Your Brain HATES Prediction Errors And That’s Why You Snap

We explore why anger surges when life does not match our expectations and how simple shifts in prediction, planning, and communication can help us stay grounded. Stories from trains, shops, golf courses, and home show how tiny triggers point to bigger patterns.

• the brain’s prediction error as a driver of anger
• everyday triggers that generalise into global frustration
• relationship clashes caused by hidden expectations
• how “calm down” backfires when someone is flooded
• scripts that help people feel heard and de-escalate
• injustice and respect as amplifiers of rage
• planning buffers and pessimistic prep to reduce triggers
• holidays as audits that surface unprocessed feelings
• building slack, naming needs, and debriefing patterns

Do come and join us on YouTube where you can see the video, and do come and say hi on Instagram and tell us when anger got the better of you and how you wished that it hadn’t, and what you might do in the future to stop this happening again

Chapters

• 0:00 Why Anger Erupts
• 0:52 Prediction Errors And The Brain
• 3:04 Everyday Triggers And Overreactions
• 6:39 From Delays To Generalized Anger
• 10:39 Relationships And Clashing Expectations
• 14:28 Feeling Unheard And Escalation
• 18:03 Holiday Stress And Hidden Baggage
• 21:45 Planning Ahead To Prevent Rage
• 23:37 Practical Mindset Shifts
• 24:00 Closing And Community Invite

