When Did Your Life Stop Feeling Like Yours?

Your mind is absorbing “flavors” all day long and some of them aren’t yours. We’re therapists, and we kick things off with a short therapeutic story about butter left uncovered in a fridge: it looks normal, but it quietly takes on the strongest odors around it. That’s exactly how influence, persuasion, and subtle manipulation can work on our thoughts, moods, and sense of self.

From there, we get real about anxiety and the modern attention economy. We talk about why constant bad news can leave you stuck in fear and adrenaline, especially when you can’t do anything to help. We also explore how influence spreads through everyday life, from friend groups and big decisions to fashion rules, “appropriate” behavior, and the pressure to fit in. Sometimes choosing to be influenced is fine, but only if you’re aware you’re choosing.

We also share practical ways to “cover your butter” without shutting down your life: noticing how certain people leave you feeling worse, using quiet moments to reset your nervous system, and giving yourself space in relationships so you don’t lose what you want. A story about holiday routines and resentment brings it home with one question: what would you choose if you truly listened to yourself?

If this resonates, subscribe, share the episode with a friend who needs calmer input, and leave us a review. What’s one influence you’re ready to turn down?

Transcript

Influence, Persuasion, And Choice

SPEAKER_00 0:00

power of influence and persuasion and how our minds can be easily manipulated by others and if possible it's best to manipulate them by ourselves and to choose. So stick around for this week's episode on Get Real with the English mind, health and anxiety relieve. We are therapists and we are here to help you. We're going to be reading you a short story from another one of our therapeutic books Intrancing Tales for Change. Which that's what they are they're tales for change. So here goes yes and it's called butter. Have you ever noticed what happens to butter if you leave it uncovered in the fridge. It appears normal on the outside however when you taste it no longer tastes the same. If left long enough it will absorb any strong odour coming from other foods close by. In very much the same way your mind will absorb just like butter many strong influences coming your way. You may enjoy butter with different flavours very much they may indeed add an extra touch. But then again you may also prefer to cover your butter and to keep it tasting like butter pure and simple just as it is the choice is yours.

unknown 1:26

Yeah.

