'll probably get the negative. You'll probably get some positive and some negative if you're already in the position, because obviously, if you're not thinking about this, you've obviously got someone you work for. That's always yeah. And giving you lovely feedback, yeah, or saying, oh, that was lovely, great, along those lines.
Speaker 1:It may be that you're not, you're not getting it, and they say that that's what most people want, yeah, more than any financial rewards exactly. They just want to say, oh god, that's a great job. I mean, I know somebody, somebody who works in the family business. He needs that all the time. He needs great job, fantastic. So I've learned that and now I do that, and we all do it with that particular person because we know that's what they're going to thrive, that's what's going to motivate them. And very often I can hear himself he, you know, like saying it to himself this is a great job, we're so, you know we're, we're fantastic, yeah, we're doing good, and so then you can you can also add that, so maybe that's a way of getting around it as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:I just do think that in relationships, especially you, you have to remember that the other person isn't a mind reader. Yes, definitely that sometimes they have been brought up differently to you. There could be cultural differences as well that you may not be used to. Yeah, so I mean, you've got cultural differences, totally, totally. Yeah, there's no making you a cup of tea, love, like in England. He almost thinks he's Italian. Oh, yeah, he doesn't think of tea, no way. And since there is, everything is the opposite, he wants you to make him a cup of tea, exactly, yeah, it is that cultural background, and especially from 30 years ago. It really was, you know, the, the sweet sex as they call it here that you know that the, the women that were the ones that were the caretakers and making all the stuff. So it was very different to like when we were brought up in the uk, where it was the men who would massage a lady's feet and make the tea and spoil them, and spoil them more because the ladies did so much work already. Exactly, it was the opposite. So it's like, hey, so it's been a lot of teaching there and uh, that's, that's just totally cultural. It really is. It does make such a difference and sometimes people don't consider a cultural difference.
Speaker 1:What's what's maybe considered like yes, you should ask for a promotion, you should should fight for your rights. Oh, definitely In other cultures, maybe in the Western culture, yeah, it's considered very rude, rude, yeah, and you know you don't do that. You wait, you wait, yeah, you wait to be given, you wait to be praised, you wait to be whatever, any kind of acknowledgement. You have to sort of take that into account as well when you're thinking. Definitely, you have to spell it out. Sometimes you really do, you really really do. You have to ask and, uh, you shall receive. Yeah, and you, you will receive.
Speaker 1:A lot of times it's important to say that it can make or break relationships, because sometimes these things can just fester if you don't ask for them and you can just think this person really doesn't care about me. Yeah, they really don't get me, they don't care. They've just seen me go off, looking so upset and they're not coming running after me. You might expect that you, in your culture, you might think, oh, they should be running after me now and they might not because they might not. I just think you need space, exactly. Maybe they don't want someone running after them and they think, no, I want to be quiet now. So they think, okay, give them respect. Yeah, that's so true, that is so true.
Speaker 1:They cannot mind read. They just cannot, no matter how long they've been with you, they probably know and they can predict certain circumstances, especially after a long time. They think, oh, I better do that or that, but they still can't mind read. No, that brings to mind, uh, our little otto, that he, he kind of mind, he does mind read how you pets, I think. Yeah, it's a little dog. Yeah, they can sense when you're um, when you need a hug or when you don't, when you don't want one, when you want to be like quiet, like when I get up in the mornings.
Speaker 1:If, if he knows I'm still half asleep, he won't come and jump on me. No, oh, really, yeah, oh, he came and jumped on me. All right, because when I, when I did, when I looked after him on holidays, that's because he was more excited. Yeah, yes, he's not used to it. Was he disappearing off upstairs into the bedroom, he would come running up like no to me. If you can see your point, maybe because you're wide awake in the morning. When you wake up you're not half asleep like I am sometimes. If I'm half asleep and I'm just pottering around really slowly, he'll look like really he understands it, or yawn as well, and other times, when he's more lively, he'll come jumping up on me maybe. Yeah, maybe I don't realize it. Yeah, I am quite wide awake in the morning, I don't know about boisterous, still quite quiet, probably livelier than you. Yeah, yeah, probably don't know, it depends on the days, really, obviously.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so you mean that pets and like animals understand more in a way. In a way, they like, maybe read the body language more. They know your patterns more, like what you said. Don't you know me by now? They can get to know you a bit more maybe than because they don't have the language barrier. I suppose because a lot of the times, the words we say are not not what we really want. Sometimes we might say, yeah, I just want to be alone right now, and sometimes that may be true, but sometimes what you really need is a big cuddle and, um, I mean, I never say that because whatever I say, I mean. But this is complex in many relationships where we know that many people say different things but their body is like testing. Sometimes they do it to test the partner as well, to see if they really are in tune with them or not. Yeah, the testing phase, yeah, that's definitely true. Yeah, that that can be tricky for many, for many people, because it's even harder.
Speaker 1:Some people say don't play games with me, just tell me yeah, tell me straight, yeah, definitely, yeah, whereas the animals don't have that. Don't play games because they know, because your body is telling you they, they're in sync with the body language. They can tell, they can, they can like, feel these emotions more, but with the language you get all these. That's why it's important to sit down and talk a lot about what your expectations are, how you want, if you're somebody that wants to just give it to me real, you know, or if you don't mind having these little games every now and again. Yeah, and sometimes maybe you have to respect the game, yeah, definitely, the game playing, absolutely sometimes. That's what people need. That's what they need to be.
Speaker 1:They don't like to be so straightforward. They can't. No, they can't. It's part of the relationship. They find it like almost offensive for them to be so straightforward and just to ask for things and just say, look, yeah. They say, surely, surely do I have to? You know, do I have to really spell it out like that? It's so rude for me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, I think you, if you are in a relationship like that you have to come to a bit to terms with it. You have to come to accept it, to acceptance, and also to like be a bit flexible, both of you so sort of come to middle ground. Yeah, saying like, okay, if I ask for something, give it to me. Give it to me, yeah, like don't you know? This is something I've thought about for a while. So, yeah, I suppose. So yeah, no, but also like to be more respectful of each other. Yes, that's the utmost respect, to understand each other's needs, personalities, go into their shoes a bit more, sort of see what they need. Absolutely, yeah, definitely. Well, let us know what you need and how you find.
Speaker 1:Do you have to spell things out in your relationships or at work? A lot of us do, unfortunately, because I'm not really one that likes to spell it out. No, sometimes I am, it depends. No, that's a bit. No, you do you know how to ask for what you want, sure, yeah, yeah, yeah, sometimes it's a skill. The more you do, it, baby steps. You start by asking for tiny little things. Yeah, for things like for a cup of tea and hugs. Yeah, small things. And then afterwards you can elaborate on to larger things, like all the kind of issues that you want to deal with, especially in relationships or at work as well. Yeah, and please do hit the like button and come and follow us, and hit the subscribe button on YouTube too, because it does help us grow and we really appreciate all of you. Our podcast is growing with you, too. Wonderful. Lots of love, lots of love From the English Sisters. Bye-bye.