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

You know that feeling when anger just bubbles up inside you and you feel as if you're going to explode? I think we've all had that. And some of us can have it more often than not. So I think it's it's an important thing that we discuss because it's it's not a nice feeling to have, is it? It's something we have to learn to manage, really. Yeah for the benefit of ourselves and for the people around us, of course. Yeah, especially, yeah, especially for the people around us, colleagues, families, everybody really. Nobody likes to be around somebody that's constantly, you know, going to uh get furious and blow their top. Yeah, blow their top every five minutes. That's what we're going to be chatting about in this week's episode of Get Real with the English sisters, mind health and anxiety. We are therapists, hypnotherapists to be precise, and we are here to help you feel calmer and feel better about your daily day. I think it's when your expectations are not there. I do think that's really it because our brain does like to predict. We we're always constantly predicting what's going to happen next. That's that's how our brain functions, actually. We can predict, we know that when we get out, we're going to predict walking towards a bathroom. We and then we end up doing when there's no water. When there's no water, that drives us crazy. When they've cut the water supply off, that can bring about a lot of anger. Oh, the boiler's not working. Yeah, exactly. So it's freezing. Because that's not what hopefully normally happens in everyday life. You wake up, you get your trip to the bathroom, everything is is under normal conditions, so it's working. But when it doesn't work, when things that don't work, even like with our own health, sometimes when things don't work with our health, we can get angry. We can get really angry. We can get really angry and frustrated and uh because what our expectations are that we were supposed to be, you know, functioning and normal, and then we end up maybe that day we've got a horrible headache or something. And that can even make us feel angry because we're angry at the fact that we have a headache, we're angry that we're not functioning properly. So there's the the the underlying reason to the anger is simply because there's a prediction error, the reality is not what we expected to see. And so, like this error, error, error fires off in our brain. It's like, what's happening? You know, we get this signal that something is in error, something is not going by the default way, something has happened that's made us feel that something different, and that can cause all that anger right now. It's shocking, isn't it? So it's like when you drive to work and all of a sudden you see these road works, and you're not expecting to see them because you you didn't know about them for a start, and then these men are just blocking the road and they're doing their job fine, and you realize that you there is no reason to be angry at them, but you become furious because that wasn't part of your prediction. Your prediction was just to be able to get to work, do your normal route, and everything to go okay. Or the government or the you know, exactly the work, the whole world, it can really blow up and you can really start generalizing, and then it becomes like generalized anger, like everyone's out to get me, nothing works, and you can feel even more frustrated and angry. I remember it in the UK when I used to get the trains all the time, and a lot of time there was uh train delays. And still are I mean, there still are, but they were that there was like this general uh bubbling of but i if everything went well, it was just normal. Just okay, train, train, the train will arrive on time. You would just get on the train and go off. I used to go to college wherever you had to go. But as soon as you heard that like warning, there will be a delay. That voice. I can I mean how you I remember looking around me, there were so many angry people. I remember once seeing a man, he actually had his newspaper, he was reading it, he rolled it up, he used to read newspapers in those days, and he literally threw it down to the floor, and then it was a whole massive. I mean, this was a gentleman as well. No, there's no no, there was no, he wasn't. There's no limit. There's no limit, so it's not because the anger takes you, it takes you. But it just took him, and I thought, and he was the newspaper, it like fell really close to where the the the train passes. What's it called? The train rails the tracks, and I thought, God, he's gonna lose that. He's not gonna go and get it. When he didn't, because he didn't, he just left it, he threw it down with such a wild rage. I was thinking about when we were we were playing golf the other day, and they were at this. I mean, that's a privilege, isn't it, to be able to play golf privilege. You're supposed to be enjoying it. I mean, okay, it was uh like a competition, but still it was like a Saturday and calm. No, and then someone threw their golf club into the trees. I mean, it's really into the trees. Into the trees. In a fit of rage. In a fit of rage. Why? Because what he'd imagined in order to hit it properly. There was a prediction error. Error, error, error, error, error fires off a fire signal which causes anger. And it's and that, I mean, everyone found it amusing, but because it was a few. It wasn't amusing for him, and it also it it wasn't amusing for the tree, or if anyone had been around, they could have got hurt. So I mean it's like it's against the etiquette of imagine golf club. I mean, that's worse than the newspaper. Golf bags, very expensive, and everything into lakes in fits of anger. There you go. Because they're that that that's such a classical example. Which is very difficult well, and they can't match it doesn't it doesn't match their expectations. They're not getting a frivolous conversation, but it's it shows that in reality it's the same thing. If you can't, if you like if you end up, you say you want to buy a house and you you you can't get the the job you need and the salary you need to buy that house, you can end up being really angry, and it can be like it can go into stages of like chronic anger where you just it just kind of bubbles up inside you every day, causing sadness, it can even cause depression, and it it affects your life and everyone's life around you. Yeah, because it's chronic, isn't it? I do, yeah. These chronically angry people that are just mad about everything. And there's usually there's an explanation behind it for some maybe some past trauma that's happened, or just you just expected things to be different. Maybe you had a more privileged upbringing, and then you find yourself struggling, or you you you expect your parents believe that your parents have higher expectations of you than you have of yourself, and that causes frustration and anger. So a lot of the time it happens in relationships as well. I was thinking because you expect that person to be a certain way because based on your beliefs, or based on perhaps how you were brought up. So, saying you had like a mother who was extremely nurturing and always fussing over you, for example, and then you find that your partner's is different, and it doesn't, and and at first you you like that, yes, because it's a novelty, and you think, wow, your brain is slightly uh tantalized by it, and you