Social Pressure And Losing Yourself

Silence As A Mind Reset

Couples Need Space To Choose

Holidays, Compromise, And Resentment

Share Your Thoughts And Subscribe

SPEAKER_00 1:27

The choice is yours if you're aware of it I might add. Often we don't have a choice do we? Because we're not aware of it. Yeah because we're unaware simply influenced and influenced and influenced and influenced on and on and I think as adults we can become more aware of it. Well yeah that's why I decided years and years ago and I think you did the same to not to watch the news. Yeah. Because it was just called it should be called bad news it should be called bad news indeed because it's basically all bad except news manipulation of your brain imagine if it was called that here we are and now good evening we are going to manipulate you in a way to influence you highly beware of this. Yeah they should have it should have a warning yes and and I think then and you wouldn't absorb all this news you are going to feel extremely anxious and ill but this is how we may want to keep you yeah because you're too convenient for us for you to be in this state of adrenaline and fear and for your mind to be filled with cordiles where you'll do what we want you to do. And it's not that frightening I think it's it's horrific it's horrific yeah and I think we became aware of that and you know probably many many many of you listening to this are aware of it but I think sometimes if you think of your mind like a lovely slab of butter you know you think if you want to absorb influences that's great because they can add choose like garlic butter is delicious to me. Yeah rosemary butter there's so many different flavours you can choose from that are going to be good for you and flavours that you really enjoy but do you really want to add some yucky flavour to your mind that's not going to be something you're going to be enjoying but you're just going to absorb it anyway. So it might be some flavour that you actually loathe. Well like now I've got some raw sausages in the fridge they're covered but they still smell they the fridge smells garlic and sausages and goodness that could be nice. Which is nice but do I want sausage flavoured butter for my breakfast with my toast and jam not necessarily I don't and I hate that. Yeah me too so I keep it covered. You keep it covered indeed that's why it comes with that also with that you know the cover the cover these special butter dish the butter dish and the aluminium I mean that you know the people that that make butter know this about butter. They do it's one of those foods that will absorb odors and flavours really quite quickly. So that's why you know you cover it and and the same way you know we're we're so similar to that in a way we're all so delicate we're delicate and mean you know can be manipulated. And we're manipulated so much every day. Yeah we're already and we can't the thing is that if you hear news that something's happened like what we keep going on and on about if you hear and you can actually do something about it like the village if you're in a little village and you hear that your neighbour's had an accident you can go and help them and you can take you know or someone's died and you can comfort the person and you can take you know food so they don't have to cook that's lovely. But when you have that sense of inertia that sense of not being able to help that's when it becomes an anxiety filled yeah because you can't do anything and it's all stacked up isn't it it's not just one piece of news so wide it's the whole world we get exactly it's everything and there's so many so in the end you just you don't realize it you just turn it off and you you don't realize how much has actually been absorbed into your body just like the butter it will be absorbed a lot one day another day another day so and it can become extremely toxic in the end okay and it can become that kind of butter that nobody would want to eat so you in the end can become that person that doesn't know it but might not be the person you want to be you're not your true self are you no you've been like you've been influenced you've absorbed you've been like I don't know I can't even find words for it. It's a horrific thing. It is a horrific because your whole creativity everything you would normally be if you didn't have all these external influences like when you go for a walk in the woods and you suddenly feel that you can breathe if you're not allergic obviously you feel like oh I have I have time to think and to have space to actually think but a lot of the times when we don't cover our minds and we we absorb all this negativity around us we just can't function properly. No we can't and a lot of the times we don't even know what we want anymore who we really are because what our desires are do I really want to get you know involved with that person? Do I really need to buy that house? Do I really want that? Are you just being influenced or am I just being influenced well it's well known that for instance if a one couple divorced that a lot of other couples there's a chain of divorces. There is indeed yes or if you choose if in your friends group one of you buys a house it's quite often that everyone else will start looking to buy a house too I remember when we first saw our first houses you bought yours and I bought mine then all the all our friends were buying houses. I know it was also the right time but some of us might have thought oh no if we hadn't been the right time by for me we might have thought it's not the right time for me. Exactly and it's the same in everything really it's the same like colours. When you were little you probably tended to like one colour more than another and then as you grow up you forget what your favourite colour really is and and you start adopting what fashion says oh so you know it's cool if I wear black and it's cool I mean this is funny now because I'm just thinking of my husband he he he will always want to go for colours you know strong colours red orange and I'm always trying to steer him away from them and saying no you know it's not fashionable just go for the black you know you look handsome go for the classic the blue and everything but whenever he gets a chance he'll wear his little colour you know and so that's probably something and when I actually asked him what was your favourite colour as a kid he says red. There's no doubt he's stuck with that he loves red you know vibration make him feel good yes it makes him feel very good when I ever say okay it doesn't make you feel good red or orange no because I'm I have been influenced so much by fashion that I want him to be appropriate for certain occasions. I don't want him to go in those strong colours but I think that do you think those strong colours suit him what strong colours suits yeah I don't quite like him in a red