think, Oh, that's exciting, hey, you know, that's all that the beginning you've got all the flood of hormones and love hormones and all the lust, etc. etc. is going on in your mind, and then afterwards you start, hey, that's not, you know, this person is not doing what, you know, it's not matching what I expect. So, like if I'm uh I I I'm I'm a woman and I I was gonna say obviously, no, it doesn't make any difference, but I am a woman, and I uh and I would have expected in since my father was a very kind, gentle person, for example, and I was brought up by a very kind, calm person, I expected my husband, which is very naive because he's Italian, he's very, very kind. There's nothing. No, that that's also, yes, that's also wrong. That's a big generalization. Sorry, yeah, but it is a big generalization, yes. That's a generalization, but in general, we know that they have putting me on the spot here. They have a little bit more of a temper. They don't really, though, do they? Not really. No, that is a massive generalization. I don't know. It just happened to be that your husband does. He just happens to fit the stereotype. Yes, he does, and so he he was like fiery, and you know, he was so different that it did not match at first what I kind of thought was supposed to be a husband and wife relationship. Yes, yeah, so that was quite surprising for me. And so that could, you know, at the especially at the beginning, that used to make me feel anger because it didn't match. Yes, and I think I carried this built-up anger without realizing it. Yeah, we were just turning into a therapy session. Yeah, it's very common. I didn't know that the that that this cause that you you you expected him to be different. Probably. I mean, I didn't realise I expected him. I did not realise it at first. But the thing about anger that sometimes it it creeps up on you, you don't realise why you are angry. It's but but but that's a reason why, because you have an expectation based on something that you lived in your life. Well, yes. And and I and and that was not what I expected. No, because dad was very, very calm. He was a super calm. Unless he got angry, then he might curse in Hungarian a few words, but we didn't understand them. Yeah, we have so for us it didn't really mean much. Well, it was And he didn't shout or anything, he would just like mutter it under his breath. Yeah. So and do a few little hand gestures. So it was very calm. Very, very, very calm. He was like it was like a quiet. I can imagine that being a lot different to the city. Can you see to what I thought relationships like my husband's marriage your husband is like very, very, very similar? Yeah, similar. You found a similar kind of personality, whether the personality that uh happened to end up in my life was so different. It was different. That I think that is different. That caused a lot of anger in me because I I used to think, well, how can you blow up for that? You know reason. How can you get angry for that? That's absolutely absurd. Do you remember when I told that now? I'm I it is coming to mind now. Do you remember when I gave you the advice that you had to blow up to? Yes. To kind of match his to show him because he was thinking that you weren't taking his anger seriously because you remain calm. I was so calm because I was thinking I couldn't. I couldn't really understand it. I thought, well, why? Why you but when you got angry back, he kind of understood it and things got better, didn't they? They did. He kind of understood more. Yeah, it was like a miscommunication. He was like communicating through not that we recommend you do. No, no, no, not at all. But sometimes, but there are reasons as therapists. If you can understand where the other person is coming from, you can meet them at uh in the same way, and then that can allow the waters to calm because they feel heard exactly because if somebody's shouting at you and you're saying something like calm down, yeah, that's no, that's not gonna help. No, not when they're in a rage. If you say calm down, that it they do not calm down. Most of the time, they the best thing if you don't know what to say is to remain silent, and then you can say something like, I hear you, I can hear you. Yeah, you know, you can you can make sure that you're hearing what they're saying because a lot of the time the anger is coming from that, isn't it? Obviously, as well, if you're in a if you're with somebody, obviously if you're working with the public, yes, and it's someone non-violent, yes, yes. We're just talking about physical anger, verbal uh anger, normal, normal heated dishes heated, yes. Because uh apparently I'm saying everything wrong today. No, there's no good because this is what this podcast is about. It's a genuine conversation, it's a genuine yet, you know, it's not it's not AI-based at all. AI generated or it's what comes up, it's what is natural, this is what's true coming up. It is naturally coming up, yeah. Yeah, I mean, it's it's true when if you if you have somebody that that fires up in front of you and you stay calm, they can also see that calmness as a as a you know, like what you're doing? You're you're you know, you're like taking the Mickey out of me. Why you know, why are you just ignoring me, kind of thing? So if you do match them a little bit, but not so much. You you said you I remember it was hilarious because you said just swear back in Italian. The same words he used. Exactly the same word, because I said he he said like these swear words. Another thing, our father would never swear. We never in Hungarian. In Hungarian, but obviously, yeah, we didn't kind of understand that, but but you you're right, yeah, it's probably swearing his head off in Hungarian. But we don't know, it's probably terrible, but yeah to think about it. It's hilarious, actually. But we didn't understand Hungarian as lit when we were little, so we had no idea. We knew they were swear words. We did, because mum told us. She said, Oh dear, he's really mad. Yeah, he's talking Hungarian, and I don't think they're kind words at the moment. She was I don't think they're very nice, just as well. None of us uh can understand them. So we're just kind of taking the Mickey out of him a little bit. No, she wasn't. She would give him time to cool off, she would walk away. Yes, she would say, No, no, we must leave him now alone. Yeah, she would go away, literally physically move away. I mean, it was so rare. This would happen like once every two years. Yeah, it happened like four times in our lifetime. Exactly, exactly. I mean, it was extremely rare. Yeah, it was very unusual. Very fortunate that way that we didn't we didn't grow up with somebody no, not at all. So somebody that tended to calm, maybe as well. Probably, yeah. Like I'm I remember once getting angry and it actually shocked me. Because you felt anger. Because I've never felt this before practically in my life, and and and it was oh it was over a silly thing. It was that I bought a pair of shoes brand new and I took them back to the shop because they didn't fit properly. Because when I tried them on property, they didn't fit. Oh, I think they might have been for my daughter. Yeah, I think they're for my daughter, and they didn't fit her properly. So I said, Can I exchange them? Not even money back, can I exchange them for a larger size? And the lady said, No. So then I then I literally felt my blood boil. I felt I felt like the rush of anger come up, and I said, No, I'm sorry, but this is this isn't gonna this isn't gonna happen. You're going to have to exchange them. There are you root European laws, I am within my rights. And I think she said, It's because you didn't, I didn't have the box. Now, in those days, I know now people know to keep the box, but in those days there was no stipulation, it was like 10 years ago, there was no stipulation that you had to keep the box. And I just wanted to exchange them for for another size, so she could even keep the box. It wasn't a big deal. In the end, she did give me them to me. But I was just thinking, that's practically one of the only times that I've actually felt really, really angry. But you can still remember it now. Yeah, yeah. Other times it's mailed anger. That reaction really feel my blood boil. And now I want to-if we analyze why did that happen? It's because it was a prediction error. You expected her to say, Oh, yes, especially because it's just a a number, a change in number. I just want a smaller or a larger size, whatever it was. So you expected her to say yes, and when she just said no, yeah, that like put your brain into like some kind of big, large error, fire, fire, you know, and the signal, and you you you felt anger because it was an injustice. Yes, it was an injustice. And a lot of the time, injustices make us feel angry, yeah. Because that, like what we were saying before, it's it's not just the injustice about the shoe, it gets generalized into injustice in society. Yes. You're not being respected, the lady wasn't respecting me. She's not respecting the human being. Lord, it goes up and up and up and up and it scales higher and higher. Yes, it's not just a simple thing. And that's what happens a lot of our times in our relationships when we are arguing over something or discussing something. More often than not, what we are discussing is not really what we're, you know, what behind it. The anger, the anger does not come from what you're discussing. There's a big bag of anger hanging around our backs. It's like a big backpack, and there's lots of anger in there. And so that when when an injustice occurs or something that you feel is an injustice, you can just suddenly burst out, you know, and you can feel really, really uh unheard, and you feel no, that's not you know, that's not fair. And yeah, I think that happens in relationships a lot, doesn't it? Because that's what I was saying about relationships. It's anger, but it is anger there. And if it's not dealt with, if we don't address it, like if we don't have a sit-down and say, I want to address these things that are getting me upset or angry. I mean you can carry it, you just carry it. And you think, oh never mind, it's not a big deal, especially if you're busy, you think, oh well, you know, haven't we got time to think about that? That's why that's why a lot of the times when you the couple goes away on a holiday, and you argue, yeah. Yeah, you do end up maybe having fights and you're thinking, Why am I fighting? I'm on a holiday. Why? And that's the reason why is because that's a time when you have literally enough time to process your feelings and you're starting to to listen. Yes, you're starting to listen to yourself more, and you think, hey, and also your expectations aren't being matched, perhaps, because you expect something and that's not happening. You expect to be wind and well you do. Well, yeah. Uh I mean, like, why are you looking at me alive? I know, because I'm thinking that's what you do expect to be. When you go on holiday, you expect to be like super romantic. Yes. Uh go to lovely places. I mean, at least we do. I think most people that we know do as well. You want it to be a good time. You want it to be, yes, you want it to be extra special. And you're coming away from your daily life, your daily habits, so you want that extra special. So anything that doesn't match. I remember like my husband was annoyed because the coffee wasn't hot one holiday, and I was more relaxed about it, which is unusual. But I thought, no. Let's not moan about the coffee. It really got on his nerves because it was cold. I mean, understandably as well. But yeah, but come on. He did ask to have it heated, didn't he? He did, but he wasn't getting what he wanted. He wasn't getting what he wanted, so he was getting pretty angry with the whole thing. He was, yeah, because he was obviously carrying a lot of. This is not that great this holiday, but that was at the time in his life when if you think about it, he probably had a lot of frustrations from work. He did, yes. He had a lot of built-in anger there about other things. So the coffee is just like uh oh, it's like it's like the newspaper guy when he had the 15-minute delay, you know, and he there's obviously other things going on unless he had a really important reunion or something. But if I think if you do have a really important thing, you would say, I'll get on the train one hour early. Yeah, that's what I would do just to make sure we do predict, but that's probably why we don't have that much anger because we do plan ahead a lot and predict a lot. Yes, yeah, and we do predict a lot in the um like that you know it sounds bad, but like bad things are gonna happen. Like we predict that the train might not come, yes, or that the plane might not be on time. I always say that that like to my husband, I always say, you never know, there might be a traffic jam, there might be a god forbid, a traffic accident. Yes. So let's leave like 30, 40 minutes extra. He said, Wait, are you crazy? That's far too much. I think that's where we're relaxed as well when we go. So I'd just rather sit there, like at the airport and have a coffee or whatever, and and not have to worry about not being there on time. Exactly. And I just enjoy that time. So I think that's a good point, because I think so. If you plan ahead and you can you can plan so if you can predict that you know that your expectations aren't always going to be matched. Yes. Life gets a lot easier, doesn't it? No, if you predict they're not going to be met, then when they do get met, you you know, if something does happen that's you you wow, there was no traffic. Yeah, that's amazing. That was great today. Look, we managed to get on here on time. There was no train delays. Oh wow, great, yeah. Well, it's on time. Yeah, or if you know there's gonna if you think there might be a delay, you say, Well, I'll go to that coffee shop or I'll take something to work on or something. So if you can predict more, I think that's one of the key ways of staying more grounded and preventing anger from getting the better of you. I really do believe, yes, that's true. Absolutely. So, like the golfer, if they predicted that they weren't going to be that great a golf that day, they probably wouldn't have throwing their golf clubs in the street. No, no, exactly. You have to be kind of a pessimist, a little bit of a pessimist in a planning way, in a planning way, planning things that might not go as you expect them to go, and then whatever comes, you're you're you're a happy person. Exactly. So thanks for listening. Uh, do come and join us on YouTube where you can see the video, and do come and say hi on Instagram and tell us when anger got the better of you and how you wished that it hadn't, and what you might do in the future to stop this happening again. Exactly. Lots of lovely smiles from the English sisters. Bye.