yes yes yeah I mean he's got red polo shirts and things that look quite nice on him but obviously he has to you know it's it's it's it depends on what the occasion is you know a lot of the time I am influenced by the occasion by what fashion dis dictates yeah so you I tend to forget what my true colour was as well you know I remember drawing always I think children they're attracted to brighter colours the primary colours the primary colours yellow orange red and then as you grow older you learn about fashion and what fashion industry wants you to be wearing and you choose you know all the different types of colours but but like when you go to a colour specialist they tell you what to wear don't they they tell you what colours suit you yeah so they're they're like the experts aren't they the colour experts yeah they they they'll tell you that like your skin tone matches these colours and that's what makes you look best they're like the experts yeah yeah they'll tell you about your skin they influence you of course they do because they will say to you well no but isn't that a good thing because they're like saying things that suit you that are going to make you look good. Yeah they they tell you what they think may make you look good on the outside but it doesn't make you feel good on the inside it's as I was saying about my husband red orange makes him feel good on the inside so we compromise and I say okay get that that's great you know you feel good in that I know he's gonna feel good in orange and red yeah and I I say okay you know unless it's something I really care about like you know the the the the the weddings or something you know something important that I really want to put my foot down I say no let's go for the classical you know darker colours for men but he doesn't want those colours and I know that's a shame really isn't it they won't make him feel good. But does he actually feel good when he looks in the mirror yeah he loves them he'll go for them it's just something natural he will just pick up you know if we're in a shop he'll always go for the brighter colours you know the bright green bright things and he's happy I can see him I take him we go to shopping and I and I see these are the colours he goes for and I compromise and I say great you know let's get that bright orange sweatshirt and then you know you can wear it for maybe for work or something you know and so I manipulate him and I know I do you influence him I do I influence him a lot and and because I do yeah I'm guilty of that and I think a lot of women are evil grin but I think it's important for us to know you know if that's that's a minor thing and he's aware of it. He's very much aware of it. He knows that you like the darker colours though doesn't he so he's happy to wear them for you. Yes he's happy to wear them he actually says what do you want me to wear then like yesterday we had the wedding rehearsal he just said what do you want me to wear you just tell me what you want me to wear. What you think I know what you think and I let him choose the shoes which are rather odd and everybody commented on them including my husband but that was a compromise you see he chose a bright coloured shoe and I said fine you know you go for the shoe because I'm not gonna be like I don't have to tell you everything. I knew it wasn't that important for for like yesterday so it was okay but so it was funny how even another man commented on it. Yeah that's what I mean he will go for it out of order yeah because he wants these strong bright colours that's who he is well he was right he didn't like he didn't know he covered his butter he did cover it and he kept his choice and I don't want to influence him in completely everything because I don't want to remove that joyful colour you know before he used to buy all these different colourful shoes do you remember how many would he have all different colours are quite cute I mean I wouldn't have anything against his shoes except that they were they were making him his feet hurt because they have a flat footed shoes yeah the flat footed shoes yeah but um but apart from that they used to look quite nice I mean yeah and that that was who he was and he can't express himself through those shoes anymore because they would hurt his legs and his back because they were just too flat you know the classical flat shoes. Yeah like the plimsaws yeah the little plimsaws yeah like like the canvas shoes yeah the canvas shoes anyway so that he was that's that's who he is and I think who I am now I I wouldn't really know colour wise. I mean I know I love turquise but I wouldn't necessarily wear it because I know that it's not maybe not in at the moment so we I'm having a bit of a dilemma with our bedroom because I don't I keep changing my mind on what colour to do it. Because you're influenced by what colour is in fashion at the moment. Yes and also uh yeah yeah I mean also for clothes as well like for for our daughter's wedding I'm thinking uh one minute I'm thinking of one colour then I'm thinking of another then I'm thinking is it suitable so uh what I would actually choose I'm not that sure no it's a difficult choice because you're influenced by seeing so many you know mothers of the brides what they wear that you're thinking what should I wear you know short or long or yeah I don't know what do I really want what do you what do I really want I'd have to look and just go inside and see what I really wanted but I'm not really sure. Because you're frightened of judgment probably yeah because of what's appropriate. What's appropriate indeed and what isn't and what isn't so I mean I think that's something that if we if we want to conform and we want to comply and we want to be fashionable that's fine because we're aware of it and we can allow our butter dish to be lifted off you know and absorb the influences of what's around us because we want to conform to society and to fashion and we want to be accepted as to say by the um what society dictates I mean it sounds very Bridgittany but I don't know how far the Bridgeton colours are in now they all belong in gowns I mean we are influenced we're always it's always the same really it hasn't really changed that much except you know I think we think we're far from it but we're not really we still are influenced we're just one step away I think yeah by the majority and gossip and everything else so I think if we're aware of it in in some cases that's fine that's okay but in other cases I think we have to be a little bit mindful of it like with certain news and certain information and like what you know we were saying before we podcasted even certain people are going are going to are going to they're going to think negatively those people that always make you feel worse when you leave them. Yes exactly is it time to you know kind of say we're covering a limit cover we're gonna cover I want to cover my you know my button just keep myself protected as to say you know yeah because we're yeah because there are those people that just offload everything onto you and then they feel fine and they feel happy when they leave and all smiley and you're feeling like what's happened you know tea I feel terrible now my flavour is gone you know I don't know who I am anymore what what am I you know and you're thinking what what the hell has happened to me you know you have been influenced and it's not you don't find yourself to be you know a calm happy person you feel different and you think oh dear yeah it's not me really it's not me who am I I think that's why a lot of people that are a bit introverted they need time to to realize who they are yeah to to cover their own butter and to think who am I really you know who am I am I how am I naturally naturally am I okay am I uh without looking at my phone without listening without putting the tele just just going about my day you know maybe putting some music on you know how would I really be even with music you're influenced you are influenced with music as well it can make you feel good it can make you feel bad sad happy yeah yeah yeah so maybe just well my mindful exercise would just be just be quiet just a bit and just go about quietly around and that can be a bit scary for some people especially nowadays I mean I remember once we were in the car it was as funny my husband and and I and then and and then our son came growing up now he's he's in his late twenties he sat in the back and he goes Mum and Dad this is really freaky what's going on I go what do you mean what's going on he goes you're striving in absolute silence both of you it's so unsettling and I go why I go we always do this not always but often often we're just calm and quiet and just looking at this driving along and just looking at the scenery and then every now and again we'll have a little chat and he said it's so weird mum and it made me realise how comfortable we were actually just being quiet both of us just quiet in our in our own together in quietness. Yes without having it's a bit like Bridget and when they just sit quietly the couple have you seen that one I can't there's a scene when they're just quietly happily sitting together and then they and then I can't remember and then they find that they fall in love like that because they're both of them are introverts they don't really want to talk about anything they just want to be I remember it now they just want to be together and that's what we were doing but he was finding it very upsetting I said okay we'll put some music on if you want yeah because obviously he was thinking what's going on you know I'm like he was in the back it's unusual he didn't have his ear pods on or something like that. No because he obviously thinks was thinking we're having a it's a family occasion yeah we're talking we'll be talking and we were just all quite well I put we probably thought he had his ear pods on that's why we weren't talking to him. Exactly because normally we would have probably talked to him or maybe occasionally but yeah it's it's unusual now for you just to go about your thoughts and I often do just go around the the house like with without sometimes I'll listen to podcasts but sometimes I just go quiet. Like when I do my morning routine of all my makeup I'm just I don't listen to anything I'm just quiet with my own mind. Yeah I'm I'm quiet in the in that as well like I was noticing today because I was at home I actually did you know got all the got prepared and everything in quietness. But then afterwards when I actually went downstairs for breakfast I put a podcast on and I was listening to that but you know sometimes it is nice to just be quiet and just think about nothing really wonder just look outside I saw these pink blossoms on the little tree you gave us they were lovely and I was just noticing them and then I decided to put the podcast on yeah but then I became influenced by what I was listening to yes that's what Hammers are aware of it. You can become aware and you're learning you're learning new stuff and just it and it's helpful but sometimes it's not so I think it's really up to you to decide whether to cover your butter or not. Absolutely the choice really is the choice is yours as your world as children obviously you don't have you don't have that choice you are influenced by your parents and then I've just thought about relationships as well when you're in a couple with somebody a lot of the times you get influenced by what they want and you don't even know you forget who you even are sometimes yeah you can forget you can forget who you are and what you want so it is important for couples as well to spend that time apart and just to be able to think who am I you know if I if I wasn't with this person. Yeah that's so very true. And then you can bring who you are into the couple blend it and you can have that new flavour that new taste which is both of you together. It's exciting and yeah and it's more exciting but it's going to be a different but if you find that you are being completely you know your flavour is gone and overwhelmed maybe it's time to Look at your relationship and maybe go to go to counselling or whatever, or just take a break, or just decide, or just become a little bit more assertive with your choices and to begin to think. Is that my choice? Do I really like uh whatever it is, or have I become so influenced by the other person? Sometimes it can be a form of laziness as well, because you're so you can be so tired and overwhelmed as well that you just don't even want to make decisions anymore. So if your partner's really decisive and says, Hey, let's go and do this, yes, you'll just go and do it because you you can't even be bothered, kind of thing, to think about mentally what you really want. Yes, but that he might or she might want to go off, or they might want to go off and do something that you are absolutely not into at the moment. And you might, if you if you get in touch with yourself, you might say, No, actually, I want to keep my butter covered, and I just actually want to stay in tonight. You go out. A good point, because I was talking to a work colleague, and he was saying that his wife every time they went on holiday, his wife had to go and see all the churches. And I said, Is she a very religious person? He said, Not really, but it's just like oh, the tourist thing. Yeah, it's like, no, you have to go and see all every single church, every single cathedral. And I uh and he was just like confessing, I actually don't like it. You know, it's okay to just see one, but I don't enjoy that. So I said, Well, how long has this been going on for? And he said, 27 years, and I thought, goodness me, 27 years you've been doing this every year on your holidays. Well, what do you want to do? And he has she said, I have no idea. That's curious, isn't it? I have no I go, what kind of holiday would you like? And he said, you know, he just shrugged his shoulders, he said, I don't know. And I said, Maybe you can take the time to think about it. You know, think about what you like. I mean, it sounds so funny, it's so ridiculous, but you know, you think, what do you like? You want to maybe wait outside the church and sit on a bench and think, what do you actually want to do next? And then compromise and go to three or four churches. And then the rest of the time go to your favourite, I don't know, park or restaurant. You like doing like I told him I go, I like going on the beach and I like going to coffee shops, and I just want to be like tourista per caso, like just browsing around. I don't want to follow all the rules. I know I won't like that. Tourista per caso, our English audience. Sorry? What does that mean in English? It's just like blah blah, you know, just floating around. If I happen to see something, I will see it and I will just but because obviously I'm a tourist, I'm in a new area. So if I see something lovely. You see it, you see it. If you don't, you don't. Well, it's not necessarily true because when I did go to Thailand, I did go to the the famous, you know, temple. Yeah, but that was years and years ago. Would you do that now? Probably go to one and then go and see some gardens, for example, like what I like. Yeah. Like when I went to Japan, I didn't want to go and see all the things. I I went to Kyoto because I know that's where they've got the beautiful gardens, and that's something I was really interested in, for example. But like in Italy, I enjoy going to the beaches and just eating the pizza. But I when I asked him, like I very much know what I want, especially on a holiday. I do know what I want. Well, you certainly know what you want. But when you have a partner that's very strong like us in knowing what they want, many of the times the other person may just be a follower and just say they just follow on, don't they? They tag on. But doesn't mean that sometimes they are happy because they're happy to make you happy. Happy. Yeah, when I said, Are you happy? He said, My god, it was a killer. He said, I'm actually more tired now than I was when I left. Well, yeah. And I prefer to be here at work. And I thought, oh dear. That's not a good sign. I mean, it's lovely that you enjoy your work, but at this because your work is most part of your life, but at the same time, you know, make sure that you do get some something you really enjoy doing when you're actually on your break. That but that does happen a lot when you're in a couple and you just settle for things because you know it makes your partner happy. But then sometimes, yes, it's good, but then resentment can build up. Yes, I notice signs of resentment in his voice. Yes. If you if you actually really are happy in your heart of hearts to do that because you know, and you kind of thrive off that happiness of seeing your partner so delighted, it's like when you give a lovely gift to someone and you're really happy because you want the person to really enjoy the gift, and the person receives it to the full, and you you miss the gift. When you're not really wanting to give the gift, you wonder at what happens. Well, anyway, I think he will be thinking about what he really likes now, uh and probably if I ask him again in a couple of days, he'll probably he'll probably come up with something that really is him. And I know that, I know, I know that that that's what happens when you are allowed some space and like what I suggested, perhaps a compromise. I'm sure your wife will compromise with you because she's an she's a lovely person. She's probably she probably just thinks she has to go and do that because it's on her gender sheet. No, she she's been influenced, she's very, very sticks to the map because she's been influenced, so if she hadn't known she had to go and see all those churches, she might not have gone to all of them. No one says when you're a tourist you go and visit churches, what you have to do, yes, yeah, yeah. Maybe because I I noticed, for instance, your husband, when we were on holiday together, he was very influenced by the sights he had to see, and he felt a great deal of pressure if he didn't go and see them all. Yeah, yeah. Whereas we couldn't. I'm not bothered, I'm not bothered with it. We were just like enjoying the beaches and the coffee and the fever and just the general atmosphere as well. I didn't really mind if I didn't go and see the famous maybe the opposite. I didn't want to go and see the famous sites because I knew that they were full of touristy people and I wanted to be enjoying the lookout. We went to Cyprus, yeah. He was really he said, Oh, let's go there because that's and I was saying, Yeah, what is that? The Aphrodite rock. I mean, it was beautiful, but I just wanted to sort of stumble into it, just go for that walk and find it, and not have to do it, just the surprise of seeing something, and we did see it by surprise in the end because we went for a lovely day. Well, that's how I remember when I first came to Rome. We just went for walks in the centre, and it was the most beautiful experience of my life. Me too. I didn't really because you just absorb the city in its own, and you would just stumble across like the Fontana di Trevi. Oh my god, or the Colosseum without even realizing you were in that case. Yeah, because it's small, so you just walk and you just browse and you have one coffee and then you walk around, and then you have lunch, and then all of a sudden you're there. Yeah, my husband. All of a sudden we came, I remember Fontana di Trevi. So one day he just said, Come, come and meet me at work. And I was just like, What? Yeah, you work like his office was one metre away from where the actual Fontana is. Yeah, Trevi family. Yeah, and he just came down and we went for a coffee, then we went for lunch, and I thought, God, you've got a long lunch break. He said, Oh, yeah, it's fine. You know, this is uh this is fine. I can, you know, I'm yeah, I'm flexible. I thought, wow, you know, this is lovely. Well, anyway. So, yes, being influenced and not being influenced, if you choose it, it's fine. But I think if you become a little bit aware of it, you know, it can be really good for you. So let us know what you think. And please do come and leave a message on our YouTube channel. Please subscribe to it. We're trying to grow it even further. And uh we are uh so happy to read your comments on Instagram too or TikTok or wherever you go. You'll find us. Yeah, so please do leave then because we really appreciate it. We really appreciate hearing from you and hearing about your experiences too. It's really nice. So lots of love and smiles from the English sisters. Bye.